Wednesday, April 24, 2013

U is for Unclean: or, life as a leper...

April A-Z Topic:  Unclean

The other morning I had a leprosy scare.

I'm not really a morning person so I'd stumbled to the bathroom with both eyes firmly closed, but once I got there and was standing in front of the mirror, that's when I noticed it.

A horrible red pattern had appeared on my chest.  Was I coming down with some rare form of small pox? Had I somehow contracted a case of flesh eating virus? After several seconds of intense examination and a quick visit to WebMD, I made my diagnosis.

I obviously had leprosy.

There was only one solution. I'd have to live the life of a recluse. Seeing no one, going nowhere, living on a diet of pizza and thai takeaway. My family would deliver care packages of Diet Coke and rental videos and leave them at the front gate for me to get once the'd gone. I'd be shunned by society. People would point at me in the streat shouting "UNCLEAN"!!!

When my friend arrived to pick me up for brunch I shouted out the window for her not to come any closer unless she wanted to share my fate. Of course she asked me what was wrong this time (okay, so maybe I have a reputation of overreacting) and I showed her my chest (the affected part, not the rude part, you pervs). She laughed and told me that unless material creases were contagious, she'd risk it.

I have a tendency to sleep with a pillow under my arm. Sometimes during the night the pillow will move until it's under my chest. Obviously what had happened is the pillow case had gotten crinkled and had left an impression on my chest.

 Still, it could have been leprosy.

79 comments:

  1. So that's what I'm waking up with. I thought I too was cursed with the leprosy. Glad I read this tonight ;)

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  2. Faking leprosy is a clever way to end up in Hawaii on Molokai. Isn't that where they kept lepers?

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    1. And still do!
      With no TV...
      A bunch of REALLY old Hawaiian lepers whose parents were there when the Causasians ruined everything...so, awkward for you...
      In an isolated valley you get into by burro.

      I'd rather have pillow wrinkles and save up for a trip next winter. :P

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    2. Probably not the way I envisioned my tropical holiday.

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  3. I love your blog! Always gives me a laugh. Xox

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  4. Oh, WebMD. How did we ever manage without it?

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    1. I'm guessing we didn't diagnose ourselves with leprosy for one thing.

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  5. You make me laugh! Oh, that age old problem: pillow creases looking like community-shunning diseases. Please do tell a few family members/friends that you are now a leper and see if you can get a week's worth of diet Coke. Look at it as an experiment :)

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    1. Ooh, that could have possibilities. A week off work, food and entertainment delivered to my door, sounds like a plan to me!

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  6. Ha!!! I frequent leprosy as well, and I'm not stranger to tumors, gout, malaria and now (since I am living in Oregon) barnacles.

    Welcome to the club. We're glad you're here.
    ;)

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    1. Barnacles! I don't think WebMD has ever diagnosed me with that!

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  7. HA!! Web MD always tells me I have cancer. I've never gotten a leprosy diagnoses before!!

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    1. It does definitely seem to favour cancer when you're searching.

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  8. Funny what the imagination can do! Avoid mirrors early in the morning!

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  9. no no don't listen to her, webmed is aways right!!! i have some cancer and leprosy too, and maybe a head tumour ...

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    1. Yeah ... it probably wouldn't break my heart if I had to be confined to my house with people bringing me stuff. As long as the internet access holds up, sign me up!

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  10. My daughter came in the room to find out why I was laughing so loud. Thanks.

    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes.com

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  11. Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm definitely a Drama Queen. I just want to know when my crown is going to arrive!

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  12. Hahaha! Funny stuff, as always. Except I'm now worried. You sound just like my 11 year old. Does this mean he won't grow out of it?

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    1. Sorry, it's not likely. In fact, if I'm anything to judge by, he'll probably get worse.

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  13. Web MD is the worst House (the TV doctor, not the domicile). Are you sure that bedbugs weren't just creating hiking trails on your sternum? (In case you needed something else to worry about.)

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    1. We don't have bedbugs here (to my knowledge), so I'm pretty sure it was just fabric creases.

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  14. ROFLMAO awww I think I get that on my face

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  15. OMG this is so funny. Well thankfully no Leprosy.

