J is for Job: or, how to play corporate charades...

April A-Z Topic:  Jobs

One of these days my workmates are going to ask me to do something for them in plain English, and I'm going to pass out from the shock of it.

 Now don't get me wrong, I love my workmates!  They're all wonderful and talented librarians.  But that's just it, they're librarians, so sometimes financial things go right over their heads.

Take the other morning, for example, when a workmate came up to my desk and asked that question I've come to dread.

Workmate: So, Kellie, do you think you could get me a copy of that report? 

Kellie: (looking confused) Um … sure … which report is that exactly? 

Workmate: You know, the one we were looking at the other day. 

Kellie: (thinking of the thirty odd reports they looked at) Oh, of course. So you want the forecast report? 

Workmate: No, the one we were looking at before, remember? 

Kellie: The expenditure one? 

Workmate: (getting frustrated) No, the other one! 

Kellie: (guessing wildly) The budget one? The salary one? The one about the mole I had removed last week? 

Finally, quite a long time later and after an impromptu game of charades, I worked out what she was asking for. Relief! I knew which report she wanted. I could get it for her, then spend the rest of the day hiding under my desk incase she made me go through this again. Then, the corker.

Workmate: Oh, and could I get a copy of the other one too?  

Kellie: Which other one?  

Workmate: The other one we were just talking about.

I give up.

Women in the workplace ... whatever next...

Hello students!  Professor Kellie here, and today's Convoluted History Class will be entitled "Gals in the Workplace; or, you just sit down sweet cheeks while the big boys do the real work".

For those who read Mass Transportation (and who doesn't!), you may be familiar with their excellent 1943 publication on the topic called "Eleven Tips To Getting More Efficiency Out Of Women Employees".  This simple, common sense advice was aimed at male bosses who have been forced to hire women.  I know, I know, how dreadful!  Girls in the workplace, doing the work of men, taking wages away from deserving lads.  Whatever next!  Female doctors?  Lawyers?  A female Prime Minister?

I know you're all sitting there thinking that surely this is an isolated incident.  How many women could there really be in the workforce?  After all, we all know that women are entirely unsuited to working, unless it's in a job like nurse, beautician, or stripper.

But you'd be surprised at how many women have crept into all facets of the workforce over the years, and as employers you need to know how to handle the delicate little creatures.  I'm not going to go through all the tips with you, I'm sure you can all read them at your leisure, but lets look at a few of them together, shall we?

"Pick young married women.  They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently."

Oh those women, it's so hard for them to resist flirting with everything that moves!  Best only hire ones who are already hitched, they're less of a threat.  But heaven forbid, don't hire them if they're too old!  You may not want them getting up to a little hanky panky with the photocopy boy, but you need to have SOMETHING good to look at!

"General experience indicates that husky girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters."

Very good advice, students!  We all know that a girl who's on the plump side will be much more even tempered, and therefore much less likely to take offence to anything you might do or say and haul off and hit you in the face ... like, for example, call her plump.

"Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes.  Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves."

This is an important one to pay attention to.  After all, we all know that women, bless their dear little hearts, can't make decisions for themselves.  If you don't give them a solid schedule, mapping out every minute of their days, god only knows what you'll find them doing when you get back!  So give them a well planned daily itinerary and there's no way that they'll want to throttle you for micromanaging.

And this ends our class for today, students.  I hope you've all learned something about this very important topic.  Don't forget to study, there'll be a test later!

Job hunting for dummies...

What with the current economic climate and the precarious position we're all in, I've decided it's time for me to seriously consider what I'd do if I were to lose my job.  It's happening, all over the place, so I need to have a plan ready in case the dreaded event ever occurs.

After serious consideration, here are the possibilities.

Professional Sex Worker
Yeah, I know, it's just another term for prostitute.  A rose by any other name and all that jazz.  But lets be honest, it's always an option.  Buy a nice lace teddy, change the sheets, put up a red light outside the house, and off you go!  As far as careers go, it's a pretty cushy one, you get to set your own hours, the pay is pretty good for the amount of work involved, you're your own boss, and hey ... all the sex you want!

But what with it being legal and all now days, there's all sorts of red tape to navigate.  Paperwork to fill out, licences to get, law enforcement officers to pay off.  It kind of sucks all the fun out of it.

MMO Goldfarmer
Now here's one I'm totally qualified for!  I spent years playing World of Warcraft, and if anyone knows how to earn gold in that game, it's me.  I know all the secrets, some of them even legit, of how to turn those thousands into hundreds of thousands.

But then again I'd be competing against a pretty big market.  There are oodles of gold farmers in China, slaving away for 10 cents and hour.  I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that much of a pay cut ... even if it does mean I get to sit on my ass and play computer games all day as a profession.

Sideshow Spruiker
It's a stable career, Sideshows never go out of business (to my knowledge).  There's a long and noble history of people making money by showcasing the genetic misfortunes of others.  I'm sure I could become quite proficient in standing on a box and yelling loudly to the passing crowds "Come see the freaks!  Sixpence to see the freaks!"  

I'll have to work a bit on my cockney accent, but really that's just a formality.  I'll also have to make sure I suppress the urge to flinch whenever I get too close to Dolores the Bearded Lady or Bernardo The Man With Two Noses ... but that's really just a matter of professionalism.

Travel Agency Holiday Tester
So the Travel Agency has come up with a new package deal.  They've sourced the flights and hotels, planned the schedules, arranged the perks and extras ... they just need someone to test it out and make sure everything goes according to plan.

That's where I'd come in.  Despite great personal inconvenience, I'd allow them to whisk me away on first class flights to exotic destinations were I would stay in five star hotels, eating at the finest restaurants and sampling the best entertainment and diversions on offer.  It's a tough job, gruelling even, but someone's got to do it.


Hmm, I wonder which one I should go for.

The best job idea in the world...

When I was a kid, if you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer would have changed practically every day.  A singer, a writer, a teacher, I went through them all.  

So how is it possible that I missed out of what could possibly be the best job idea of all time?

You see, it's the Queen's Jubilee that got me thinking about it.  The perfect job, sitting right there the whole time and I never even noticed.  What is it, you ask?  

Prince Philip's personal assistant!

My future boss.

No, just think about it.  The man doesn't really do anything, he just travels around with the wife, making off colour jokes and generally embarrassing everyone.  He's old, so he probably goes to bed early which guarantees no late nights working, and his house is just gorgeous, so I know I'd be living in the lap of luxury.

But honestly, I'm just be in it for the amusement factor. 

The man is a walking political incorrectness!  He's every old person out there who decided that they'd lived long enough, paid their dues, and now they were going to say whatever the damn they wanted whenever they wanted.  It'd be worth it for the one liners alone!

I had a search and here are a few of his best!

-  to the Nigerian President wearing traditional robes 

          "You look like you're ready for bed."

-  to a student trekking in PNG

          "You managed not to get eaten, then?"

-  to a woman with a guide dog

          "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?"

-  to a female sea cadet

          "Do you work in a strip club?"

-  to Cayman Islanders

          "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?"

-  on getting rich in Britain

          "What about Tom Jones?  He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer."

I'm pretty sure I could handle the job.  Remind him that he's scheduled to insult the ambassador of Norway in the morning, make sexually suggestive comments to a French actress in the afternoon, then talk loudly about inappropriate things during dinner.  

Seriously, I almost think I'd pay HIM for the honour!