Friday, June 28, 2013

And you don't even want to know what I was like watching Dead Man Walking...

As any of you who have ever met me will probably know, I'm staunchly anti-capital punishment.  I live in a country that doesn't execute people, and you couldn't pay me to live somewhere that does.

I've discussed it here before [link] so I won't go into the details, but it was because of this belief that I was interested to read about the release of a woman in Indiana who's been on Death Row for twenty eight years, ever since she was sixteen years old [link].

Now I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of the situation.  I don't know if she deserves to be on Death Row, or if her release is perfectly justified, I just know that the idea of anyone waiting for their government sponsored demise gives me the heebie jeebies.

And yes, before all the pro-capital punishment people start giving me their reasons why it's a good idea, I know.  Believe me, you could put me on the pro side of a Capital Punishment debate and I could argue for it with the best of them.

It's a guaranteed way to ensure that the person never hurts anyone again.  It's more cost effective than keeping someone in jail for the rest of their lives (although I have read arguments against that what with appeals), it's a form of societal self defense, which protects a society from self destructing by removing elements that may cause other society members to lose faith in it's ability to protect them.

I can argue them all, and quite convincingly even if I do say so myself.

But that doesn't stop my heart from trying to jump out of my chest or from making funny little mewling sounds in the back of my throat when I try to watch The Green Mile, so I think I'm going to stick with my anti stance.


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Thursday, June 27, 2013

When victim blaming takes on a new and incredibly disturbing dimension...

You all know how I feel about victim blaming, so it won't come as any surprise that I had opinions about Nigella Lawson's situation with her husband, and the comments made by a certain Melbourne radio DJ about it.

If you want to read about it, you can go to my article at [link] and weigh in on the topic!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You've got to love the weird ones, don't you...

As most of you know, I do love an eccentric.  The kookier the better, in my books!  But even I have to admit that the Seattle woman who declared herself a breatharian and decided to see if she could live on a diet of water and sunshine might have taken things a touch too far [link].

Naveena Shine wanted to try and prove that it was possible for someone to survive on sunlight alone.  But after 47 days, and after losing 20% of her body weight, she decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.

Hmm, I wonder what clued her in.  The dizziness?  The shaking?  The throwing up?  Those are all symptoms she suffered during her little "experiment".  Not surprising really, given that all she'd had in that time was water "with a splash of milk". 

Now I know I'm being pretty harsh, and normally I'm first on board for an out there new age theory, but I've always tempered that with a solid belief in science [link].  And science has pretty clearly proven that human beings can't photosynthesize.

But I think my favourite part of the article was where she said she didn't want to be responsible for encouraging people to do it if they didn't have their "belief systems lined up".  Wow ... that's incredibly patronising coming from someone who was essentially admitting that it wasn't possible.

Jeez, you know it's getting bad when you start to long for the days of the good old fruitarians.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The only way I'd believe it works is if they put crack in it...

Apparently there's a new dieting aide on the market kids, and it requires next to no effort from the user so you just know it's going to be popular!

Maybe not effective, but definitely popular.

So has anyone else read about this new dieting perfume [link]?  According to the sales pitch, you spray it on and it suppresses your appetite, boosts your metabolism and improves your mood.  That's an awful lot for one little bottle of smelly stuff, isn't it.

They claim that their combination of different herbs will help you to lose weight while you sniff.  Yeah, there's something else out there that you can sniff that'll help you lose weight, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend cocaine to get rid of those extra kilos either.

It seems like every time we turn around there's another snake oil merchant trying to convince us they've found the ideal solution to all our tubby woes.  Take this pill, sniff that perfume, eat that rhino placenta, and soon you'll be a perfect size 8 with perky breasts and a butt that won't quit.

I don't know, does anyone else miss the old days of weight loss scams?  Sure, swallowing tape worms or having a nice soothing cigarette might kill you, but at least they had some real measurable success!

But maybe I'm being a bit harsh.  I don't really know the science behind the new scent, maybe it's perfectly legitimate and people will be wasting away before our very eyes ... but I doubt it.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that if it seems to be too good to be true, you can bet your little cotton socks that it is.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I wonder if "honk honk" will become the new German army salute...

