Friday, August 31, 2012

All the awards for being awesome...

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who went over to the Aurukun IKC video and left a note.

You're all exceptional human beings who deserved to be showered with praise and compliments, and have epic poetry written about you ... probably in which you defeat a gorgon, tame a chupacabra, and have copious quantities of naughty nookie with the sexy Ancient Greek guy/gal of your choice.

I love each and every one of you more than anyone else in the world.

*leans in and whispers*

Shh, don't tell the others, but you're my favourite.

Library related request...

So ... how would you all like to do a random act of kindness and go down in library history as awesome human beings?

As some of you know, I'm sure, I work in the library industry.  I'm not a librarian (I have the glasses, but without the bun and the cardigan they wouldn't let me), but I am pretty passionate about what we do here.  We work incredibly hard to provide decent access to materials for everyone, each of us doing our humble bit to make this well oiled machine of library networks function.

One area that we all consider particularly important is Indigenous libraries.  They're a wonderful way of bringing our collections to the Indigenous communities, and the people who run them are just awesomesauce!  They work so hard to make their libraries as open and user friendly as possible.

So, back to the favour.  There's a competition going on at the moment where the Indigenous library that gets the most comments on their blog entry wins a bookshop voucher to help build their collection.  If you could, it'd be great if you could go over here and comment on Latoya's entry for the Aurukun IKC

Thank you all so much, you've no idea what a difference things like this can make to a small place like the Aurukun IKC.  It's an incredibly difficult job, running one of those places, so any little thing we can do to help is always appreciated.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Best web shows out there...

Over the years I've found myself watching television less and less.  That's not to say I've stopped watching TV shows, I just tend to buy the DVD box sets these days.  There's nothing quite like watching an entire season of your favourite show in one sitting.  I'm pretty sure that's why we have weekends.

But without the channel surfing I used to do, losing the odd half hour here and there to some stupid show I didn't really want to watch in the first place, I find myself with a lot more time available for other forms of entertainment.  My chosen form?  Vlogs and web series!

Youtube, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

There is so much good content to be found, if you know where to look for it.  With the channels I subscribe to on Youtube I literally have well over an hour's worth of viewing waiting for me each evening when I get home.  Sure, some of it's amateurish.  It can be badly acted, or the filming can be pretty crappy, but the thing that makes up for that is the fact that these are real people, putting out their creations as they wanted it to be seen.  No one else rewriting it, no one censoring what they're trying to tell us.

And for every less than perfect production there's one that is just amazing.  The quality of some of these is just mind blowing, especially when you take into consideration a lot of them are filming on their own, no assistance, with just a few video editing programs to help them.

Call me a crazy, but I think that it's important to support the people that feel the urge to create for creation sake.  So I'm going to provide you with a list of my favourite vlogs and web series!  Go watch a few ... or better yet, have a hunt around and find some that appeal to you.  We've got so many different forms of entertainment these days, it seems stupid just to limit ourselves to the boob tube.

1.  The Guild:  This web series is one of my favourites!  For anyone who is into gaming, or who knows someone into gaming, you'll be able to relate.  It's the story of a guild of gamers, each of them socially inept in their own way, and how their friendships grow through their game.  It's hilarious, and so well done!  They've done five seasons so far so there's plenty to watch.

2.  Ghost Watching:  If you're a fan of the macabre, you'll love this channel on Youtube.  This one has lots and lots of documentaries about haunted places.  Castles, churches, cemeteries, all the good stuff we phasmophiles love.  You've no idea the number of hours I've whiled away watching their clips.

3.  You Deserve A Drink:  If you like your social commentary with a splash of vodka, then this will definitely appeal to you.  Mamrie gives her opinions on pretty much anything she can come up with, while mixing appropriately themed cocktails.

