Wednesday, April 17, 2013

O is for Obituaries: just like job applications, everyone exaggerates on them...

April A-Z Topic:  Obituaries

I'm not dead at the moment, and I don't plan on dying time in the near future, but I though it's best to be prepared. 

After all, who else would I trust to write my obituary but me! When the time comes, I'm hoping the following will suffice.

The world was rocked today by news of the death of Ms Kellie Maliborski at the age of 102.   
First brought into the public eye by the phenomenal success of her string of bestseller sci-fi erotic mystery novels, Ms Maliborski went on to carve a place for herself in the zeitgeist with her charming series of "Things My Cat Threw Up" sculptures and her self help seminars entitled "Love Yourself: because it's damned sure no one else ever will". 
Ms Maliborski is survived by a husband, seventeen children, thirty eight grandchildren, ninety three great grandchildren, three toy boys, half the Tarragindi water polo team and a howler monkey named Chuckie.   
This publication's sympathies go out to the bereaved.

101 comments:

  1. I do hope Chuckie handles the news okay. :)

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  2. ROFLMAO you do know that now that's on the net someone will have to copy this and send it in with minor edits when you do kick off.

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    1. I probably should have thought this through a bit better, huh?

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  3. That has to be the best obituary I've ever read! That's definitely the best title ever conceived for a self-help seminar.

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    1. I like to think of it as tough love, self help style.

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  4. I think as writers we have an obligation to write our own obituaries. Well done! I hope your family uses it! I'm sure one of the boy toys will post it on your behalf. Or Chuckie will :)

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  5. I love it! Very well said. Every obit should have the word "zeitgeist" in it!

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  6. We had to write our own obit as a high school English project. Mine was no where near as awesome as yours. I think maybe you should hang up a shingle and write obits for a living.

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    1. Ooh, that would be fun! But I'd probably just get into trouble a lot for making fun of the dearly departed.

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  7. Mayhap I should hire you to write my obit...

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  8. Ah, so you do plan to marry then....... ;)

    Hmmm, "survived by [A] husband", does that then mean there are going to be more than one? ;)

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    1. Of course! I've always wanted to have multiple husbands ... preferably all at once.

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  9. I had to wipe away a tear from my eye whilst reading this.

    And how on earth did you manage to write a string of bestselling sci-fi erotic mystery novels, have a series of "Things My Cat Threw Up" sculptures, run help seminars and still have time to have 17 kids?!
    I'm not even gonna ask about the Tarragindi water polo team, or the howler monkey. :)

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  10. oh I am so going to need those self help seminars! where can I find them?

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  11. 17 kids.... is that a fact? Somebody has been very busy. I suppose it has nothing to do with your sci-fi erotic mystery novels... ;)

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    1. LOL! And given I don't have any kids yet, I'm going to be very busy over the next few years!

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  12. Wait, how can neglect to mention the blogging prowess?!?!

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  13. 17 children!?! You'll never make it to 102, nor will you have time to pen a string of sci-fi erotic mystery novels (is the mystery part "who did I sleep with yesterday aboard my wiener shaped space ship"?).

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    1. LOL! Have you read my sci-fi erotic mystery novels? Sounds like you have!

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  14. With that obit, people would assume you are going to die from exhaustion. However, we fans know it will never be as mundane as that. Perhaps attack by zombie dogs, for never including them in your writing?

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    1. I fully intend to die in a freak unicorn stampede. Either that or being squashed by a giant fiber glass whale.

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  15. The entire town would have to stop on the day of your funeral because everyone would be there.

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    1. Of course, I'm assuming it will be mandatory. They'll all probably turn up just to make sure I'm really dead.

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  16. Truly delightful, please write mine. xxx

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  17. Oh that's funny! And your funeral will be full of sincerely sorrowful mourners, not like at Margaret Thatcher's funeral going on today in Britain.

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    1. Well I certainly hope more people are sorry to see me go than seem to be upset about her.

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  18. this was great! I'm so glad you got a howler monkey in your lifetime! Will you leave the water polo team to me in your will?

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  19. You are one funny woman, may you live to 102, surrounded by many toy boys!

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  20. Hilarious! And it's got me thinking, maybe I should get my own obituary prepared.

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    1. It never hurts to be ready! Plus, do you really want to leave something that important for the people you leave behind?

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  21. Lovely and hilarious!! I think I need to make my own up just in case. I would really hate to have in there that "Lisa was phenomenal at cleaning the pee out from under the toilet seal using old toothbrushes" I need to spice things up a bit.

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    1. I don't know, that sounds like a pretty good legacy to leave behind. Expert pee cleaner!