When it comes to boobs, I have to admit I've been blessed.  I was definitely hit by the mammary stick and have nothing to complain about in that area.  But if you feel as if you could use a little improvement, why not consider joining the German army?

Turns out the boys in the German Guard Battalion have start to grow some pretty nice breasts [link], or as I like to call them, hooters. It's sparked quite the controversy among the ranks, raising quite a few Benny Hill-esque eyebrows.

Of course this must be disturbing for them, to suddenly start sprouting jubblies for no good reason, I'd imagine their uniforms aren't really tailored to accommodate them.

According to a plasic surgeon, the repeated slapping of their guns against their chest is triggering a hormone which is giving them a really nice set of norks.  It's been diagnosed in 75% of soldiers, which is an astoundingly successful percentage in anyone's books for a non-invasive boob enhancement procedure.

Huh, and when you think of how much money is spent every year on boob jobs, when slapping someone repeatedly on the chest is so gosh darned effective at increasing the size of your fun bags ... I'm thinking the plastic surgeons have a bit of explaining to do.

So those of you who've been considering getting a tatas enlargement might like to give this option a try first.  See if you can find a friend who's willing to slap you around the breasticles repeatedly and report back to us if you go up a bra size.  Do it for science!

And yes, I did take this opportunity to see how many euphemisms for breasts I could put into one post.  Thank you for noticing!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I'm pretty sure that wasn't in the Animal Control workplace manual...

If you found a bunch of feral kitties in your back yard, what would you do?  Put food out for them?  Try to tame them?  Train them to be your evil minions of the night?  Perhaps call Animal Control if they were a bit aggressive or sick?

The last option was the one that an Ohio woman decided on when she found a whole family of feral cats living in her woodpile [link].  They were aggressive and covered in fleas, and she had a bunch of kids, so she what any sensible parent would do.  Called Animal Control and asked them to come take them away.

But when the Animal Control guy came, instead of capturing them and removing them, he decided to euthanize them right there on the property.

Um ... okay, I could see how that might be necessary.  If they were aggressive it might not be safe to remove them.  So he must have had some sort of humane way of doing it right?

Yeah ... no.  Turns out that "euthanize them on the property" meant take out a gun and shoot the mother cat and the five kittens right there.  In plain sight of the house.  While the woman's kids were watching.

Sometimes the stupidity and thoughtlessness of some people just blows me away.  Seriously?  Shooting kittens in front of a bunch of kids?  Are you trying to traumatise them so much they'll need years of therapy to get over it, Mr Animal Control Guy?

And as for the cats, I can accept that sometimes it's necessary to put them down.  I don't like it, but I can accept it.  But to do it in such a cruel and callous way is just completely unacceptable.

As such, I hereby award you my Douchebag of the Week award.  Congratulations, I don't know if it would have even been possible for you to be more of an asshole.

Edit:  It was pointed out to me by KP that I'd misinterpreted the article and this guy didn't work for the SPCA.  He actually worked for Animal Control.  I've since altered the post to correct this.  So  my apologies to the OSPCA, I can only blame it on the fact that I'm Australian and didn't understand the difference in departments.  

Monday, June 17, 2013

Turns out there is still at least one decent bloke out there, and he's in charge of the army...

I don't often say that I'm proud to be an Australian.  It's just not something that we do.  As a nation we really don't hold much sacred ... except for maybe Vegemite and The Diggers [link].  Seriously, never say anything bad to an Aussie about The Diggers, we're raised from infancy to hold their memories sacrosanct.

But lack of patriotism aside, I have to admit that when I saw the video that the Australian Chief of Army released in response to the Army sex scandal that's being investigated at the moment, I puffed up a bit with pride [link].

Dude, as a woman and an Australian citizen, I want to say thank you.  You could have kept silent, pleading ongoing legal proceedings were prohibiting you from making a statement, but you stood up and said exactly what needed to be said.  And you were totally bad ass while doing it!

You're awesome, and you make me proud to belong to a country where people will still choose to do what's right over what will cover their asses.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Hipster parenting methods kind of scare me...

Do you guys remember that episode of The Simpsons where, while Marge is away, Homer decides to let Maggie roam free in the backyard and let nature take its course?

Well, it looks like the Hipsters have decided to start doing it too ... in an entirely ironic way, of course [link].