    Came by from Tales of the Reborn Crafter

    http://talesofthereborncrafter.blogspot.com/

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    1. I was very relieved ... or maybe disappointed, given I'd just lost the chance to stay home all day and have food and entertainment delivered to me.

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  16. I'm glad this cleared up for you before your face fell off. (I might not know exactly how leprosy works.) Stay away from armadillos and WebMD!

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  17. I can see that. Seems lke a perfectly reasonable mistake to me. Glad to read you cheated death once again. ;)

    S

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  18. I love that you have a menu picked out for any impending cases of quarantine. I probably need to give some thought to my emergency plan in the event I wake up with leprosy. (you are so right...it could of been.)

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    1. It's an essential, I think. You've got to plan for these eventualities.

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  19. Whew, so relieved it's not leprosy. Sooooo funy. WebMD will do that to you. My daughter is always diagnosing horrible diseases for herself!

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    1. Whoever invented WebMD was an evil, sadistic person!

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  20. Hahaha this is so funny! WebMD can do that to you indeed!

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  21. This is why we do not WebMD, my dear. It always tells me I have lupus.

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    1. It seems that the most common response is cancer, so I suppose I should be grateful for the leprosy diagnosis.

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  22. HAHAHA. Sleep scars are so ominous!

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    1. They are! You go to sleep without them, but when you wake up they're there! It's quite disturbing!

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  23. at my age, i would have thought shingles! glad you are okay :)

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    1. Oh, I've had shingles before, I'd have known what that was.

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  24. Never, ever check the Internet (says the person who always, always checks the Internet)...

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    Replies
    1. I always tell myself I won't, and then I always end up doing it anyway.

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  25. I don't know, crinkled pillow case skin impressions sounds pretty serious too. Better see a doctor.

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  26. This was actually a really funny post! I liked reading this very much.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  27. as long as our not prone to panic is all that really matters...

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  28. Reminds me of the opening chapter of the wonderful classic by Jerome K. Jerome (I love his name :), 'Three Men In A Boat'. If you feel at all inclined, I just found it as a free book on kindle and you can read the very funny passage of which you put me in mind here: http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/world/readfile?fk_files=1881315&pageno=

    Did not you feel just the smallest tinge of sadness when your friend's hapless pragmatism wrenched you from your imagined life of dial-in pizza and care packages?

    I recall an episode in which a mother had spent her morning sweeping, mopping and polishing the floors in her home and had just sat down to a welcome cup of tea. When the children came home their father sternly admonished them to not make a mark on the newly cleaned floors, or they would be sent to their room all alone for two hours. The mother then calmly leaned her cup over the floor, spilt her tea, got up and cleaned the mess, then headed to her room :)

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    1. I was disappointed to lose my obligatory home holiday with food and entertainment conveniently delivered.

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  29. Nice. But now if that pillow had been unclean, then, well, you know...

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    Replies
    1. True, it's like playing Russian roulette with manchester!

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  30. This is so awesome. From 3rd - 5th grade I was convinced I had undiagnosed scabies. It turned out that I have dry skin and lotion is good.

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  31. Yeah.. that self-diagnosis thing can be scary. Provoke panic attacks and such. :) Throughout my life, i've thought i've had.. rabies.. lead poisoning, ebola.. and various other awful, fatal maladies. All of which, because i'm still alive at almost 50 after all, turned out to be imaginary... Glad you're leprosy free!

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    1. I had one diagnose me with prostate cancer once. I think someone dropped the ball there though (no pun intended).

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  32. WebMD has diagnosed me with all sorts of diseases. My most favorite had to have been appendicitis. I was actually pregnant.

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    1. LOL! Wow, there's a pretty big difference between the two!

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  33. Oh, Kellie! How your posts make me laugh and laugh! Thank you so much for them. :)

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  34. Hell, have you ever gotten the "summer heat rash" on your chest, that's just as bad. You'll really think you've got something them!

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  35. Self diagnosis? When I visit the doctor he says, "So what's wrong?" and I reply, "I looked up my symptoms up on the Internet and I have..." I'm always right. What happened to those days when the doctor had to find out the problem all by himself?

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  36. Yep, I usually jump to the conclusion that I have leprosy as well.

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  37. Thanks for the dose of leprosy...I mean laughter! I needed it today!

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