4.  Crash Course:  If you're a nerd like me and you like to learn about things, this channel will be right up your alley.  Concise, ten to fifteen minute videos on different topics, anything from the the Agricultural Revolution to an explanation of the theory of evolution.  All the things you were supposed to learn in school, but presented in a concise, easy to follow way that makes you actually want to know about them!

5.  Husbands:  This one is hilarious!  It's a web series about an actor and his base baller boyfriend who get married in Vegas after a drunken night celebrating the legalisation of gay marriage in Nevada, and then decide to try and make a go of it.  They've just started their second season.

So, do any of you have any recommendations?  Don't be shy, share them with the class.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Some day my prince will come...

Disney's got a lot to answer for.

In my childhood I, like all other little girls, watched the Disney movies about the beautiful Princesses who lived happily ever after with their Prince Charming.  I was lead to believe that if I just waited quietly in my ivory tower, tried not to eat any poisoned apples, and made sure to leave a shoe behind whenever I left a school disco, then a rich and handsome member of the royal family would come riding in on a white horse and whisk me off to his palace.

Yeah, that ain't happened so far.

But when I really think about it, I'm not entirely sure what any of these old school Disney Princesses did to attract their Prince Charming in the first place!  Now, let's be completely clear here, I'm not talking about the new generation of Disney gals.  They have spunk, personality and character development, something that I think was missing from the older ladies.  I guess prerequisites for being a Princess have changed over the years.

I know a lot of people would disagree with me.  "They're classic!", they'd say, horrified by my blasphemy.

Sure, they're classic.  So is mysogyny, slavery and polio.  Doesn't make them desirable.

I think the  point I'm trying to make is that the old Disney Princesses taught us one lesson.  Look pretty and don't rock the boat too much, and a good looking rich guy will come along and take care of you. Cinderella might have snuck out to go to the party but after that she just waited around for the Prince to come find her, Snow White actually went and hid with a bunch of dwarfs, and Sleeping Beauty might as well have been a prop as a character in the story!

Personally, I prefer Mulan.  Now there's a Disney Princess to emulate.  She's outspoken, tactless, and violently dedicated to protecting her family.  Even when her life is at risk she still does what she believes is right, and when everyone is telling her that she's wrong and should just pipe down because she's just a girl she metaphorically flips them the bird and breaks into the Emperor's Palace.

Now THAT'S a lesson that we should be teaching our children.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Show and tell ... OF DEATH...

You know, back when I was in primary school the most interesting thing anyone brought in was a goldfish.  Perhaps a guinea pig.

But a poisonous spider?  No, that definitely never made the roster.  And certainly not courtesy of the teacher!

But apparently that's what happened in Georgia.  A teacher brought in a brown recluse spider to show the kids.  Well, that sounds like an excellent idea!  Bring a potentially deadly animal into a room full of primary schoolers, and then encourage them to get up close and personal with said deadly animal.  That can only end well.

Of course, it didn't end well.

According to this article one of the students was bitten.  Yeah, totally didn't see that happening.  A teacher was negligent enough to bring a poisonous spider to school and then was careless enough to let it bite one of the kiddies?  Oh unknowable universe!

And then, because apparently she didn't think she'd done enough to guarantee her Worst Teacher Ever award, when the kid told her that the spider had bitten her did she take the child to the hospital? Call her parents?  Tell ANYONE?

If your answer to those questions was no, then you get a cupie doll!

That's right, this education professional, and I use the term loosely, just ignored the girl.  It wasn't until later that afternoon when she collapsed on the way home that her parents even found out something was wrong.  According to the doctor she had a 50/50 chance of survival.

She lived, thankfully, but at the end of it all the teacher didn't get in trouble at all!  How on earth is it possible for something like that to happen and the school board not come down on that teacher like the hand of God?  But apparently she still has her job and there haven't been any repercussions.

I'm sure if she was actually answering questions there's be all sorts of extenuating circumstances.  But you know what?  I can't think of a single reason that would excuse bringing something like that into close contact with kids, and then being careless enough to let one of them get close enough to be bitten.  But there aren't any excuses because, unsurprisingly, both the teacher and the school are declining to comment.

