Thursday, January 30, 2014

Facebook is about to get a lot more X-rated, I'd wager...

As a species, we're kind of obsessed with sex.  Nothing inspires, motivates and thrills us more than coming up with new and sometimes bizarre ways to do the horizontal cha-cha.

And honestly, I don't have a problem with that.  I love seeing just how creative people can get in the pursuit of the perfect O.  How else would we have ended up with such gems as the X Rated Ring Toss, the I Rub My Ducky Massager, and the oh so irreverent Jesus Butt Plug (links are NSFW, by the way).

But I have to admit I'm I'm not sure if I'm completely onboard when it comes to the new app they're creating for the Google Glass [link], It's a handy dandy little program that sends a video stream from your glasses to your partner's, giving them the unique experience of being able to watch themselves have sex.

Now I like a new sex fad as much as the next person, but does anyone else think this is a bad idea?  Just think about it.  Think about all the weird faces you pull in normal every day photos, ones taken in public.  Do you REALLY want to see the faces you make when you're mid coitus?

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, my friends.

But the thing that would worry me the most, I think, is the fact that you're streaming video from your glasses to theirs, and vice versa.  What happens if you press the wrong button and accidentally upload your video stream to Youtube?  Because I'm pretty sure it would violate their user policy, not to mention being incredibly difficult to explain to Grandma.  

Or even worse, what if you accidentally started a livestream!  Performance anxiety is bad enough without having Bronyboy1986 commenting on your style, position and flexibility in the chat box.

The internet is already such an easy place to fuck up in.  No matter how many times I hear of people accidentally trying to "google search" for something embarrassing in the Facebook status update box, it never fails to amuse me.  How long do you think it'll take before people start accidentally posting their rumpty pumpty video recordings to their walls?

On second thought, this is going to be hilarious!  I can't wait!

Monday, January 27, 2014

I'd never be accepted into a bikie gang ... maybe a moped one...

I've always been a big believer in equality.  The idea that no matter your age, race, gender, sexual orientation, or steak cooking preferences (I like mine blue), you deserve to be treated the same.  I know it doesn't always happen, that change comes slowly sometimes, but I guess I just took it for granted that we were moving forward, not backward.

But I have to admit, the new laws that they've put in place here in Queensland about bikie gangs have me feeling very uncomfortable.

For those of you who aren't familiar with what I'm talking about, some pretty harsh laws have been put into place in Queensland that are extremely biased against anyone who is suspected of being part of a motorcycle gang [Link].  From what I understand, bikies can be punished much more harshly for crimes, and now it's even illegal for three or more members of a motorcycle gang to be together in public even if they're not doing anything wrong.

As you can imagine, that makes it a little difficult for bikers to protest given that any gathering will be seen as illegal and they could all be arrested.  

I haven't really paid as much attention to it as I probably should have, I'm not a bikie and I don't know any, but I read an article today about how they've arrested the first woman on bikie related charges, a librarian [Link].  Well I may not be a bikie, but being a library employee that was bound to get my attention.

If someone breaks the law, I totally agree that they should be held accountable for it.  But to say that certain people are going to be treated differently to everybody else ... I don't know what to do with that.  I get that some bikie gangs have been connected to criminal activity, but can you use that to justify turning them into second class citizens who don't have the same rights as everybody else?

I suppose when you get down to it it's not about the ridiculously disproportionate laws, it's about the message behind the restrictions.  The message that says some people don't deserve the same rights as everybody else.  If this was done to a particular race or culture all hell would break loose.  What makes these people any less deserving of protection of their rights just because we're talking about a club rather than a culture?

There has been quite a lot of discussion about it around here, and no matter what they might think of organised crime or bikie gangs in general, most people seem to agree that taking away their equality is a pretty dangerous road for us to be heading down.  They're bound to fight back, and I can't say that I blame them.

Honestly, I can understand why the bikies are still wearing their colours, despite the risks.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Caffeine and phenylalanine ... a match made in heaven...

I'm not a coffee drinker.

I think I've probably had maybe three sips of coffee in my entire life, and two of those were definitely by accident.  A friend of mine says she's never seen me look as offended as I did the day she mistakenly gave me her coffee instead of my hot chocolate and I got a big old mouthful of it before I realised.

But just because I can't stand coffee doesn't mean I don't love me some caffeine, and I like to get my daily dose in the way the good lord intended.

Via copious quantities of Diet Coke.

Actually, I don't drink that much, nowhere near as much as coffee drinkers seem to slam down on a daily basis.  I usually have two cokes a day, which doesn't even have the same caffeine content of one cup of coffee, but I still get disapproving looks.

Why on earth do people get so upset with cola drinkers?  I've seen some people regularly throw down five plus cups of coffee a day and no one says boo to them.  And if a standard cup of joe has about 95mg of caffeine in it, they're consuming 475mg a day in comparison to my 80mg (average of 40 per coke).  Surely logic would suggest I'm getting the better deal here.

