Turns out there is still at least one decent bloke out there, and he's in charge of the army...

I don't often say that I'm proud to be an Australian.  It's just not something that we do.  As a nation we really don't hold much sacred ... except for maybe Vegemite and The Diggers [link].  Seriously, never say anything bad to an Aussie about The Diggers, we're raised from infancy to hold their memories sacrosanct.

But lack of patriotism aside, I have to admit that when I saw the video that the Australian Chief of Army released in response to the Army sex scandal that's being investigated at the moment, I puffed up a bit with pride [link].

Dude, as a woman and an Australian citizen, I want to say thank you.  You could have kept silent, pleading ongoing legal proceedings were prohibiting you from making a statement, but you stood up and said exactly what needed to be said.  And you were totally bad ass while doing it!

You're awesome, and you make me proud to belong to a country where people will still choose to do what's right over what will cover their asses.

I think my country is trying to kill me...

Okay, now I'm really starting to get a complex.

I've always known that Australia was a dangerous place to live.  This place just seems to be jam packed with beasties that want nothing more than to cut a bitch.  We've got crocodiles, sharks, dingoes ... and don't even get me started on koalas ... any of which would cheerfully end you as soon as look at you.  And possums!  Those little buggers are vicious, don't let their furry little faces fool you.

We've got eight of the ten most poisonous snakes in the world.  Eight out of ten!  And the spiders!  Seriously, just the idea of being bitten by a funnel web is enough to scare the bejezus out of me.

And don't even get me started on our oceans.  We've got box jellyfish which can kill you from the pain of their sting alone, blue ringed octopus which is only the size of a golf ball but is the most poisonous sea creature in the world, the stone fish which looks like a freaking stone so you don't even notice it until you've already stood on it and then bam, too late, and of course the old classic, the shark.

It's kind of a miracle that any of us make it into adulthood!

Sorry, I know I'm ranting.  It's just that my next door neighbour told me today that he saw a brown snake in our shared front yard.

The second most poisonous land snake in the world ... in my front yard ... where I walk every day to get to my car.

Welp, I guess I'm never leaving the house again.

I'm probably overreacting.  It's entirely possible it was a less poisonous snake and my neighbour was just mistaken, and even if he wasn't the snake apparently went into the next door's yard as he watched so maybe it was just "passing through".  Still, I guess I'll have to make sure I'm a little more careful from now on.

Good thing I spend practically no time outside.

I suppose I should be used to it by now, this is Australia after all.  Living here, you kind of learn to just accept the sheer dangerousness of everything around you as a given.  You kind of just accept that from time to time you'll be sharing your yard (if you're lucky) or your house (if you're unlucky) with something that can kill you.

I remember reading a great article written by Douglas Adams where he describes Australia and it's many dangers (and talks about how nice we are ... aw shucks, Doug, t'wern't nothin').  He goes on and on about the deadliness of our animals, the importance of checking inside one's shoes for trespassers, and the usefulness of a big stick.  The whole thing pretty much sums us up as a nation.

Go have a read of it, it's well worth the giggle.

As for the snake ... if he does come back I expect the possums will take care of him.  Like I said, those buggers are terrifying!

The Vegemite Experiment: findings from Sporkgasm...

Okay kids, we've finally reached the end of our little experiement!  After receiving mixed results from NellieVaughn, and an unequivocal no from Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!, the utterly adorable Sporkgasm has provided us with her findings.

Sporkgasm chose to record her findings via video, so that means we're lucky enough to get to watch as she experiences her first ever taste of the Black Peril!  Poor thing, she looked quite daunted as she spread the Vegemite on her carefully prepared piece of toast, but like the trooper that she is she forged ahead and took a generous bite.

 Her conclusion?  It tasted like salt.  With extra salt.  And not in a good way. 

Yeah, that's probably true enough.  I'm fairly sure that about 75% of all heart disease in Australia is caused by Vegemite, it's that heavy on the sodium.  I think it's one of those "if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger" things.

