Wherein the soapbox gets a workout...

I do love me a good protest.  There's nothing more amusing than watching someone who seriously, seriously into their chosen issue try to convince a bunch of apathetic passers by that what they're protesting is of the utmost importance.  Usually they're ignored by the passers by, sometimes humoured and a petition gets signed in an attempt to get them to stop harping on, and occasionally there's laughing and pointing involved. Honestly, I could watch them for hours!

Unless it's an issue I feel very strongly about, I generally deal with them by crossing the road, not making eye contact, or on one occasion when the fellow was particularly persistent, pretending I don't speak English.  I generally try to avoid open mocking (except where it's clearly necessary), after all we all have our little quirks and beliefs that other people find baffling.  Personally, I feel very strongly about scrap booking, although I try to keep my vitriol to myself.

But when I saw the new campaign by PETA, those kooky animal loving kids, I was more than a little disturbed by the direction they chose to go.  In it they have a poster of a woman who has apparently shoved a yeti wig down her lacy underwear, with a slogan cutely declaring "Fur Trim:  Unattractive".

Here's the link to the poster, but open it with caution.  I wouldn't say it's NSFW, but it probably skirts the boarder if your boss is an asshole.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the point where I get out my soapbox and start preaching.

It's ridiculous, and more than a little disturbing, that there is this current trend for men to prefer women without any "grass on the wicket".  For whatever reason, the lads in our lives have been convinced that they should want women who look like they're about twelve years old, rather than those who look like they might actually be old enough to be sexually active!

But for any group to use this ridiculous social phobia in a way that actually compares it with something they consider base and wrong is inexcusable!  It's not helping, it's just reaffirming the notion that women shouldn't look like they've entered puberty.

Bad form, PETA, bad form.

And now I'll put away the soapbox before someone trips over it.

Kellie's house of feminine ill repute...

Ladies, the time has finally come.  The time for us to stand up and DEMAND equality with our masculine counterparts.  No one's going to give it to us, girls, we have to take it for ourselves.

Men get strip clubs, brothels, gentlemen's clubs, but what do we get?  Hmm?

The Chippendales, that's what!

It's a poor substitute for what we really need, isn't it.  So, in the interests of fair play, I've decided to open up my own "Ladies Club", providing the sort of companionship that we really want.

Why don't you take a look at the escorts available and see if any of them strike your fancy?

First we have Matthew.  Matthew is kind, considerate, and will always notice when you have a new hairstyle or are wearing a new outfit.  His favourite thing is to go shopping, not to buy things for himself but to carry bags for someone else.  His response to "Does this make me look fat?" will always be an instant and unequivocal no, and he would never dream of saying that a someone owned too many pairs of shoes. 

Next up is Dan.  Dan likes to talk about his feelings, sometimes for hours.  He loves to lie there, spooning, while trying to find just the right words to explain just how much he cares.  He's an expert in playing footsie, and has an advanced degree in snuggling. 

Then we have John.  If you're a sucker for spontaneous displays of romance, then John's the one for you.  He specialises in having flowers delivered for no particular reason, sneaking love notes into carefully prepared lunches, and planning spur of the moment weekend getaways.  His spontaneous serenades are world renown.   

And finally, we have Rick.  Being the strong, silent type, Rick will stare lovingly into your eyes for hours, communing with your soul.  He's one for actions over words, so his devotion and dedication will be shown through the medium of classy handmade furniture and carefully prepared gourmet meals.  He's a man of few words, but he could write an essay with his eyebrows. 

Any of these fellows could be all yours for the evening, ladies, for a modest fee.  Just come on in to Kellie's House Of Femininte Ill Repute, where we give you what you REALLY want. 

Yep, this is what I'm going to do.  I'm pretty sure I'll make a fortune!

An old fashioned gent...

So yesterday we discussed what all good wives should know to maintain a happy marriage, which I think we can all agree was a roaring success.  I'm sure marriages everywhere are just a little more secure right now thanks to the efforts of Ms Ebbutt.

