Saturday, April 13, 2013

L is for Lying: because the truth is both overrated and boring...

April A-Z Topic:  Lying

I've decided that from now on whenever someone asks me how my weekend was, I'm going to lie.

Oh, come on, don't look at me like that! It's not like they're really interested in my weekend. If they're going to ask me questions they really don't care about the answers to, then I should at least be allowed to have a little bit of fun with them.

You could even look at it from the perspective of performing a social service. I really couldn't care less about how so-and-so went to the flea market on Saturday afternoon, but if they told me they'd spent that time hunting down international terrorists and picking them off one by one, sniper style, then I'd be all ears.

And probably a little bit terrified.

Think about it, every Monday morning when you got into work, there'd be a crowd of adoring fans huddled round you desk, waiting to hear about your weekend adventures. I could get used to the glory. Sitting in my swivel chair, enthralling them all with tales of my daring and bravery.

I could tell them how during my aerial ballet sky diving class the ropes broke on my parachute, so with only a feather, a piece of chewing gum, and a length of string, I fashioned a makeshift hang glider and glided to safety.

Sure it's a bit far fetched, but what would you prefer me to do?  Tell them the truth, that I'd sat on the couch watching reruns of The Simpsons and eating popcorn straight from the microwave paper bag because I was too lazy to get a bowl out of the cupboard?

I think you can see why lying is clearly the better option here.

113 comments:

  1. Better yet, why not spend your weekends writing these terrific stories and querying them to editors. Bruce Coville said, "He likes writing because he gets paid to lie to kids."

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. LOL! It probably would be a better use of my time :D

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  2. Sometimes someone reads one my posts and tells me, "That never happened like that."

    I tell them. "Yeah, but the real story is boring and sucks!"

    Lie, Lie, Lie!!

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    1. Exactly! Sometimes a story is good, but a well placed lie can make it great!

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  3. Yes, I agree with you;lying is the better option.

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  4. I never thought I ]'d say this, but, I disagree with you. Do you not have shallow non-conversations with coworkers? When you see them, do you simply say, "hello, I hope you made some sort of caffeinated beverage as i will not dare to pretend to have any interest in your life and only wish to exchange the minimalist of pleasantries"?
    Sometimes asking "how was your weekend" is a desperate clawing at hope that something interesting will maybe come vomiting out of that person's mouth. Of course in general we don't care about the answer, but we do care about the person in general, and also hope beyond hope that one time, some interesting answer (that's also true so we can retell that story and add spice to other people's lives) will somehow spill out of that mouth. Lie if you must, but we are all just trying to be pleasant to one another, whilst at the same time dreaming of vicariously having an interesting experience that we can use to interrupt the malaise of general pleasantries.
    Don't demonize the hollow "how are you" false inquiry's of standard conversation, as it may be a portal to something more interesting or simply a daily substitute of screaming obscenities at those we truly like, but do not care about at all.
    So yes, tell the truth. Otherwise you are tricking people into repeating your lies.

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    1. You're right, how thoughtless of me! Taking away the rights of the common or garden office dweller to have shallow, meaningless conversations with each other.

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  5. I'm skydiving again soon, but it won't be on the weekend.

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    1. Will it have something to do with international espionage? Or a bank heist getaway?

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  6. If you told me that you were sat on the couch watching reruns of The Simpsons and eating popcorn straight from the microwave paper bag, I'd be spitting with envy...God, I really do need to go and get a life. :)

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  7. Or you could say something like, "You don't want to know." If you pitched your voice perfectly it could infer that something EXTREMELY significant happened. That would leave them wondering. Of course, it would get even worse if you absolutely refused to share anything about it. (The real reason being that there is NOTHING TO SHARE. Ergo, they really don't want to know.) You could by telling the truth build yourself up to be a true woman of mystery. There is nothing people like more than a secret that they think they DON'T know and must crack. If you did this every time someone asked, people would think that you had a real Dramedy going on outside the office. And you are one heck of a secret keeper. Hehehehe.

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    1. Ooh, that's a good idea! Or I could go with "I'd like to tell you, but I can't say anything before the trial"

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  8. I find that when folks ask those perfunctory pleasantry type questions just mumbling something that sounds vaguely like English words is usually enough to get you past them.

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    1. True. Most aren't even listening to your response anyway.