Why on earth are they letting someone like that take care of children?  I wouldn't let her take care of my cat!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Voyeuristic thrift shopping...

I'm not much of a clothes shopper.  My shopping style tends to lean towards that of swat team ... plan your mission, get in and get out, try for as few fatalities as possible.  But there's one type of clothes shopping I'll always enjoy.  Vintage shopping.

Not just any vintage shopping though, oh no!  I'm not talking about trotting down to your local thrift store to see whether you can find a choice piece amongst the ratty eighties cardigans and the less than fresh looking leisure suits.  Lets be honest, no matter how much you might dream of finding a gem amongst the lumps of coal, it probably isn't going to happen.  It's much more sensible to stick to internet sites that specialise in that sort of thing.

Personally, I favour this website.  My theory is that if you're going to look at expensive frocks you can't afford, might as well go for the cream of the crop.

Their stuff is just gorgeous!  Expensive of course, but gorgeous.  Lets take a look at a few of them together, shall we?

Isn't this stunning?  A 1918 beaded lace dress with an absolutely beautiful sash.  It looks like the sort of thing Kate Winslet should have been wearing while she clung to the bow of the Titanic.  Now that's what I call vintage fashion, but at $1,400 I don't think I'll be buying it any time soon ...unfortunately.

Or for those that favour the mid 1800's, this plaid taffeta dress could be yours for the modest sum of $1,250.  Hmm, still a little out of my price range, but if I ever need to audition for a role in Seven Brides For Seven Brothers I'll know where to go.

Can you imagine going to a fancy dress wearing this?  Talk about the perfect Bonnie costume for a Bonnie & Clyde duo!  At almost $2,000 it's probably a little pricey, but doesn't it just make you want to do the Charleston?  Or shoot a tommy gun?  Or make some bathtub gin?

Yeah, sorry, my ideas of the 20's are pretty much taken straight from Bugsy Malone.

And lets not leave the kids out of this!  For $2,850 your little darling could own this early 1800's hand embroidered dress.  Of course after paying so much for it you'd never actually let the ankle biter wear it, they'd probably rip it or get mud on it or spit up on it.

Hmm, perhaps buying a dress for a kid that'll set you back somewhere in the four digits isn't the best idea ... unless you're Beyonce of course.

So, overlooking my sarcasm, I'm sure you can see why I like this site so much.  The clothes are just gorgeous and looking at them is a little like thinking you're going to win the lottery.  It's not likely to happen, but it's amazing while you're fantasizing about it.  But until that lottery ticket of mine starts living up to its reputation I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I can't afford any of them.

Still, it costs nothing to dream.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Slavery isn't good, mkay...

Today I learned something rather disturbing.  Apparently I have 25 slaves working for me.

It's weird, I know can be pretty careless with my budget from time to time but you'd think I'd remember buying that many human beings.  Maybe it was another late night eBay debacle?

But according to this site, that's how many slaves work for me, and who am I to argue.  After all, I answered their questionnaire, went through the whole rigmarole, and they gave me an honest answer.  I can hardly hold them responsible when I can't handle the truth.

It doesn't seems fair, though, that I apparently own all these slaves and I don't get any of the perks one would assume comes with illegal slave ownership.  Where's the scantily clad beautiful boys feeding me peeled grapes and fanning me with a palm leaf?  Where's the bevy of nubile young things catering to my every whim while wearing togas?

Sorry, all my ideas of slavery were stolen from old Mel Brooks films.

But seriously, I have to admit that the results disturbed me.  Apparently I'm below the average, which sits at 38, but even so 25 seems like an awful lot to me.

The survey was kind enough to tell me what parts of my lifestyle had the biggest impact on my ranking, and apparently those were my car, my gaming console, my body wash, my make up concealer, and my hair conditioner.  While most of these things are what I'd consider essentials (well, excluding the games console of course), it does bring up an interesting point.

