Another friend happened to be with us, a guy, and he was horrified. Not by the fact that I'd apparently broken the cardinal rule of how to answer the "Does my but look big" question ... but by the fact that I didn't get my head ripped off for my troubles.
It took us a while to explain the reason to him, which I'm now going to explain to you. You see, the reason I could get away with being so grossly insulting, and I'm aware of the sexism involved in this, is because I'm a girl.
Yep, if asked, girls can tell other girls that their butts look big. This only works though if you're asked, not if you just volunteer the information out of thin air. I know, it's completely unfair, but there you go. I see so many poor guys out there being verbally eviscerated by their wives/girlfriends, when all it would take is a pre-prepared answer and a bit of quick thinking to save their hides.
But in an effort to help the gentlemen out there avoid the pitfalls of this veritable verbal minefield, I've decided to grace you all with "Kellie's Guide to Answering The Tough Questions". (Disclaimer: This guide in no way guarantees that you will be able to answer the tough questions. In fact, in all likelihood all you'll do is just get yourself in deeper trouble.)
Does my bum look big in this?
Gentlemen, the answer to this should be an immediate and resounding no! If she wanted the truth, she would ask a female friend. If she's asking you, she wants reassurance that you still find her as sylph like as you ever did.
I don't care if it looks like she rammed a Christmas turkey into a condom, you tell her that she looks all sorts of lovely and let it go at that!
Do you notice anything new?
This is always a hard one. It could be a new hair cut, it could be new shoes, it could be she had the kitchen lino replaced. Really, it's a crap shoot.
My best suggestion for this is to say "I thought there was something different, but I wasn't sure. Whatever it is, you look great!" It allows her to feel like you complimented her, while also inviting her to answer the question for you. Again, it's a gamble, but it's the best chance you're going to get.
What are you thinking?
A lot of guys I know have told me that this one always annoys the shit out of them. Why on earth do we want to know what they're thinking? Well, to be completely honest, what she's really asking is are you thinking of HER.
If you don't want to answer honestly (and seriously, if you answer is something like "your sister in a bikini" then you DON'T want to answer honestly), try something simple but cute. My recommendation would be "I was thinking about where I want to take you next time we both have a day off. What do you think of a picnic?"
And yes, then you do have to take her on a picnic. Suck it up, cupcake.
But there is one question, ladies and gentlemen, that one can never answer correctly. No matter what you say, responding to "So, have you stopped beating your partner" will never make you look good.