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  9. I used to TOTALLY think that those "how are you" questions were for show. I was in the mall and my sister-in-law's VERY annoying cousin caught me there. I was trying to make good my escape and it's possible I wasn't paying the best attention (okay - I was mostly looking for escape routes). She asked "How are you?" I answered with the STANDARD "Fine, how are you?" because HEY - I don't really know her and we don't REALLY expect an answer when we don't, right? Apparently she answered "I've been really sick." I didn't hear it AT ALL... I said "That's nice." And I totally escaped! My companion ran after me with with her mouth hanging open "I can't believe you said that!" gleefully filling me in... Total whoops.

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    1. Ouch! That must have been awkward the next time you saw her!

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  10. When we care about someone we can find interest in all the ordinary things they do, but I do agree that lying would give great scope for some exciting stories. Then again, maybe it's all in the telling. Ordinary things can sound quite extraordinary in the hands of a good storyteller. btw, do you write fiction?

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    1. I do, when I get the chance. I started this blog as a writing exercise, something to give me more discipline in my writing habits, but it's turned into quite the time hog. Still, I do have a couple of things I'm working on.

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  11. Naa, don't lie, just tell them the absolute bold truth about your weekend in full detail, and you'll find out just how interested they are.
    1. Watch their faces as you give them full accurate breakdowns of everything, I mean EVERYTHING. The face is a dead giveaway.
    2. In time you will notice that some of those same people won't bother to ask you about you weekend again as they know you will give them a good answer and they're not really interested anyway. Play the game Kellie.

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    1. Now I'm intrigued. Perhaps I should try this and see how many people I can have running when they see me coming by the end of the week.

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  12. Ha Ha Ha. EVERY morning my assistant says "Good morning. How are you?" Every morning I say "Good thanks and you?"

    I wont lie (a pet hate of mine) but it is time for a different response!

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    1. Next time she says it, you should reply with "Well that depends ... do you know any hit men?"

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  13. *giggles* I used to lie a lot as a kid, when I started working I made a really hard conscious effort to tell the truth all the time -I had some extraordinary experiences and I never got accused of lying until I started telling the truth! If I really don't want to know someone's life story (very rare) I ask a yes/no question. Have you been well? Instead of Tell me how are you?

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    1. Good point! It should be a rule, if you ask an open ended question, you're committing yourself to listening to whatever the other person wants to tell you!

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  14. Female MacGyver, I sometimes make up crap too. There are a few people that asks you how you are while they walk past you..."The voices in my head told me to kill you!", they turn around "what?", I said "It is nice to see you!"...walking off.

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  15. Nothing wrong with well told lie. An artform all of its own.

    mood
    Moody Writing

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    1. Absolutely! Lying as a career, otherwise known as fiction writing ;D

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  16. To avoid the actual lying bit you could begin with the disclaimer: "you're not going to believe this, but...". Then launch into the tall tales told with a straight face!

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    1. That's a good idea, it'll completely absolve me of being accused of lying!

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  17. I would not call it lying, more like taking creative license.

    Came by from Tales of the Reborn Crafter

    http://talesofthereborncrafter.blogspot.com/

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    1. I would, but I'm pretty sure my license has been revoked ;D

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  18. My name is James...... James Bond. He could do that gum and string repair job for sure! Yes. I say lie and give them the stories they long to hear.

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  19. L is for loving you blog. My first visit but won't be my last. Following now. I lie for a living but I never thought to lie ABOUT my living. Can't wait for Monday now.

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    1. You lie for a living? Huh, I do it for fun. But we all need a hobby, right?

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  20. I listen to talk radio and each caller always begins with "how are you?"You can tell the radio host gets annoyed answering that, over and over.

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    1. LOL! It must be hard for them, and they have to make it sound like they're thrilled to be asked every time.

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  21. haha, i guess it could kinda be like that "poetic license" we writers are granted--cute post!!

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  22. I have to drive a brand new Ferrari all weekend. It's a filthy job but someone has to do it.
    Actually, I really do, and it is a filthy job because they're rubbish. I'd rather be welded to the sofa watching endless re-runs of NCIS

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    1. LOL! There aren't too many things I'd rather be doing than watching reruns of NCIS. I love that show!

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  23. LOL - I think I will try this on hubby next time he asks me something and I am fairly sure he is not listening. :)

    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes.com
    Visiting from AtoZ #41

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    1. Just tell him all about how you were kidnapped by aliens, that should tell you whether he's listening or not.