But today it's the turn of husbands everywhere to ponder the pearls of wisdom from "Don'ts for Husbands".  Like it's companion, this little volume strives to give a detailed list of "what not to do" for the man of the house!

Lets take a look at a few of them.

Don't be irritated now by the childish ways in your wife that amused you so much in your fiancee.  She will grow out of them soon enough.

Now guys, you know we girls are are just so immature and flighty.  There's no point getting upset about it.  When we do something silly and childish, just shake your heads in amused frustration and brush it off with "Oh, you dear, foolish little thing.  Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty".  After all, nothing distracts us so well as something bright and shiny.

Do not object to a servant on the score of her looks.  Your wife will take care not to engage a pretty maid if she suspects you of undue interest in her appearance.

Another valuable piece of advice!  If you want your wife to hire that saucy bit of crumpet, whatever you do make sure you don't tell her you think the girl's cute.  Your extramarital affair opportunities will be nonexistant if you don't learn how to use reverse psychology.

Don't say your wife wastes time in reading, even if she reads only fiction.  Help her to choose good fiction, and let her forget her little worries for an hour occasionally in reading of the lives of others.

Oh those silly little women, frittering away their spare time by reading *gasp* novels!  I know it can be galling to have to allow it, but just remember to subtly censor what they read.  After all, it's for their own good.  Women can't be allowed to choose their own reading material, heaven only knows what they'd end up selecting!

Don't pet your wife when her little finger aches until she imagines herself a martyr to ill health, when there is really nothing the matter with her.  Don't encourage her to be hysterical.  You need not be unkind, but you can firmly refuse to pity her.

So dramatic, these women.  Always assuming they're dying or some such nonsense.  Surely they should be able to soldier through that attack of meningitis and still have your dinner on the table when you get home!  Just because they took themselves to their bed with pneumonia, is that any excuse for not having the carpet vacuumed?  No, you want to nip that in the but right away!

Well, gentlemen, that should be enough to show you how to keep your marriages on track!  Just make sure to patronise your wives, make sure your cheating is discreet, control what she reads and show absolutely no sympathy when she's ill.  It's guaranteed, or your money back!

Women, know your place...

Today's entry is aimed at all you happily (or not so happily) married women out there.  I know it can be hard to maintain a healthy, caring relationship in this wicked world, but thankfully Ms Blanche Ebbutt has written a delightful little tome entitled "Don'ts for Wives" to help guide you.

Of course, the fact that it was written in 1913 may date some of it, but just because the advice is almost a hundred years old doesn't mean that it isn't just as valid and useful today as it was back then!  I'm sure that together we can draw something helpful from it.

Lets look at some of that advice in more detail.

Don't moralise by way of winning back the love that seems to be waning.  Make yourself extra charming and arrange delicious dinners which include all your husband's favourite dishes.

Absolutely!  We all know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... well, to be completely accurate the way to a man's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs ... and I believe what Ms Ebbutt is trying to tell us is that the easiest way to make your husband love you again is to stuff him so full of food that he's ready to bust at the seams.  Okay, so maybe it won't make him love you again, but at least he'll be so full that he won't be inclined to run off with that blonde gym instructor.

Don't hesitate to plan out large expenditures with your husband.  Usually a woman is very good at small economics, but often a man has a better grip of essentials in spending large amounts.

Well this one is a given.  Ladies, for heaven sake don't spend any more than a fiver unless you check with your hubby first!  After all, we can't be worrying our pretty little heads about things like high finances, now can we.  Thankfully none of us need to deal with confusing things like numbers on a regular basis ... well, except for those of us who work in finance (like me!!!).  Or who have mortgages.  Or who are sole income households.  But lets be honest, how often is that going to happen!  We'll just let the men take care of things like that and focus on sitting around and looking pretty.

Don't permit yourself to forget for a single instant that nothing is more annoying to a tired man than the sight of a half-finished laundry work.  The remotest hint in your home of a 'washing day' is like a red rag to a bull.