Of course, there's the old "But it causes cancer" argument.  It's a hard one to defend against, mainly because it's always been a completely unsubstantiated rumour.  How are you supposed to defend against something that everyone completely believes, but no one can prove?

At least no one's proved it up until now.

According to this article [Link] scientists have found that the colouring used in cola drinks might be carcinogenic.  The risk varies depending on which drink you're looking at.  Coke was almost risk free, but Pepsi had a higher risk level.

Excellent!  I'm glad to see science is doing its part to keep the Coke/Pepsi feud going strong.

No doubt all the cola nay-sayers out there will believe that this proves everything they've said all along, that cola beverages are deadly.  But according to the article Coke tested with a negligible level of the ingredient in question.  So doesn't that mean that, theoretically speaking, Coke is safe?

Personally, I'm not too worried and have absolutely no plans to quit any time soon.  The soft drink companies love us and just want us to be happy, right?  After all, they made sure to include phenylalanine, which is a synthetic endorphin, as one of their ingredients.

And any company that puts uppers in their drinks is okay by me.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tales from the bachelorette party...

... From the table at the bar.
Sue: (waving the newly unwrapped riding crop around) Really guys, you shouldn't have... 
Jane: It was nothing. 
Me: We wanted to get you something practical. Something you could use. 
Mary: You mean she has a horse? 
Jane and Me: (together, grinning) No. 
Mary: (eyes widening) Ohhhhh.... 
Sue: No, I really mean it. You shouldn't have! I'm going to have to carry this thing around with me all night! In the city! People are going to point and stare! 
Me: Well, that was kind of the point. This IS your batchelorette party, a little ritualistic humiliation is to be expected. 
Jane: Just be thankful you're not a guy, otherwise you might be naked and handcuffed to a streetlight by now. 
Mary:  ... remind me not to invite you lot to my batchelorette party. 
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why my friends and I shouldn't be allowed to pick out presents for bachelorette parties.

Actually, we shouldn't be allowed to pick out presents for any occasion.  One friend never really forgave us for buying her a large, lifelike looking dildo as a going away gift.  But she was moving to the country!  And she was single!  And I knew FOR A FACT that she didn't have one already!

Really, we were just acting in her best interests.  Any amusement we felt at her embarrassment as she opened it at her going away party was purely circumstantial.

Monday, January 20, 2014

And here I thought the only thing I had to fear from eggs was cholesterol...

I guess we all know that young Master Bieber has had a few problems lately.  What with his spitting on fans and peeing in mop buckets and graffiting hotel walls, he seems to be trying for the title of "Douche of the Year".

And to add to this ridiculously long list of stupid antics, now he's been accused of egging his neighbours house [link].

Okay, so that sounds like a pretty juvenile thing to do, but hardly something that they'd arrest him over, right?  At least, it wouldn't normally be, except for the fact that if he did do the egging, he caused OVER $20,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE!!!

Holy crap, just how many eggs are we talking here?  Or were they all hard boiled and he smashed all their windows with them, because that's the only way I can even imagine that eggs could cause that sort of damage.  But that seems to be what has happened, and if they manage to prove he did it then that's a felony, and as he's only in the country on a working visa, he could get turfed right back to Canada.

Understandably, Canada are less than impressed by the idea.

So it looks like Justin Bieber could be deported back to Canada if they manage to prove that he egged his neighbours house.  Jeez Canada, did you forget to say "No Backsies" when you sent him down to the US?  That's a rookie mistake I'm guessing you guys won't be making again, hmm?

As an Aussie, I can sympathise with Canada on this one.  We're notorious for claiming people when they make us look good, but dropping them like a hot potato when they start to give us a bad name.  We happily claimed Russell Crowe while he was making good movies, but as soon as he stared to act like a bit of an asshole we all suddenly remembered that he was actually born in New Zealand.  And when Mel Gibson went through his infamous "Sugar Tits" anti-semitic phase, we were all "Mel Gibson who?".

But in all seriousness, it's incredibly unlikely they're going to deport the guy.  No matter what you think of his behavior, he's still a rather rich fellow.  No country is going to willingly throw out a rich guy with all his oh so appealing tax paying potential unless he does something a hell of a lot worse than egging someone's house.

Maybe if they manage to pin the cocaine possession charge on him [link] it might happen ... but even then I'd doubt it.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

A roomba with a view...

I've never been what you'd call a dedicated housekeeper.

Considering what a strict cleaner my mother is (if you put a glass down for five seconds, she'll have it washed up and back in the cupboard before you look around for it again), I'm a bit of an anomaly.  I don't keep things as clean and tidy as I was taught to.  Occasionally the dishes overflow in the sink, the dust bunnies roam free beneath the beds and the windows remain besmirched by fingerprints.