Just because I need these things, doesn't mean I can't make an effort to make sure that the products I'm buying are as slavery-friendly as possible.  In some cases it's obviously more difficult, such as when  slavery is used to produce or mine the raw materials that are then used to produce the goods.  But that shouldn't excuse me from looking for alternatives.

Or at the very least, if the products I own are manufactured by slave labour surely I owe it to the people who made them to be aware of it.

So go check it out for yourself and see if your ranking comes back as better than mine.  Who knows, you might learn something along the way.  I know I did.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Magic and mystery are part of their history...

After our little discussion a few days ago about how scary kids shows are these days, I started thinking about all the shows I used to love when I was a wee sprat.  I've got to say, back in the 70's and 80's children's television had a definite flavour to it, but the thing that stuck with me the most over the years were the theme songs.  Shows from back then had the best theme songs!

Even today I occasionally will hear someone singing them, usually accompanied by an acoustic guitar in an attempt to be ironically nostalgic.  And because I love those songs so much I actually restrain myself from smacking them in the face.

I hate people who try to be ironically nostalgic via the medium of acoustic guitar.

So I've decided to compile a list of my favourite theme tunes from kids shows.  Lets see how many of them you recognise!

1.  Gummi Bears:  I think this was my first brush with lollies turned cartoon characters.  I couldn't even tell you what the show was about today, but I can still sing the whole theme tune.

2.  Fraggle Rock:  God, didn't we all love this show?  There was just something so amazing about the idea of teeny little people living under the house ... although the doozers always freaked me out a little bit.

3.  The Wombles:  These guys were definitely ahead of their time!  They were recycling before it became all "cool".  And who doesn't love Bernard Cribbin's voice.

4.  The Famous Five:  I'm not sure what it was about four kids and a dog that kept me coming back for more ... but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was the fact that George owned an island.  She was a kid and she owned a freaking island!  I was always so jealous of her for that.

5. Monkey Magic:  I personally think that this show is almost entirely responsible for how many Buddhists there are in my generation.

So, what are your favourite theme tunes from when you were kids?

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Crims of a feather...

I've often contemplated a life of crime, but to be honest I'm far too lazy.  What with coming up with a scam, planning it, getting together a group of plucky ex-cons to help you execute it, finding an alibi that will hold water, and running off to Argentina to take advantage of their lack of an extradition treaty, I just don't think I'm up to the challenge.  I know enough to admit when something's out of my league.

But this article about a couple of canary thieves had me wondering if I'd given up too soon.

Apparently two fellows decided that their best bet to become part of the criminal community was to steal 500 canaries from an 87 year old man.  Yep, you read right, canaries.  I'm not sure if that'd be the first thing I'd think of if I was planning a major haul like that, but I suppose they had to work with what they had.

My first thought when I read about it was that maybe it was a prank.  Maybe they stole them to release them, as a protest against the cruelty of keeping birds in cages.  Maybe they were on a treasure hunt and somewhere on the list was 500 canaries.  But no, apparently their motives were a lot less whimsical.  They were in it for the money.  It seems that at $30 a pop, that many canaries has a street value of $15,000.

And there's something I'd never thought I'd find myself writing about ... the street value of a canary.

You've got to give them credit though, they saw an opportunity and they took it.  And lets be honest, stealing 500 canaries had to be a logistical nightmare!  What with the noise and the fluttering and the bird faeces ... oh god, think of the bird faeces ... it can't have been an easy thing to do.  I'd almost be impressed, if I didn't remember that they stole them from some poor old Grandpa.

Those birds were probably his pride and joy, and those avianappers stole them without any remorse.  They were just winging it, and they didn't give a flock if they ruffled his feathers.

Okay, sorry, I'll stop with the puns.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

All the cool kids are watching it...

I've come to a conclusion.  Kids TV today is incredibly freaky and more than a little terrifying.