Oh yes, heaven forfend that there should be any evidence of household drudgery when the man of the house gets home!  The laundry should be washed, ironed and put away where it belongs before he returns from work.  You didn't have time to get it all done?  Well, you should have gotten up earlier then!  After all, you don't want to find out what's being hinted at by that "red rag to a bull" comment.

Don't omit to pay your husband an occasional compliment.  If he looks nice when he comes in dressed for the opera, tell him so.  If he has been successful with his chickens, or his garden, or his photography, compliment him on his results.

Many a household could have remained harmonious if only the wife had complimented her husband on his chickens.  And men can never hear too much about how good they look in their new opera cloak.

So there you are, girls.  It's easier to keep a happy marriage than you realised.  Just make sure you feed him, pander to him, slave over him and butter him up!  It'll work, Ms Ebbutt guarantees it!

And don't think you're getting off without your turn, guys.  Tune in tomorrow to find out what Ms Ebbutt recommends gentlemen do to keep a happy home in "Don'ts for Husbands"!

Does this post make my bum look big...

The other day a friend asked me if a skirt she was wearing made her bum look big.  Yeah, I know what the guys in the audience are thinking.  Trick question!  But no, it wasn't.  She asked, and I told her that yes, it did make her bum look big.  Then I told her that the A-line skirt would be a better choice with the blouse she was wearing if she was trying to avoid that.  She agreed with  me and decided to change into the other skirt.

Another friend happened to be with us, a guy, and he was horrified.  Not by the fact that I'd apparently broken the cardinal rule of how to answer the "Does my but look big" question ... but by the fact that I didn't get my head ripped off for my troubles.

It took us a while to explain the reason to him, which I'm now going to explain to you.  You see, the reason I could get away with being so grossly insulting, and I'm aware of the sexism involved in this, is because I'm a girl.

Yep, if asked, girls can tell other girls that their butts look big.  This only works though if you're asked, not if you just volunteer the information out of thin air.  I know, it's completely unfair, but there you go.  I see so many poor guys out there being verbally eviscerated by their wives/girlfriends, when all it would take is a pre-prepared answer and a bit of quick thinking to save their hides.

But in an effort to help the gentlemen out there avoid the pitfalls of this veritable verbal minefield, I've decided to grace you all with "Kellie's Guide to Answering The Tough Questions".  (Disclaimer:  This guide in no way guarantees that you will be able to answer the tough questions.  In fact, in all likelihood all you'll do is just get yourself in deeper trouble.)

Does my bum look big in this?

Gentlemen, the answer to this should be an immediate and resounding no!  If she wanted the truth, she would ask a female friend.  If she's asking you, she wants reassurance that you still find her as sylph like as you ever did.  

I don't care if it looks like she rammed a Christmas turkey into a condom, you tell her that she looks all sorts of lovely and let it go at that!

Do you notice anything new?

This is always a hard one.  It could be a new hair cut, it could be new shoes, it could be she had the kitchen lino replaced.  Really, it's a crap shoot.  

My best suggestion for this is to say "I thought there was something different, but I wasn't sure.  Whatever it is, you look great!"  It allows her to feel like you complimented her, while also inviting her to answer the question for you.  Again, it's a gamble, but it's the best chance you're going to get.

What are you thinking?

A lot of guys I know have told me that this one always annoys the shit out of them.  Why on earth do we want to know what they're thinking?  Well, to be completely honest, what she's really asking is are you thinking of HER.

If you don't want to answer honestly (and seriously, if you answer is something like "your sister in a bikini" then you DON'T want to answer honestly), try something simple but cute.  My recommendation would be "I was thinking about where I want to take you next time we both have a day off.  What do you think of a picnic?"

And yes, then you do have to take her on a picnic.  Suck it up, cupcake.

But there is one question, ladies and gentlemen, that one can never answer correctly.  No matter what you say, responding to "So, have you stopped beating your partner" will never make you look good.