An open letter to my neighbours...

Dear douchebags,

I’ve always been one to follow the tenets of love thy neighbour and live and let live, but I’m seriously considering indulging in some vigilante justice right now.

I’ve always been pleased to live in this neighbourhood.  I picked it specifically for the number of trees it has despite the fact that it’s only five minutes from the city centre.  It’s a beautiful, green oasis and I love the fact that I can look out the window and see so much greenery around me.  I love the way the trees are so tall that they loom over my house, and they look so much like they’re straight out of an Enid Blyton story that a tribe of frick’n pixies might be living in their roots.  I’m always ecstatic if I’m home on the day they lose their leaves for the winter, so I can sit out on the back veranda for that magical hour as they swirl around in the air, dancing on the breeze. 

Those trees have been there for a very long time, much longer than either you or I have been alive.  They’re gorgeous things, so tall and gnarled and they provide the perfect privacy cover for both myself and the people who live over the back fence.  So, while I understand you were probably upset about them shading your vegetable patch or dropping leaves on your lawn or something equally inane, this in no way gave you the right to SNEAK INTO MY BACKYARD AND RING BARK SAID TREES JUST BECAUSE MY LANDLADY REFUSED TO HAVE THEM CUT DOWN!!!

I don’t know which of you is the perpetrator, although I have my suspicions.  There’s no way of working it out given that you snuck into the backyard in the middle of the night to do it like the cowards that you are, so I’m having to write this as an open letter. 

Yes, I know she received a couple of requests from various people, and I also know that after talking to both myself and the family who live in the other duplex she decided not to do it.  She offered to have the branches pruned that were affecting people, but whoever you are, Mr or Ms Midnight Tree Murderer, that obviously wasn’t enough for you.  You were so enraged by the fact that she didn’t do what you asked that you crept into my backyard, tied a wire around the trees, and essentially ended their lives.  They won’t die right away, but from this point on they’re living on borrowed time.  I’m sure your thought was that my landlady would find out, be outraged but unable to prove anything, and be forced to call someone out to have it removed.  But it will take a while for the trees to die, perhaps even up to a year.  Those trees are staying right where they are up until there’s no other option. 

You may have got what you wanted, but you’re going to have to wait for it!  We’re not giving in a second before we have to.

Yours angrily

Kellie.

P.S. To those neighbours who had nothing to do with the ring barking, please disregard the above.  I love you all from the bottom of my heart and will forever be grateful for your preferences for going to bed early rather than throwing rowdy parties that last until 3am ... although some of you could stand to work on your parking skills.