The other day I got called in for emergency babysitting duties.  My friends' babysitter had pulled out on them at the last moment and they had tickets to the circus, so they needed someone to come and stay with Hayden, their two year old, while they went to watch people spinning around on ropes and doing frankly painful looking contortion tricks.

Of course, being the good pseudo Auntie that I am, I quickly agreed and trotted myself over there.

Kids TV for the new generation?
My orders were simple.  Get him in his sleep suit, watch some TV with him, then put him to bed and wait around until the AWOL babysitter came to relieve me.  Sure, I could do that!  So after cramming him in his little sleeping bag pyjamas, we snuggled onto the couch and I turned the TV on.

Then I made my first mistake.  I asked a two year old what he wanted to watch.

I thought maybe he'd say Sesame Street, or wouldn't be able to make up his mind, but he was quite clear about his preferences.  He wanted to watch either In The Night Garden, a hideous kids show with scary looking puppets and absolutely no educational value whatsoever, or Bold and the Beautiful.

Yeah, that's right, he wanted to watch a soap opera!

And it's not like he was just pointing it out because it was on the screen, oh no!  He knew the names of the characters!  In his words, he wanted to watch "Widge and Book" ... which I'm assuming is two-year-oldese for "Ridge and Brooke".

But as much as I adore that kid, I wasn't watching B&B for anyone, so In The Night Garden it would have to be.
These would have terrified me
as a child!

Big mistake!

Have any of you ever watched that show?  It's terrifying!  The puppets are just creepy, and after watching an hour of it I can honestly say that they didn't actually DO anything!  There was a lot of repeating of the creepy puppets' names, lots of watching the creepy puppets dance around or bop up and down, and then at the end of each one they actually had the audacity to do an animated summary of the episode, essentially forcing us to watch a whole lot of nothing all over again!

I suppose it must have something though, Hayden loved it.  Even after the second episode he wanted to watch another one, but I don't think I could have stomached any more of that drivel so instead I whisked him off to bed.

Perhaps I should have let him watch B&B after all.  At least that has a storyline, albeit a trite one.  And not a freaky blue puppet in sight.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Kristen speaks out ... sort of ...

So some of you might remember a little while ago when I wrote an entry about the highly entertaining break up between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.  They're still splitsville as far as I can gather, so I'm holding out high hopes for some deliciously uncomfortable press interviews in the very near future!

Yeah, I'm not a nice person.  No need to point it out, I'm already well aware of the fact.

Generally I wouldn't waste time on doing two entries about something as mundane as a celebrity power couple split, but when I came across the video below the other day I just had to share.  In it "Kristen" explains why she cheated on Rob, and the reasons are many and varied.

The girl nails the Kristen impersonation and if, like me, you enjoy laughing at the expense of ridiculously rich movie stars, then you'll definitely want to check this one out!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Office shenanigans...

From the depths of Officelandia.

Me:  Achoo!! 
Cubiclemate 1:  Bless you. 
Me:  Thanks. 
*Cubiclemate 2 begins laughing into his hand* 
Me:  Really? 
*Cubiclemate 2 continues to laugh, stuffing his fist in his mouth* 
Me:  Seriously!  We're going to do this! 
Cubiclemate 1:  What's with him? 
Me:  Ignore him he's just being juvenile. 
Cubicle Farmer 2:  She sneezed!  *giggles* 
Cubiclemate 1:  Uhhh ... yeah.  And? 
Me:  You really don't want to know. 
*Cubiclemate 2 almost falls off his chair from laughing so hard* 
Cubiclemate 1:  What on earth is wrong with him?  Is he going into hysterics or something? 
Me:  No, he's just remembering something I told him once.  Something I'm seriously regretting having ever brought up. 
*Cubiclemate 2 bangs fist on his desk, gasping for air* 
Me:  Would you cut it out!  It' an urban legend!  A sneeze is NOT one seventh of an orgasm
*An awkward silence spreads around the office* 
Me:  *shrinking down into my chair, glaring at Cubiclemate 2*  I hate you! 
Cubiclemate 1:  Jeez, what's he going to be like the day you sneeze seven times in a row! 
*Cubiclemate 2 bursts into laughter again* 
Me:  Would you please stop encouraging him!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Miracles in my kitchen...

