Despite the fact that I have a XX chromosome, I'm not really one for shoes. I know, I may as well hand in my ovaries and relinquish my title of "Modern Woman". Apparently it's a crime against nature to be female and not like shoes, at least that's the impression I've been given any time I've mentioned it to anyone.
I've stood strong on my bare feet, though. I'm a proud, card carrying member of the Dirty Soul Society, and I'll continue to exert my right to feel the grass between my toes whenever I damn well please.
However, even those of us who aren't lured in by ridiculously expensive and exquisitely uncomfortable footwear have to occasionally go out in public, and going out with bare feet tends to be frowned upon in our society. I'm not sure why, if anything I'd say it should be a mark of honour! If you can go outside, walk around on rocks, hot bitumen, bindi-eye, and other abandoned obstacles, then I think that's something to be admired!
But, alas, it's not, and my friends have started to refuse to go to brunch with me unless I'm wearing shoes, so occasionally I have to abandon my principles (and my comfort) and buy new shoes.
My first plan was to go to the nearest department store and buy the first semi-respectable pair of sandals I could find. But it all seemed a bit too much like work. I'd have to get ready, go out in the car, drive all the way to the department store, find the shoes, try the shoes on, line up to pay for them, frown at the girl on the check-out when she takes ten minutes to ring up the guy in front of me who's buying a chocolate bar, and then come home again. I was exhausted just considering it!
Then I realised I was missing the obvious answer. Was I an internet junkie or not! Online shopping!
So after a quick prayer to Our Lord Google, I discovered that the brand of shoes I wanted to buy had an online shop! Excellent, I could buy a pair from the comfort of my own couch! Bah, you shoe fascists, you might be able to make me go shoe shopping, but you can't make me leave my house to do it!
The site seemed easy to navigate, and had oodles and oodles of choices. No doubt, even more choices than I'd have in the department store. Take that, shoe fascists! But on closer inspection I realised that the sizes were all in the American scale.
There was a handy little guide though, explaining how to work out what your shoe size should be. The diagram explained that you needed to measure from the tip of your big toe to the back of your heel, and then around the widest part of the ball of your foot. Okay, that didn't look too hard.
Ten minutes later I'd tripped over twice, flicked the tape measure up and hit myself in the face, and given myself a cramp in my calf. Oh joy, this was totally making me want to buy shoes.
Eventually I got the measurements though, and through what I can only assume was a combination of advanced mathematics and black magic, they told me what my size was. I was ready to go!
But there was one little thing I hadn't taken into consideration ... I'm a notorious spontaneous online shopper. The plan was to pick a pair. One pair. But as I scrolled down the options, I found myself adding more and more of them to my shopping basket.
Even after culling the choices, I still ended up buying eight pairs of shoes. Eight pairs of shoes! I've NEVER owned that many pairs of shoes at the same time! I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to put them all! I'll need to buy shoe racks. That's what people who own shoes have, isn't it?
I'm so ashamed. I'm sure I'll be drummed out of the Dirty Soul Society as soon as they find out.