Sporkgasm plans to use the rest of her tube to make a dessert she saw on one of those cooking reality shows, so I wish her the best of luck!  I'm not sure how Vegemite fits into a sweet dish, but I'll be waiting eagerly to see if they're more palatable to American taste buds.

I think what I've gotten from this whole process is that I'm glad I was born and raised in Australia.  The thought of not liking Vegemite!  Of not having it for breakfast every day!  Horrifying!

There's no vintage Vegemite commercial today, I'm afraid!  Instead, I have a response that was crafted by Youtube's Communitychannel to an American vlogger who had besmirched Australia's good name due to our love of Vegemite, boomerangs and, strangely enough, apparent lack of a national anthem.  I think Communitychannel's reply said everything that all us Australians would have if given the chance.  Not to mention, she's freaking hilarious!

So it looks like a consensus has been reached.  I'm going to have to say, based on the results of our three intrepid guinea pigs, that it is highly unlikely someone not raised eating Vegemite will enjoy it if they're given some to try. I think most of us were expecting those results, but it's nice to have the data to back it up.  Makes it all legit.

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank our three brave scientists!  Your sacrifices for our amusement were greatly appreciated!

The Vegemite Experiment: findings from Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!

Good morrow, good fellows!  Today we have the second instalment of results from The Vegemite Experiment!

Those of you who frequent my blog will remember that we got the first lot of results from NellieVaughn over at Buttons Are Not Currency a couple of days ago.  Now we've got some new data to crunch through!

The ever so delightful Just Keepin' It Real, Folks! is our second guinea pig, and like the little trooper that she is she's put her life on the line to bring us all a fair and unbiased judgement of the appeal of Vegemite.

And it turns out her fair and unbiased judgement is that Vegemite makes a better wall putty, face mask and pot hole filler than it does a sandwich spread.  Yeah, I could see that ... well except for the face mask bit.  I've never known an Aussie to use it in that particular way before.  We're definitely not ready for that jelly.

Like most of us would, after deciding that it tasted awful she judged the best course of action was to inflict it on her poor unsuspecting family members.  Good girl!  That's the sort of initiative and dedication to the cause we like to see!  None of them seemed to find it any more appealing though, so I guess we can say that in answer to the question "Can some not raised on Vegemite like it", the answer from Just Keepin' It Real, Folks! is a definitive HELL NO!

And now, here's another old Vegemite commercial.  No real reason, I just think they're neat!

So, thank you for your input, Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!  I think we all found this to be extremely informative!  Coming soon, the final results from Sporkgasm!

The Vegemite Experiment: findings from NellieVaughn...

Any of you who have been reading my blog for a while will remember that a few weeks ago I proposed an experiment.  The goal ... to see if non Australians could enjoy the delightful sandwich spread that is known as Vegemite.

Today when I logged on to see what was happening in Blogteria it was to find that the first of my little care packages had reached their destination.  NellieVaughn over at Buttons Are Not Currency had received hers, along with my handy dandy instruction sheet, and she promptly leapt into action.

As Nellie isn't able to eat anything with gluten in it she couldn't test the spread herself.  It's jam packed full of those little glutinous buggers.  That's my bad, I should have made that clear from the start.  But undaunted, she still forged ahead, determined to do her bit for science.

She gave it to several adults to try, as well as her two absolutely adorable nieces, and the results were mixed I must say.  According to her the adults seemed to like it, but if the video evidence she posted is anything to go by I'd have to say the two girls were less than impressed.

One of them described it as tasting like "meat juice".  Hmm, fair cop.  I can totally see where she got that from.  I suppose it does taste a bit like basted roast beef.  The other said that it tasted "sour".  I probably would have gone with salty, but given that this is an experiment it's probably better that I keep my nosy opinions to myself and stop trying to skew the results.

So, to summarise.  So far we can determine that older, more mature taste buds are able to appreciate the allure of Vegemite, but it seems to be lacking in appeal to the youngsters.  But of course these are just the preliminary results, we've still got two more tubes of salty goodness making their way across the ocean!

And now, just for shits and giggles, here's an old Vegemite commercial!