I think I need to call the Vatican, because I'm pretty sure I just witnessed a miracle in my kitchen.

Of course I can't be sure, I'm no expert in these things.  A couple of years of Catholic pre-school and the odd Easter service hardly qualifies me for this sort of decision.  But considering the unlikeliness of this happening, I'm going to go with divine intervention.

Yep, not just one but TWO double yolkers! 

It's an abundance of riches!  I'm actually embarrassed by the generosity of the chicken that laid them.  It almost seems a shame to eat them.

But maybe I should hold off before having it declared a miracle.  If I'm not careful, I could end up a Saint or something! I don't have any objections to it per se, but I'm not sure if I'd be a good choice for it.  I really don't have the cheek bones to carry off a stained glass portrait.

And I have to be honest, I think I'd get sick of the pilgrims after a while.  I'm sure I'd try to be hospitable, but there's only so many glasses of savings brand cola you can offer before you start to get a little testy about having your kitchen overrun by religious travellers.  What with all the genuflecting and the asking for blessings and the stealing kitchen implements to take home as religious souvenirs. 

As for the responsibility involved, I don't think I'm up to it.  Aren't Saints supposed to be models of moral decorum and religious peace?  Aren't they supposed to smile calmly and give vague, non-committal answers to questions?  I'm pretty sure I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face, and I don't think the Vatican wants a Saint that is continually saying "Oh, I'm a Pagan.  I don't believe in all that Bible stuff.  It's an interesting read, but it totally sucks as a primary historical source".

Perhaps it's best if we just keep this between us, hmm?  But I promise, if I find myself walking on water or raising the dead or anything like that, I'll make sure to let you all know. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Flexing my literary muscles...

I'm not sure if I've ever told you all why I started this blog.  No?  Well, I think like most of us, I'm using it as a writing exercise.  Flexing my literary muscles, so to speak. 

It's been a while since I've written anything longer than a short story or article (I gave up on the longer projects while was was finishing my Uni degree), so when I realised just how much I missed it, I decided it was time to get my ass in gear and get cracking.  I've always got a few story ideas floating around in my head, and I decided that maybe it was time to haul a few of them out, dust them off, and start in again.

Of course, that's easier said than done.  I could have dozens, even hundreds of ideas, but without the discipline and sheer bull headedness to keep plugging away at them, I'd never get anywhere.  And, to be completely honest, my determination was decidedly out of shape.

And that's where the blog came in.

I suppose I'm looking at this as a literary exercise regimen.  I'm hoping that by building my stamina back up telling you all silly stories, I'll be better prepared to tackle those projects I've had on the back burner.

I'm not going to go into details on any of them ... you're all too busy doing your own to want to read about mine ... but I just felt the need to put it out to the universe.  I guess I'm hoping that by saying it out loud (figuratively speaking), I'll be shamed into pushing through when I want to give up.

One thing I am looking forward to is a colaborative project I'm going to start with a friend.  We've decided we need something fun, something without pressure, to get our writing juices flowing.  And because I can thing of nothing more fun than erotica, we're going to write us some smut!

I'm sure it'll be just awful, full of the usual stereotypes and far too many uses of the expressions "Ghosting hands" and "Spit slick fingers", but I don't care.

I'm going to write me some ooh er, I say Vicar, naughty, rumpty pumpty shenanigans. 

Wish me luck!

Monday, August 6, 2012

My descent into arachnicide...

Guilt.  Today I'm feeling crushing, overwhelming guilt.  I'm a murderer ... and not one of those redeemable murderers who, sure, did something awful, but you can totally understand how it happened and they're only human so lets cut them some slack!  Oh no, I'm the murderer who killed someone who trusted them, someone who had lived with them for months.