Yep, it's true, there is a whole group of people who are trying a new form of toilet training for their youngsters, which pretty much consists of leaving the little dears diaperless and then rushing around after them, holding their naked butts over bowls whenever their face screws up.

Charming image, isn't it.

The theory seems to be that by using the "elimination communication" method ... yep, it's really called that ... the babies will become potty trained earlier and you save the environment by not using all those disposable diapers.  Well the diaper think is definitely true, although I'd question the early potty training bit.  Are kids only a few months old even able to control it?

I have to admit, I'm not sure how this could actually work for a normal person.  Do you let your baby poop on the footpath if you're taking them for an afternoon walk?  Do you ask to borrow a bowl if you're at another kid's birthday party?  And what about daycare?  Do you tell the carers just to let them go free range in the playground?

To be fair though, it's not like this is just some new fangled concept that they've come up with.  Our ancestors did it for thousands of years before diapers were invented, and there are still cultures in the world today where it's a common child rearing practice ... but any way you slice it you're still encouraging your kids to poop in public.

That can't be good.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

You've changed, man, you used to be cool...

I have a confession to make, guys.

I just can't keep living a lie, it's eating me up inside.  It's time for me to come clean and tell you all the horrendous secret I've been keeping for the past fifteen years.

Wow, this is hard ... courage, Kellie, you can do this!  Back in the late 90's ... I may have had a bit of a crush on Jamie Oliver.

I know, okay, I know it sounds bad.

Believe me, if I'd had any idea how that particular train wreck was going to go, I would have nipped it in the bud right from the start.  But how was I to know he would turn into an annoying, patronising nitwit with more than a wee bit of a messiah complex?

Back then he was so adorably bumbling and sincere!  He'd stumble his way through the episodes of "The Naked Chef" with someone behind the camera having to ask him questions and prompt him through because he was so obviously out of his depth.

I was in my early twenties, okay!  I was young and impressionable, I didn't see a future egomaniac who would turn his shows into little more than the horrendous reality style programs I hate so much.  I just saw a cute boy with a British accent who could cook.

I kind of miss him, actually.

So, do you guys have any confessions to make?  Crushes you'd rather not admit too?  Come on,  I was honest, you can be too.  You're in a safe space to share your deepest humiliations ... the internet.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Take two spankings and call me in the morning...

I'm a try anything twice kind of girl ... once to see if I like it, and again to double check ... so when I saw a news article headline the other day that declared the way to better mental health was to have kinky, forget the feather go for the whole chicken sex [link], I just had to read it.

My first thought was that it'd end up being yet another endorsement of the 50 Shades franchise, with lots of declarations of how the new "Mummy Porn" industry is turning miserable housewives into mavens of sexual experimentation, but it turns out they did a fair amount of research.  They surveyed about fifteen hundred people, two thirds of whom were involved in the BDSM scene to some extent, and found that those who liked to get funky in the bedroom were more inclined to be mentally healthy.

Oh boy, that's going to make for some interesting therapy sessions, isn't it.

Client:  I've been feeling depressed lately, Doctor. 
Psychologist:  Okay, well take two spankings and call me in the morning.

Not that this is a new concept.  I remember a few years back reading an article about how they were using "Whipping Therapy" on depression patients in Russia [link].  They found that after a good thrashing the patients were happier and more positive about life.

I know that when you whip someone it releases endorphins that make them feel good, kind of in the same way that exercise does, but you still have to wonder what on earth lead the Russian psychologist to think to himself, "Hmm, these guys are depressed, suicidal even ... I know, lets beat them and see is that makes them happier!"

I'm sure a lot of people are going to look at the research and think it's poppycock.  Just some fringe scientists trying to get their fifteen minutes by making some eyebrow raising statements, but I'm inclined to believe them.

After all, it was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.  Sounds legit to me.


I don't know if any of you noticed but I decided to put an advertising link up on my top bar a little while ago, and this week I got my first advertiser!  His name is The Six-Fingered Monkey and I've been a follower of his for a while now.  He's clever, funny, and takes awesome selfies (even if I still think he needed to show more skin).  

Go over and check him out at his Blog [link], his Bloglovin [link], his Twitter [link], or his Facebook [link].  Trust me, you'll thank me later.

Friday, June 7, 2013

So many Monopoly related deaths could have been avoided, if only we'd known...

