There's a secret war raging every day, right under our noses, and most of us have no idea it even exists. In every workplace you'll find signs of it, indications that there are secret battle plans afoot. The workmate at the next desk who "borrows" your favourite pen but never seems to return it. The photocopier that seems to always mysteriously run out of paper just as you're printing that huge report that your manager asked you to get to him in five minutes. The in-tray that miraculously never seems to empty, no matter how many hours you put into paperwork.
Yes, it's cubicle warfare.
If you've ever had the pleasure (insert sarcasm here) of working in a cubicle farm, you'll understand what I'm talking about. Every inch of desk space is hard fought and won. Every novelty stapler and letter opener secretly coveted. Every poster hung from fuzzy orange divider board defended with zealous enthusiasm.
It's dog eat dog in the office, ladies and gentlemen, and you need to be prepared to fight if you want to survive this one.
So, to assist you all, I've compiled a list of essentials for engaging the enemy in guerrilla cubicle warfare.
Da Vinci's Wood Catapult Kit
Nothing says warfare like a piece of artillery that dates back to the Ancient Romans. The person on the other side of the divider is making too much noise while you're trying to balance a spreadsheet and you don't want to stand up to tell them to shut up? Just set this baby to work! They'll stop their yapping quick smart when they get a face full of M&M's!
Sure, it's no trebuchet, but beggars can't be choosers.
Bullet Proof Body Armour Clipboard
You never know when a fellow workmate is going to strike. Maybe they don't appreciate your penchant for novelty paperweights. Maybe they hate the way you click your pen repeatedly when you're thinking. Maybe they can't stand it when you hum Air Supply under your breath when you're reading reports.
Whatever it is, you need to be able to defend yourself, and this bullet proof clipboard, made from body armour, is perfect for this.
USB Rocket Launcher
As those of us who work in a cubicle know, power points are usually worth their weight in gold in an office. There's never enough of them to service all the different legitimate pieces of office equipment, let alone your tools of war.
So that's why this USB powered rocket launcher is genius! No need to take up valuable power real estate, just plug it into your computer USB and start shooting at that annoying cubicle neighbour who won't stop stealing your stapler.
Mini Remote Control Forklift
It happens to all of us. One day you look up from your computer screen and realise that over time, your cubicle neighbours have encroached on your territory. First it's a pile of papers, then it's a hole punch, then a couple of folder.
Next thing you know, the boundaries have been redrawn using in-tray towers. And we all know that an in-tray tower is the official cubicle boundary line marker!
But fear not! With this handy mini remote controlled forklift, you can just move those trespassing office supplies back to where they belong ... on top of your neighbour's keyboard.
I know the war is long and hard (that's what she said!), but if we fight to the last man we will be victorious. So soldier, you just keep your head down, don't be a hero, and hopefully we'll all get out of this battle alive!