Monday, August 6, 2012

My descent into arachnicide...

Guilt.  Today I'm feeling crushing, overwhelming guilt.  I'm a murderer ... and not one of those redeemable murderers who, sure, did something awful, but you can totally understand how it happened and they're only human so lets cut them some slack!  Oh no, I'm the murderer who killed someone who trusted them, someone who had lived with them for months.

Today I killed the huntsman spider that took up residence in my bathroom when the cold weather started to set in.

At first he was small, barely bigger across than a twenty cent piece.  He wasn't hurting anyone and seemed inclined to stay out of my way, so I named him Alan and let him stay.  But as time has passed he's grown.  I was willing to overlook his squatting tendencies as long as he was small and didn't look like he wanted to jump on my face or run up my leg.  But with him getting bigger, I knew it was time to do something.

So, with guilt settling in the pit of my stomach, I grabbed the Mortien tin and a roll of paper towel, and went to murder Alan.

He must have been so confused!  I'd never shown any signs of aggression towards him before.  He just hung out in the corner while I took a shower, explored the light bulb while I brushed my teeth, perched on top of the shower rail while I ... well, we don't need to go into all the finer details of what I do in the bathroom, do we?

Probably as far as he was concerned, we were happily cohabitating.  The feline flatmate wasn't giving him grief, I wasn't forcing him back into the cold, wintery outdoors, I'm sure he thought life was good!  That we were tight!

Then I come in with a tin of bug spray and a bad attitude, and the next thing he knows his life is being cut short by a psychotic woman who just seemed to snap out of the blue.

I'm sorry, Alan.  I didn't want to kill you, but I just couldn't take it any more.  The fear of you running up my leg while I was in the shower was just too great.
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20 comments:

  1. Kinley DaneAugust 6, 2012 at 12:43 AM

    Poor, poor Alan.

    I can't kill anything. When I was a kid, I sprayed a counter full of ants with bug spray, and then cried while they lay dying. I'm pretty sure they suffered.

    I now only have a catch and release program at my house...well, not if there were a ton of ants at once again. I'm pretty sure I would renew my mass murderer status if I was infested with something.

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:13 PM

      Oh no, an ant massacre! I probably would have cried at that too.

      Delete
  2. sporkgasmAugust 6, 2012 at 1:00 AM

    I kill spiders, ants, and flies. Everything else I can live with.

    I have A TON of spiders at my house so I'll usually make a deal with them like, "If you stay in the guest room you are welcome to stay." They rarely listen so...SMASH! One had the nerve to crawl up the toilet while I was on it yesterday. That guy had to die quick. You can not scamper toward my ladyparts without certain death. Well, if you're an arachnid at least.

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:14 PM

      Spiders are notoriously bad about sticking to a bargain. You say to them "You can stay as long as you don't come below the six foot mark on the wall and you stay in the bathroom" but the next thing you know they're lounging on your pillow.

      Delete
  3. Plant Seeds of HappinessAugust 6, 2012 at 6:46 AM

    I forgive you & I am sure you will have a light sentence sense you confessed to caring for him at one time, but I do know they go light on you if you confess the insanity plea! Alan was a wild spider it was a matter of time before he got you, best you took him out 1st!!!

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:15 PM

      Guilty but recommended to mercy? Well, I suppose that's the best I could hope for under the circumstances.

      Delete
  4. AnonymousAugust 6, 2012 at 12:40 PM

    Sounds to me like it was a case of self defense. It was only a matter of time before he sprang from the darkness and attempted to eat your face. It was either Alan or you.

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  5. A Beer for the ShowerAugust 6, 2012 at 10:39 PM

    You feel bad, but what do you think Alan's been doing while you've been showering? Let's just say he liked to watch way too much, and for him, 8 hands STILL isn't enough. You did the right thing.

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:18 PM

      Oh god ... I hadn't thought of that! I suddenly feel dirty. Perhaps I should go sit in the bottom of my shower and rock back and forth, crying.

      Delete
  6. Kelly FoxAugust 7, 2012 at 12:13 AM

    I used to be an exterminator. I'm sure there's a special tally board for me and all the tiny souls I have crushed. I was a really good exterminator, I'm small and wiry, and can pretend I'm fearless. I think I will blog about that today! You've inspired me!

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:19 PM

      Yay! I'm a muse! I'll have to get myself a greek robe and sit around with olive wreaths in my hair. I could totally rock that look.

      Delete
  7. DL HammonsAugust 7, 2012 at 3:24 AM

    I'm actually sad for Alan. Huh!? :)

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:20 PM

      Me too, poor Alan. He didn't do anything wrong, he was just minding his own business. Although, as A Beer For The Shower said, he was sitting in the bathroom, watching me ... it is kinda creepy when you think of it that way.

      Delete
  8. Sandy@SinsationallyMeAugust 7, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    RiP Alan. Now just beware any relatives that might come looking for him.

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:21 PM

      I hadn't thought of that! I'm gonna need a bigger tin of Mortien.

      Delete
  9. JaclynAugust 7, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    I feel bad too, but they are an intruder in our home!!!! Ew ew ew ew

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:24 PM

      I suppose I can console myself with that. He was, essentially, a home invader.

      Delete
  10. ValerieAugust 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Awww! So sad! I'm the same way. I try hard not to kill... Unless those bastards had it coming.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Kellie @ Delightfully LudicrousAugust 9, 2012 at 12:24 PM

      Usually I only kill them when they clearly deserve it, like they run up my leg, or towards me, or look at me wrong.

      Delete

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