Today I killed the huntsman spider that took up residence in my bathroom when the cold weather started to set in.

At first he was small, barely bigger across than a twenty cent piece.  He wasn't hurting anyone and seemed inclined to stay out of my way, so I named him Alan and let him stay.  But as time has passed he's grown.  I was willing to overlook his squatting tendencies as long as he was small and didn't look like he wanted to jump on my face or run up my leg.  But with him getting bigger, I knew it was time to do something.

So, with guilt settling in the pit of my stomach, I grabbed the Mortien tin and a roll of paper towel, and went to murder Alan.

He must have been so confused!  I'd never shown any signs of aggression towards him before.  He just hung out in the corner while I took a shower, explored the light bulb while I brushed my teeth, perched on top of the shower rail while I ... well, we don't need to go into all the finer details of what I do in the bathroom, do we?

Probably as far as he was concerned, we were happily cohabitating.  The feline flatmate wasn't giving him grief, I wasn't forcing him back into the cold, wintery outdoors, I'm sure he thought life was good!  That we were tight!

Then I come in with a tin of bug spray and a bad attitude, and the next thing he knows his life is being cut short by a psychotic woman who just seemed to snap out of the blue.

I'm sorry, Alan.  I didn't want to kill you, but I just couldn't take it any more.  The fear of you running up my leg while I was in the shower was just too great.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Sparkly vampire heartbreak...

For those of you who have spent the past week living with your fingers in your ears, not reading any newspapers, watching any TV or surfing any current affairs sites, then you might not be aware of the fact that we've had another one of those celebrity break ups that make me feel like an old woman.

This time, it's Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Yep, that's right, Edward and Bella are splitsville.  Apparently she cheated on him with her Snow White And The Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders.  Seriously?  That guy's like twice her age!  Maybe it's a Daddy kink thing?  I don't know, I've always been pretty strict in my age limits when it comes to dating.  My philosophy is if he's old enough to realistically be my father, then no deal.

Sorry Liam Neeson, I guess we were never meant to be ... and you've got such a cute accent too...

Apparently Kristen got caught in the act by the paparazzi and then poor Rob found out when the photos were published.  Sheesh, poor guy.  That's one sucky way to find out you're being cheated on.  And the, rather than apologise to him personally, she apologised in a statement to the press.  Umm ... maybe it's a famous person thing?  Maybe that's how celebrity couples communicate?

"My client would like to announce that she's going to be late home this evening as she is picking up a bottle of milk.  She hopes that her husband remembers to feed the dog."

But to be fair, she's only twenty two.  Hell, if I was held accountable for all the stupid shit I did when I was in my early twenties, let alone had it plastered all over the media, I'd probably have to go live in a cave somewhere to hide from the shame of it all.  No doubt it was a dick move on her part, but it does seem rather harsh that as punishment she's now going to have every teenage girl in the free world sending her death threads written on Hello Kitty stationary.

As heart breaking as this seems to be for a lot of the fans ... some of the reaction videos are frankly terrifying ... I personally see this as a good thing.  I can't wait for the release of the final Breaking Dawn film.  The press interviews are going to be exquisitely awkward for everyone involved!  It's going to be awesome!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Fifty Shades: a musical tribute...

Like everyone else in the English speaking world, I've heard a lot about "Fifty Shades of Grey".  I can't give an opinion on it as I haven't had the chance to read it yet.  I'm saving it for my next holidays, a time when it's considered totally acceptable to read badly written smut of the non-fanfiction variety.  Although, given its origins, some would argue that Fifty Shades pretty much IS fanfic.

But even though I haven't read it, I could still appreciate this little musical tribute to the biggest thing to happen to cult literature since the Twilight series.  There's something in it for everyone!

