Thursday, July 26, 2012

Job hunting for dummies...

What with the current economic climate and the precarious position we're all in, I've decided it's time for me to seriously consider what I'd do if I were to lose my job.  It's happening, all over the place, so I need to have a plan ready in case the dreaded event ever occurs.

After serious consideration, here are the possibilities.

Professional Sex Worker
Yeah, I know, it's just another term for prostitute.  A rose by any other name and all that jazz.  But lets be honest, it's always an option.  Buy a nice lace teddy, change the sheets, put up a red light outside the house, and off you go!  As far as careers go, it's a pretty cushy one, you get to set your own hours, the pay is pretty good for the amount of work involved, you're your own boss, and hey ... all the sex you want!

But what with it being legal and all now days, there's all sorts of red tape to navigate.  Paperwork to fill out, licences to get, law enforcement officers to pay off.  It kind of sucks all the fun out of it.

MMO Goldfarmer
Now here's one I'm totally qualified for!  I spent years playing World of Warcraft, and if anyone knows how to earn gold in that game, it's me.  I know all the secrets, some of them even legit, of how to turn those thousands into hundreds of thousands.

But then again I'd be competing against a pretty big market.  There are oodles of gold farmers in China, slaving away for 10 cents and hour.  I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that much of a pay cut ... even if it does mean I get to sit on my ass and play computer games all day as a profession.

Sideshow Spruiker
It's a stable career, Sideshows never go out of business (to my knowledge).  There's a long and noble history of people making money by showcasing the genetic misfortunes of others.  I'm sure I could become quite proficient in standing on a box and yelling loudly to the passing crowds "Come see the freaks!  Sixpence to see the freaks!"  

I'll have to work a bit on my cockney accent, but really that's just a formality.  I'll also have to make sure I suppress the urge to flinch whenever I get too close to Dolores the Bearded Lady or Bernardo The Man With Two Noses ... but that's really just a matter of professionalism.

Travel Agency Holiday Tester
So the Travel Agency has come up with a new package deal.  They've sourced the flights and hotels, planned the schedules, arranged the perks and extras ... they just need someone to test it out and make sure everything goes according to plan.

That's where I'd come in.  Despite great personal inconvenience, I'd allow them to whisk me away on first class flights to exotic destinations were I would stay in five star hotels, eating at the finest restaurants and sampling the best entertainment and diversions on offer.  It's a tough job, gruelling even, but someone's got to do it.


Hmm, I wonder which one I should go for.




30 comments:

  1. You need to think about it? How does Sideshow Spruiker not just strike you as the most fantastic job ever! Think about it you get to see all the freaks for free everyday! I'm changing my occupation now!

    (also to all woman out there thinking about becoming Prostitues, don't! Instead become those woman on internet sex chat videos! All the dirty talk, none of the dirty guys touching you!)

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    1. Maybe I should include phone sex worker. I could talk dirty while playing tetris!

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  2. I'm just impressed you knew the world Spruiker.

    If I lost my job I'd become a lady of leisure and find a sugar daddy. Okay, not really, but it sounded fun for a minute.

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    1. Sugar daddy's are so hard to come by these days. Although if I could find one that's around 85 years old with a heart condition ...

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  3. Personally I would pick the Travel Agency Holiday Tester. How awesome would that be? "Oh I'm going to La Ti Da off to Bali today!" Amazing.

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    1. I remember telling my teacher that I wanted to be a holiday tester when I was ten years old. I was completely serious at the time :D

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  4. I would go for gold digger. Find a nice 80'ish rich guy, make sure he changes his will to leave you everything, and just sit back and wait out your destiny. The only thing ya gotta worry about is his ungrateful kids who will contest the will and want what is rightfully theirs.

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    1. Ooh, I'd just have to make sure he signed things over to me BEFORE he croaked then.

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  5. "Sex worker" can include strippers and pole dancers too, just to add to your employment options.

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    1. True, although if I was going to go into that line I think I'd plump for Dominatrix. The costumes look awesome!

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  6. I cannot count the number of times I've asked myself why I haven't given prostitution a try. I hear it's quite lucrative.

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    1. Yep, but only if you're one of those fancy prostitutes, like Belle De Jour. Not if you're one of those skanky prostitutes like the chick I saw in the Mall last night hanging out under a streetlight and wearing a pair of jeans she'd shredded all the way up to her coochie.

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  7. Many options are out there for ya, take your pick!!!

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    1. I'll admit, I'm leaning towards Sideshow Spruiker

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  8. Did you see the preview for the new movie coming out about the ladies who start their own sex phone hotline company? Maybe you should look into that! lol

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    1. Ooh, good thought! I can do sexy talk, and keep my solitaire skills up!

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  9. You know... I still have a plan to learn some weird skill and be able to become a carnie. It's been a life long dream of mine. True story!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  10. Ooh, spruiker! That's a great word! That one would be the most interesting, just think of all the fascinating people you'd meet. Maybe you'd even fall in love, have a little bearded baby...ah, the romance of it all!

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    1. Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that! What if my baby had a beard? Or webbed feet? Or gills?

      Wait, my dad actually has a gill. It runs from under his ear and down his shoulder. The doctor didn't want to tell my grandmother what it was when he was a kid because they were catholic so, you know, not really into the whole evolution thing.

      Maybe my kids would have gills anyway.

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  11. They all sound like so much fun, I mean how could you choose? I'm personally holding out for a position as professional pastry taster. Best of luck to ya! :D

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    1. Always the solid choice. It's a growth industry.

      See what I did there? Did ya?

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  13. As someone about to lose my job in a week, this was way helpful. But also, as a person right in between hooker and sideshow freak--I'm not interesting enough to have someone pay to see me, but ugly enough to have to pay for sex myself--I don't know if I can take your advice. And I don't want to move to China to farm gold. Can someone just pay me to write insane and inane essays?

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    1. Oh sweetheart, if any of us knew the answer to that we'd all be rich right now.

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  14. All those sound better than my current gigs as waitress and lunch lady.

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    1. I've always been a little intrigued by the lunch ladies. The ones at my school held so much power.

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  15. Wait a minute! Is that travel agency holiday tester real? A person can do that for a living? Clearly, I have been failing at life.

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    1. The way I figure it, someone has to test the holidays. Make sure the beds are comfy, the minibar is stocked and the casual sex with random strangers is kinky.

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