So I'd like to thank NellieVaughn for her her valuable contribution to scientific knowledge!  We appreciate your willingness to sacrifice your friends and family to the cause!  Now we wait with palpitations to see what results Sporkgasm and Just Keepin It Real, Folks get!

Immortal possums on the loose...

Today at work we had a death on the premises.

No, it wasn't one of our clients, no little old ladies dropping off from a "Fifty Shades of Grey" induced heart attack.  It wasn't an employee either, although I'm sure several of them have gambled with their lives among the electric compactus.  Have you ever used one of those things?  They're terrifying if you don't have your wits about you!

The death was of a possum that's been living in the parking lot under the building since we moved in about six years ago.

Yeah they're cute ...
until they're making a
racket on your roof!

It turns out he'd slipped while running along a pipe in the roof and had managed to partially decapitate himself on the sharp edge.  The poor little fellow had then proceeded to leave such a mess of  ... well, I'll leave it up to your imagination ... on the floor below and it was blocking people from the loading area.  

And they say life in the library isn't glamorous.

I know it must sound like I'm incredibly cold hearted to be talking about it so glibly, but you have to understand that seeing a dead possum is hardly a novelty to anyone who lives in Australia.  Hell, I saw three of them while driving to work this morning.

Of all the Australian animals, they're the ones that adapted.  They ate our rubbish, built nests in our homes, and multiplied like rabbits.  They're, quite literally, everywhere, and it'd be a rare sight to drive even fifteen minutes without seeing one taking a little "nap" on the side of the road.

When I heard about it I have to confess my first thought was "Hmm, I wonder if this has any connection to the fact that the possum was pissing on all the company cars every night.  Accident?  I think not!"  Then I sat there for a few minutes and wondered exactly whose personal assistant was currently sitting in their office, cleaning possum blood off their letter opener.

But then I remembered, I work in a library.  We're not exactly a "hands on" bunch of people.  I don't think any of them could kill a possum.  I'm not saying they wouldn't want to, just that they couldn't.

Then I started to wonder if maybe it wasn't some sort of possumesque Highlander thing.  Maybe it was an immortal possum (it had been alive for a really long time), and another immortal possum came along and chopped it's head off!  Maybe they're all actually immortal and after I pass their squashed little bodies on the side of the road they rise up again!  It'd certainly explain why there are so many of the little buggers.

So if you see a possum wandering around with a Scottish accent and a ruddy great sword, stay out of it's way.  After all, there can be only one.

The Vegemite Experiment...

Hello, my lovelies!  Two days have now passed since I suggested to you all that we embark on a journey of intellectual discovery ... otherwise known as me sending Vegemite to unsuspecting people from overseas so we can all enjoy their reactions!

Well, everyone needs a hobby.

I've gone through the names of those of you who expressed an interest in joining in, and after a very official selection process which involved a sheet of paper, a sharpie, a pair of safety scissors and a hat, I'm happy to announce that the following bloggers are the lucky guinea pigs ... I mean winners!

Sporkgasm
Just Keepin It Real, Folks!
NellieVaughn

Well, we'll see if they still see themselves as winners after they've tasted it.

Now, as a veteran Vegemite diner, I should probably give you three a few tips on the best way to eat Vegemite.  I tend to eat it either on toast with margarine, or fresh bread without margarine.  You'll want to spread it evenly, but not too thick.  That's a rookie mistake.  You can, if you insist, eat it on crackers, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Hopefully you'll all share your experience with us (after all, that's the point of all this), and if you want to include photos or even a video, none of us will protest!

Okay then, if the three of you would be so kind as to send me your postal addresses to delightfullyludicrous@gmail.com, I'll get this Vegemite sent off to you!

Thank you, you brave souls!  We all appreciate the sacrifice you're making.

Happy little vegemite...

For those of you who haven't realised it yet, I should probably tell you that I'm Australian.  That's right, I'm a proud, dinky di Aussie.  I've played a didgeridoo (badly), sat on the steps of the Opera House, and I can understand Crocodile Dundee without the subtitles.