No, don't thank me.  I'm happy to serve by seeking out these delightful time wasters.  I troll Youtube so you don't have to, kids!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Vegemite Experiment: findings from Sporkgasm...

Okay kids, we've finally reached the end of our little experiement!  After receiving mixed results from NellieVaughn, and an unequivocal no from Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!, the utterly adorable Sporkgasm has provided us with her findings.

Sporkgasm chose to record her findings via video, so that means we're lucky enough to get to watch as she experiences her first ever taste of the Black Peril!  Poor thing, she looked quite daunted as she spread the Vegemite on her carefully prepared piece of toast, but like the trooper that she is she forged ahead and took a generous bite.

 Her conclusion?  It tasted like salt.  With extra salt.  And not in a good way. 

Yeah, that's probably true enough.  I'm fairly sure that about 75% of all heart disease in Australia is caused by Vegemite, it's that heavy on the sodium.  I think it's one of those "if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger" things.

Sporkgasm plans to use the rest of her tube to make a dessert she saw on one of those cooking reality shows, so I wish her the best of luck!  I'm not sure how Vegemite fits into a sweet dish, but I'll be waiting eagerly to see if they're more palatable to American taste buds.

I think what I've gotten from this whole process is that I'm glad I was born and raised in Australia.  The thought of not liking Vegemite!  Of not having it for breakfast every day!  Horrifying!

There's no vintage Vegemite commercial today, I'm afraid!  Instead, I have a response that was crafted by Youtube's Communitychannel to an American vlogger who had besmirched Australia's good name due to our love of Vegemite, boomerangs and, strangely enough, apparent lack of a national anthem.  I think Communitychannel's reply said everything that all us Australians would have if given the chance.  Not to mention, she's freaking hilarious!

So it looks like a consensus has been reached.  I'm going to have to say, based on the results of our three intrepid guinea pigs, that it is highly unlikely someone not raised eating Vegemite will enjoy it if they're given some to try. I think most of us were expecting those results, but it's nice to have the data to back it up.  Makes it all legit.

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank our three brave scientists!  Your sacrifices for our amusement were greatly appreciated!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Did we learn nothing from Isaac Asimov...

I think we all had a toy in our childhood that we wanted desperately, but never got.  For me it was a toy robot called Maxx Steele which, if the commercials were to be believed, could bring you drinks, clean up your room, and talk to you.  Of course now I realise that it was just a glorified remote control car with a few key phrases saved on a tape deck, but what can I say!  It was the 80's, and I was only 8 years old!

I remember asking my mother if I could have it, and then I remember the laughter and the incredulous looks.  Apparently she didn't think that $350 was a good deal for a child's toy.  I suppose in hind sight I can see where she was coming from.  With the rate of inflation, that was about $800 back then!

So I gave up my dreams of owning a robot that would put my toys away for me, and over time completely forgot about Maxx Steele.  That is, at least, until I was reading the news this morning.

Apparently someone in Japan was also denied the pleasure of owning a robot when they were little, because now they've gone and built one.  And holy shit, but that's a terrifying looking machine!

It weighs 4 tonne, cost more than 1.3 million dollars, and ... this is the most terrifying part ... has a freaking gatling gun attached that will shoot six thousand bullets a minute if the controller smiles.  Seriously, if he smiles!  Tell him a joke, and he could cause that behemoth to spray bullets everywhere.  For gods sake, don't even think of a Knock Knock!

I'm not even sure WHY they'd want to tie the robot's actions to the controller's facial expressions.  What else?  It goes forward if he frowns?  Does the robot dance if he makes a surprised face?  Maybe they should make it so it does things only for the really weird facial expressions.  It shoots only if the controller makes a fish face, perhaps?  It's sure as hell got to be a better idea than the whole giggles equals gun activation thing they've got going on.

So parents, next time your little darling asks for some ridiculously expensive gadget, heed my warning!  THIS is what happens when you stop a bunch of kids from owning futuristic robots when they're little!  They grow up and build them themselves.