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  24. Awesome idea! I can remember years ago when my grandmother (rest her soul) would call me. My standard opening words were "How you doing?" to which she would reply something like, "Oh, not so good. My hemorrhoids are acting up and...." Hearing of her days fighting crime and/or evil would have been much more entertaining. :)

    S

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    1. LOL! I think that's just one of the things you're allowed to do when you get old. That and telling kids to get off your damned lawn.

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  25. Here's a better option...you could actually go out and have daring weekend adventures...then you wouldn't have to lie! :)

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    1. But then I'd have to put down the popcorn and get off the couch! You can see my dilemma!

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  26. I'd rather not have that many visitors. Just the couple who wanted to chat about those sweet Simpsons reruns.

    John at The Bathroom Monologues

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    1. LOL! Oh yes, a Simpsons conversation is always a good thing.

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  27. Wait, isn't that how everyone eats microwave popcorn?

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  28. I literally have the same attitude as you, but I skip the lying part. I actually say, "I did nothing and sat at home and watched re-runs and looked at houses that I might be able to afford but because of my budget they either smelled of mothballs or 100 year old sex."

    But it's not like they all live better lives. One guy goes fishing on weekends, and I think that would be incredibly boring. He's Mormon so there'd be no drinking, swearing, or anything fun really to do while fishing. So what's the point?

    So yeah *high five. I'll be back to visit this blog often.

    Admitting the truth shall set you free.

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    1. Well the truth is all fine and dandy, but it won't get you lauded as a hero in your office ;P

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  29. I would have to lie if anyone wanted to hear anything remotely interesting about my life. As I work in a home office with just my husband....our banter of what our kids are doing that is presently annoying or pleasing us, what list of chores are staring at us and begging our attention or what the weather is....you get how dull this is right????

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    1. LOL! Yep, I imagine it would be hard to convince your husband you had an exciting weekend when he watched you eat a packet of timtams and veg out to a Project Runway marathon.

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  30. I hate ti when people ask me what I did over the weekend - specially if I have spend the weekend doing nothing but reading and sleeping :P
    Making up stories seems like a good way out !

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    1. I think so. I hate telling the truth about what I did, it always leaves me feeling like I'm not living an interesting enough life to keep them entertained.

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  31. What fun that would be to make up a fantasy weekend. Chase all the spies you want. This weekend my parents are watching the kids and Rick and I are taking our private jet to the Caribbean for some fun in the sun, exotic drinks with umbrellas in them and some alone time. ;)

    Sigh. It is nice to dream. Well, I've gotten go now and throw another load of laundry in the...I mean, I see a game of beach volley ball about to start.

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  32. But I'd feel so much better about how I am sitting here on the couch contemplating more pretzels if you told the truth!

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    1. LOL! Don't worry, I ate half a canister of pringles for breakfast on Sunday. You're good with the pretzels.

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  33. First, thank you for saying "couldn't" instead of could care less. Bit of a pet peeve of mine.
    Secondly, are there people who put the popcorn in bowls? Why?
    With all of those deadly creatures you have in Australia, you are set for a good long time with death-defying feats.

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    1. I must just have hoity toity friends then, who look at me askance when I don't put the chips or the popcorn in a bowl. What next, expecting me to put the dip and salsa in a dish rather than leaving it in the little plastic container?

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  34. I can see your point. The truth however, has charms all of its own..

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    1. You're right, the truth can be charming ... just not very interesting in my case.

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  35. Well, um, that would be interesting. I'm not so sure about truth being overrated. But I think sanity is.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!
    Bears Noting

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    1. Oh, sanity definitely is overrated! Mind you, I haven't suffered from sanity in a long time, so I wouldn't really know.

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  36. Oh, if only I had the cajones to try this on a Monday morning....not only would it make me a LEGEND in my office, I could practice my story-inventing skills. Two birds!!

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    1. Yep, you definitely need to give it a try. Just think of the looks of awe and wonder you'll get! Either that or the grimacing and backing away slowly, depending on the story you choose.

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  37. I am gonna try this on monday and see how it goes...I love the idea.

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    1. Awesome! And don't forget, if they look at you disbelievingly, just smile and wink at them. It'll confuse them even more :D

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  38. Oh I would definitely want to have a shift with you on a Monday. Though I must admit I'd be really tempted to try and one-up you each week.