By the way, do you have any idea how hilarious we found it that they needed to put subtitles on the movie Crocodile Dundee?  His accent wasn't THAT thick!  Did you guys really need it?

But the truth is there really isn't that much of a difference between an Aussie and any other Western culture.  In fact, we're pretty much a mixture of American and British.  The one thing we have, though, that is uniquely ours is our food.

Not all of it of course, but there are a few things that define us.  Lamingtons, Tim Tams, Chiko Roll, Pavlova, they're all uniquely Australian.  But the one thing that's always defined us is, of course, Vegemite.

In case you don't know, Vegemite is a sandwich spread that's made from a yeast extract.  It's black, tar like, and incredibly salty.  I remember watching a video once where an American fellow described it as tasting like salt and pain.  A little melodramatic, certainly, but I can see where he was coming from.  It really is very salty.

We're usually given our first taste of Vegemite as soon as we're old enough to eat a piece of toast.  It's a bit of a rite of passage.  Because of this, we usually can't remember a time when we DIDN'T eat Vegemite, so there's no memory of the first time or of learning to love it.

I'm not sure how many of you have ever tried Vegemite, but let me just say ... it's an acquired taste.  I acknowledge that.  I've seen enough youtube videos of people from overseas trying it to realise that unless you were raised on it, you're probably not going to like it.  But personally, I have a hard time understanding how someone COULDN'T like it!

All through my childhood I had Vegemite sandwiches packed in my lunch.  Even now, as an adult, I eat Vegemite toast for breakfast more often than not.  I know a lot of things people overseas believe Australians do are just stereotypes, but take my word for it, eating Vegemite is something that we definitely do.  In fact, given its salt content, some might say we eat it too much.

But the reason I'm bringing it up is that I've decided to try a little experiment.  I'd like to see if Vegemite is really as offensive to people from overseas as I've always been led to believe.  In order to find out, I've decided to send some to three lucky readers (to be selected randomly from the comments to this post) so that they can try it for themselves and report back to us all on how they found it.

So if you'd like to join me in this highly scientific endeavour, leave a comment saying so.  I'll randomly select three lucky individuals and, after contacting you to get your postal address, I'll send you some Vegemite.  I'll be taking the names two days after posting and leave messages for those who  are chosen.

Then we'll see whether Vegemite is something only an Australian can love.

Bursting the bubble of the koala myth...

Sure he looks cute,
but don't be fooled.

As an Australian, I'm used to the fact that our animals are ... shall we say unusual.  Kangaroos, wombats, platypus, we've got our fair share of freaky critters down under.  And don't even get me started on the spiders and snakes!

But there's one animal that I've noticed that overseas tourists all seem obsessed about, and I don't understand it at all.  Why, may I ask, is everyone so worked up about the koala?

I don't think I've met a single person who was visiting from overseas who didn't want to hold a koala.  There's a whole tourist industry based around it, where for an overpriced fee said tourist can go, have a koala shoved unceremoniously into their arms, and get their picture taken.  Seriously, people actually pay to hold one of those vicious little monsters!

... and he shows his true nature.

Everyone seems to think they're cute, fuzzy little teddy-bear like creatures that they can cuddle.  I'm sure most of them idly daydream about sneaking one into their luggage and taking it home with them thinking it'd make an awesome pet.  Kind of like one of those god awful little dogs ... but that's a rant for a different post.  But they couldn't be further from the truth.

The fact is, koalas are not nice animals.  Seriously, I've met more amiable rottweilers.  They scratch, they growl, they bite.  They stink to high heavens, something you don't realise until some underpaid koala sanctuary worker is apathetically shoving one into your waiting arms.  And the noises they make, you can't really imagine them until you've heard them.

Still don't believe me?  Think that they're sweet little things that couldn't possibly be as awful and vicious as I'm painting them to be.  Well watch this youtube video of some tourists who thought it would be a good idea to get close to a couple of wild koalas on a road.  Lets just say the koalas disabused them of that notion pretty quickly.

Just consider it a public service announcement.

You're welcome.