A transcript of a genuine conversation between myself and another library employee. Yep, this is the sort of things we’re talking about when we say we’re going out back to see if we can find your book. Who says literature can’t be fun!
Me: Good morrow! How art thou!
Her: Really? Shakespeare? You’re really going to do this?
Her: So you’re committed to this?
Me: Verily much!
Her: Heh … is it just me, or does that sound like a girl in a boarding school story? Verily Much and the Fifth Years!
Me: Verily Much Wins The Trick!
Her: Verily Much Has a Jolly Gay Time
Me: Verily Much and the Naught Prefect
Her: … you know, those sound kind of suggestive.
Me: Of course they’re suggestive! Didn’t you ever read those stories when you were a kid? They’re full of innuendo and substituting food for sex. Those boarding school story writers were incredibly repressed.
Her: That explains so much! Like why they always seemed to have a verbal orgasm over whatever was being served for lunch!
Me: If you think that’s kinky, just think about how many of the stories had two teachers that were “Close, intimate friends”.
Her: … oh wow, I never even noticed, but you’re totally right!
Me: Like I said, repressed! Think about it, most of the women who wrote those stories were spinsters. I’d imagine they knew very little about naughty stuff and rumpty pumpty, so they substituted lashing of tuck and midnight feasts and a seriously disturbing obsesson with hockey and cricket for sex in their stories.
Her: You seem to know an awful lot about this.
Me: Are you kidding? I could write a thesis on it!
Her: Is it wrong that this has made me want to pull out my old boarding school stories and reread them looking for the naughty bits in disguise?
Me: I’d be disappointed if you didn’t!
And the moral of this story, children? Those of us who work in libraries can spin almost anything to make it a bit rude … even classic children’s books.