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  22. HAHA - I look forward to reading your blog each morning even before breakfast and a shower! HAHA It helps me start the day right with a smile on my face. Thanks for that.

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  23. 17 children!? Hahaha. This reminds me of that saying about not going to the grave with a life unused. :)

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    1. Huh, seems to me it should be about not going to the grave with other miscellaneous unused body parts *nudge-wink*

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  24. God Gawd girl if you live to 102 with that many young'uns, please let me know your secret to longevity!!!! It must be hard liquor 'cause this wine ain't cuttin' it and I only got 2 teenagers.

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    1. LOL! The trick is to treat it like a pyramid scheme, I think. Get a percentage from each of them, going down the generations!

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  25. I had to look up zeitgeist. Sure I've SEEN it before, but I always thought it was one of those old Jewish Broadway producers. So thanks heavens for google because now I even know how to pronounce it. Maybe all those children were ones you adopted when you got rich and famous?

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    1. Well at this point it's either going to be adoption, or three sets of quintuplets and a couple of twins.

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  26. Only half the water polo team???

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    1. I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew ;P

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  27. Touching obit, really. Perhaps you could help me write one as mine by comparison would seem very dull. I do love your optimism. 102..wow

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    1. I'm probably aiming a bit high ... perhaps I should just go with a quarter of the water polo team.

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  28. LOL! Can you write mine for me, please? Of course, you will have to write it before I die so that I get to enjoy it too. :-D

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    1. LOL! That's the best part of writing your own obit, you get to see it!

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  29. Great obit! You're right, they are often very exagerated but yours seems very probable! :P

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    1. There's a chance, I think. Provided I can have seventeen kids in the next five years. That's doable, right?

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  30. Obituary: Notice followed by a grave undertaking.

    Yours made me almost cry; I laughed so much.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!
    Bears Noting

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  31. My favourite epitaph is Spike Milligan's: I told them I was ill.

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  32. LOL!!! 17 kids??? Be careful what you wish for!!!!

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    1. Well they'll take a bit of work at first, but I'm sure it'll pay off later. Kids are like a pyramid scheme, right? You get a percentage of their money?

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  33. Wow! That's a heck of an obituary! Now I'm inspired to start working on mine!

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    1. Good idea! You don't want to leave it to someone who'll write something awful and boring.

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  34. I never thought about writing my own obituary, but you are right in one respect. Who should I trust to do it but me?

    I had the opportunity a few months back to attend a funeral of a person I knew. Although I passed it up, the only reason I might have gone would have been to have assurance this person was actually, finally gone. Sad, but I think we all know someone like this at one point or another in life. I can only imagine what the obituary, eulogy and services were like, after knowing them in real life...

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    1. I think we've all attended a funeral like that at some point. It's awful, but so so true.

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  35. Who was it that said, "You only live once, and if you do it right, once is enough"? Was that you?

    So what will is say on your tombstone? Mine will say, "See....I told you I was sick."

    S

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    1. Hmm, I'm thinking "If this stone's a rock'n, don't bother knock'n".

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  36. I am so going to see your art show... If you leave the 17 kids at home. I can only deal with my two brothers in small doses.

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    1. Fair enough. Seventeen kids would cause a hell of a ruckus, and given time constraints they'd have to be a whole bunch of quintuplets so there's a nightmare right there!

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  37. I had reason to visit a cemetary recently and was reading the epitaphs (as one does). It occurred to me that graveyards are the original Twitter. Summarize a life in 140 characters or less. Happy A to Zing and thanks for the visit to my blog.

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  38. What did your hubby say about the three boy toys? Love your obit, hope you can accomplish all of that :)

    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes.com
    Visiting from AtoZ #41

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    1. I'll have to ask him ... as soon as we actually meet ;D

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  39. That's a great one - used to have to write obits for a while and could have used a chuckle for real

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  40. I'm just diggin' that first sentence: "The WORLD was ROCKED today by news of the DEATH of..." Wow!!!

    Take care, Slu

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  41. You know your last line in the post could be read in two ways? :)

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  42. Total awesomeness!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  43. 17 children? Now, I thought I was doing well! Love the comment about epitaphs and Twitter.

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    1. Yep, although I'm probably going to have to have three sets of quintuplets and a set of twins to make it work.

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  44. Only half of the Tarragindi water polo team?

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  46. hehe 3 toyboys, you sure still had energy with 102! i talked with my parents yesterday what I want at my funeral...lots and lots of creme cakes and everybody has to talk about me..ME ME ME

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  47. Great idea to write your own. Spare a thought for poor Chuckie :)

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