U is for Unclean: or, life as a leper...

April A-Z Topic:  Unclean

The other morning I had a leprosy scare.

I'm not really a morning person so I'd stumbled to the bathroom with both eyes firmly closed, but once I got there and was standing in front of the mirror, that's when I noticed it.

A horrible red pattern had appeared on my chest.  Was I coming down with some rare form of small pox? Had I somehow contracted a case of flesh eating virus? After several seconds of intense examination and a quick visit to WebMD, I made my diagnosis.

I obviously had leprosy.

There was only one solution. I'd have to live the life of a recluse. Seeing no one, going nowhere, living on a diet of pizza and thai takeaway. My family would deliver care packages of Diet Coke and rental videos and leave them at the front gate for me to get once the'd gone. I'd be shunned by society. People would point at me in the streat shouting "UNCLEAN"!!!

When my friend arrived to pick me up for brunch I shouted out the window for her not to come any closer unless she wanted to share my fate. Of course she asked me what was wrong this time (okay, so maybe I have a reputation of overreacting) and I showed her my chest (the affected part, not the rude part, you pervs). She laughed and told me that unless material creases were contagious, she'd risk it.

I have a tendency to sleep with a pillow under my arm. Sometimes during the night the pillow will move until it's under my chest. Obviously what had happened is the pillow case had gotten crinkled and had left an impression on my chest.

 Still, it could have been leprosy.