So, it turns out my entire childhood is based on a lie.

All these years, and we've all been playing Monopoly wrong [link].  Can you believe it?  I never had a clue, but it turns out there's a rule that says if the person who lands on a spot doesn't want to buy it, the place should be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Hour upon hour, sitting around that god forsaken monopoly board, watching as my piece hopped right over Mayfair while every other player landed on it and refused to buy.  And now it turns out I could have had it if I wanted to!

I feel as if I've been betrayed, Hasbro.

How did none of us ever realise we were playing that god damned game wrong all these years?  Did no one bother to read the rules?  Okay, so it's not like I read them either, but surely someone at some point saw that rule and thought, "Hmm, maybe we should start playing this way.  If we do, we'll probably be finished in time for dinner instead of some time next Thursday".

What are we going to find out next?  That the left hand right foot part of Twister was meant to be a suggestion rather than law?  That correct spelling wasn't necessary in Scrabble?  That Hungry Hungry Hippo was meant to be about skill and dexterity rather than mashing that little lever as hard and as fast as we possibly could?

I just ... I feel like the carpet's been pulled out from under my feet.  A world where a game of Monopoly can be finished in an hour?

This is going to take some getting used to.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Is anyone else kind of hoping he got Judge Judy, or is it just me...

Okay, here's a little quiz for all you parents out there.

Your children were placed in foster care after it was found that they were being abused and neglected.  You want to visit them, but in order to do that you need the judge's permission.  Do you:  

A).  Sneak a visit in the hope that the judge is none the wiser. 
B).  Attempt to bribe the judge with flattery and a fruit basket. 
C).  Dress in drag as an elderly Scottish woman and get hired by your child's family as the new housekeeper, or; 
D).  Put on your best Nazi uniform, straighten your swastika patch, pencil on your Hitler moustache and front up to court to tell the judge that all you want is the chance to prove you can be a good father to little Adolf.

If you picked option D, then obviously you're the rather eccentric fellow from New Jersey who thought it'd be a good idea to front up to a visitation hearing wearing his Nazi themed best [link].

And by eccentric, of course I mean bat shit crazy.

Dude, why on earth are you idolising a guy who was, not to put too fine a point on it, evil?  The guy was insane, had both Mummy and Daddy issues, and seriously blamed an entire race of people because he wasn't rich to the point that he had millions of them killed!  None of these are things you should be trying to emulate.

And even if we put aside your ideological beliefs, surely you must have realised that turning up looking like an extra from A Springtime For Hitler wasn't going to win you any brownie points with that judge.  

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're not going to be allowed to see your kids any time soon. 


I'd like to thank Smashgirl over at Smash!Mosaics [link] for showing me this article.  She works at the library with me and her blog is awesomesauce, full of great posts about her travels and adventures.  And her mosaics aren't anything to sneeze at either [link].  

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Queen is probably wondering if it's going to be mandatory...

There's been a heck of a lot of talk lately about gay marriage ... or as I like to think of it, marriage. Lots of places have been making it legal [link] [link], some have been choosing to make it illegal [link], and every man and his dog has very strong feelings about the whole shebang, yours truly not excluded.

Personally, I've never understood the argument that two men or two women getting married will somehow affect other people's marriages.  That's like me saying my chocolate donut was ruined because a bloke I don't even know is having a raspberry filled one.  It's ridiculous and makes no sense whatsoever.

In my humble opinion, if your marriage is so easily influenced by two people you've never even met having feelings for each other and declaring that legally, you've got more problems than the issue of whether gay marriage should be allowed.

Just saying.

But no matter your opinion on this particular issue, I think we can all agree that the opinion of a certain British politician is a wee bit of a leap [link].  His main concerns?  That it could lead to a lesbian Queen, an heir to the throne conceived via IVF, and, even more mind bogglingly, family members marrying each other to avoid inheritance tax.

Okay, so I can see the twisted logic that brought him to the lesbian Queen issue.  It's ridiculous of course, as if anyone really cares if a potential imaginary future monarch is possibly gay.  But I can at least see what lead him there.

But he's worried that gay marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons to avoid inheritance taxes?  That's a pretty big leap in logic.

Sometimes you just have to laugh or you'd cry over the stupidity of some people.