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    1. And that's the beauty of the plan! Monday need never be boring again!

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  39. Wait--what--you USUALLY put your microwave popcorn in a BOWL before you eat it??? That's crazy.
    :)

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    1. That's what I said, but my friends were all "You need to put it in a bowl blah blah blah"!

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  40. You could be the McGyver of weekends! That's a great idea - just lie about the weekend. I had somebody ask me the other day what I had planned for the weekend and I just flat out said "Nothing." End of conversation. BO-RING! Intrigue trumps that any day.

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    1. LOL! It's always embarrassing to admit you didn't do anything. I always feel like I've let the asker down or something.

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  41. Good one, Kellie. Or...maybe you just need a vacation :)

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  42. Love it. Now just to come up with a good story for work tomorrow ...

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    1. May I recommend a snowboarding incident involving a donkey, a length of rubber hose and a mysteriously unnamed celebrity?

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  43. I have a friend who asks me nearly every day how my day was. That question makes me want to scream sometimes! My days are pretty much same old, same old, and I can't believe he's actually interested in that. Your way sounds far more entertaining...

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    1. I'm guessing that he isn't even paying attention. Give him a whopper of a story and see if he even notices!

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  44. This is so funny!! I hear you. I always just say "fine" or "good" when someone asks about my weekend. I mean honestly who wants to hear "my cat barfed on the carpet, my kids were acting like animals...." They just want to hear "good". I met my husband when we were teenagers (didn't meet up again or marry until late 20's) but he used to lie all the time in school. He used to say he had a brother named Kevin who died. He used to say the singer "Meatloaf" was related to him, it went on and on. Honestly, now I wonder if he's lying right now about something...he might be.

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    1. LOL! Sounds like he's got a few years of lying practice under his belt, you'll have to get started right away if you want to catch up to him!

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  45. I like your plan! So much better than all the details around dishes, laundry, cleaning up after my kids and driving to and from kids activities. Great to meet you on the A to Z.
    A2Z Mommy And What’s In between

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    1. Give it a try! Amuse your workmates, appall your family ;D

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  46. Oh, that would be too funny! I would love to try something like that because how many people aren't really listening when you answer anyway? It's kind of one of those questions, "How are you?" "Fine." If you said that about the parachute and the feather, they'd be like "Huh? What did you say?" :)

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    1. I like throwing things like that in every now and then to see if they're paying attention. If you lead off with the whole "Fine, did some laundry" then throw in "after I was kidnapped by aliens" it really shows who's listening.

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  47. This made me laugh like crazy! I shall try this on my boss tomorrow morning perhaps :)

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    1. Give it a shot! What's the worst that can happen ;D

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  48. Yes! That is exactly how I spend my weekends!

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  49. I'm the exact opposite... When I have a spectacular weekend, I often don't tell many at work. It's just too exhausting and I hate talking on Mondays.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. LOL! Mental note, if Val isn't talking, something interesting happened.

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  50. You could always say something like what you said in your post - "Oh, come on, don't look at me like that! It's not like you're really interested in my weekend. If you're going to ask me questions you really don't care about the answers to, then I should at least be allowed to have a little bit of fun with you."

    Pull them up on it. The amount of times I've had people ask me questions and then turn or walk away is ridiculous and so fucking rude!

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    1. I think it just becomes a routine, ask how they are, smile and say fine thanks, go on your way.

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  51. Of course, lying also keeps those creative juices flowing so we can write better fiction. (Always have a good justification in reserve.)

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  52. So true, people ask, but do they really care or do they try to be nice/make conversation. Hmmm... something to think about now. :)
    Silvia @ Silvia Writes

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    1. I think it's that they get in the habit of asking and not expecting a real response.

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  53. Good thing you are condoning this, because I need a make believe boysfriend, stat! I'm so sick of people asking me if I have anyone special. Now, I'm not only going to have someone special, but he is going to be amazing!

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    1. Absolutely! Have I ever told you about my Jeff? He's a firefighter who fosters kittens and paints landscapes in his spare time.

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  54. I love crowds of adoring fans. Some people call the the IRS. Ummm.....

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  55. This blog is soo funny! Love it! Also, I used to have wallpaper that was exactly the same as your background!

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  56. A hang glider.....come on Kell. You would need at least one piece of wire for that!

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