So you can just imagine my cries of joy when one of my Christmas presents this year was a robotic vacuum cleaner.

Have you seen these things?  They're called Roombas, and they look like a cross between a smoke detector and R2D2.  They whiz around randomly, turning whenever they reach an obstacle and sucking up everything in their path.

In theory you could keep them running indefinitely (with short recharging breaks) and your floors would never be dirty again!

And I have to say, I love the little bugger.  I just switch him on, set him loose, then sit back like the lazy, lazy creature that I am and watch as he zooms about picking up dust, cat hair, and abandoned breakfast cereal.  I've named him Roger and so far we're getting along famously.

But as wonderful as this little gadget is, do you know what would be even more of a hit?  A Bathroomba!  If they could come up with some little gizmo that ran around your bathroom removing soap scum, whitening grout and unclogging drains ... I think I'd pay just about any price for one of those.  Seriously ... any price.

I know there are heaps of products out there that advertise a hassle free bathroom cleaning experience, but I've yet to come across one that actually provided what they advertised.  Scrubbing free my ass!

Yep, a Bathroomba would definitely be a hit, and how far away could it really be if we already have a fully automatic, self regulated, infra-red guided vacuum cleaner at our disposal?

Does anyone out there feel like inventing it?  I'd totally be willing to be your first customer!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

She doesn't look too bad for a thirty mumble year old dog though, don't you agree...

I think we all have that one toy, don't we?  The favoured toy that, no matter how old we get, we just can't seem to get rid of?  It survives the annual toy donations to charity when we're children, gets spared in the moving-out-of-home culling, and the next thing you know you're a thirty mumble year old woman with a stuffed dog that lives under her coffee table and guards the remote controls.

Or is it just me?

That toy, for me, is my yellow stuffed dog called Kimmy.  I have this vague recollection of naming her that after a little girl who lived across the street, because she had yellow hair, and the dog was yellow ... well it made sense to me at the time.

God, but I loved that dog.  Still do, if I'm being completely honest.  I slept with her every night for years, and even now if I'm feeling sad hugging her will always make me feel better.  She's that little link to my childhood, and I love her to bits.

So I was understandably shocked when, while wandering around on eBay, I stumbled across someone who is selling "Vintage Dakin Drooper Dogs".  

Aren't they cute?

Huh, so that's what they were called, I never new that!

And they're selling quite a lot of them too.  eBay has 46 of them listed!  Where on earth did they manage to get so many stuffed dogs made in the 70's in pristine condition?  Was someone hoarding them somewhere and they thought now would be the perfect time to try and offload them on eBay for thirty bucks a piece?  

Is there a huge market for thirty year old stuffed toys made of highly flammable materials?

It was a bit of a shock to see the picture though.  It's been well over thirty years since my Kimmy looked anything like that.  Over time her fur has gotten quite pilled, and she's lost her eyebrows and nose.  Not to mention the stitches on her lower back where, at the age of eight, I had to do some emergency surgery and red cotton was all I could find in Mum's sewing box.

I still think you're beautiful, Kimmy
The funny thing is, until I saw the picture on eBay, it never even occurred to me that she was looking old and worn.  I didn't notice the stretched out ears, the grubby fur, or the white cloth starting to show at the seams.  To me, she was just the same as when I was a toddler.

I guess it's true what they say, love is blind.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Just call me Ms Moneybags...

So there I was, minding my own business, and suddenly it's 2014.  How the hell did that happen!  I've only just got the hang of writing "XX/XX/2013" on all my paperwork, and now I have to go and get used to a new year.

The bloody nerve!

So I suppose you're all just on the edges of your seats to find out what my New Year's resolution is.  After all, I was so adamant about not having one last year [link], could I have possibly changed my mind and decided to come up with something this year?  Well, as fate would have it, I actually have.

This year my resolution is to get a grip on my finance.  To start investing in something other than World War II photographic memorabilia and Doctor Who trading cards.  

My resolution is to become a day trader, trading shares on the exchange!

Okay, so maybe that's overstating it a teensy bit.  The reality is that while my brother was visiting over Christmas he forced me, using his evil brotherly wiles and a liberal dose of blackmail, to open a trading account and throw a couple thousand into it.

So I guess it's less of a New Years Resolution and more like sibling peer pressure.

Still, I've had fun with it so far.  I made out like a bandit the first two days, increasing my money by 50%.  In hindsight, it probably wasn't the most realistic introduction to day trading, but I wasn't complaining.

Of course reality was only to happy to kick me in the butt the next day.

Since then I've made a few (okay, a lot) of mistakes, and my "profit" has gone down a bit.  Turns out the general rule is buy low, sell high, not the other way around.  Who knew!  But I've still come out well and truly ahead so I'm going to call it a success!

Look at me, being all financy!  I'm sure I'll be a millionaire in no time ... that's how it works, right?