Men get strip clubs, brothels, gentlemen's clubs, but what do we get? Hmm?
The Chippendales, that's what!
It's a poor substitute for what we really need, isn't it. So, in the interests of fair play, I've decided to open up my own "Ladies Club", providing the sort of companionship that we really want.
Why don't you take a look at the escorts available and see if any of them strike your fancy?
First we have Matthew. Matthew is kind, considerate, and will always notice when you have a new hairstyle or are wearing a new outfit. His favourite thing is to go shopping, not to buy things for himself but to carry bags for someone else. His response to "Does this make me look fat?" will always be an instant and unequivocal no, and he would never dream of saying that a someone owned too many pairs of shoes.
Next up is Dan. Dan likes to talk about his feelings, sometimes for hours. He loves to lie there, spooning, while trying to find just the right words to explain just how much he cares. He's an expert in playing footsie, and has an advanced degree in snuggling.
Then we have John. If you're a sucker for spontaneous displays of romance, then John's the one for you. He specialises in having flowers delivered for no particular reason, sneaking love notes into carefully prepared lunches, and planning spur of the moment weekend getaways. His spontaneous serenades are world renown.
And finally, we have Rick. Being the strong, silent type, Rick will stare lovingly into your eyes for hours, communing with your soul. He's one for actions over words, so his devotion and dedication will be shown through the medium of classy handmade furniture and carefully prepared gourmet meals. He's a man of few words, but he could write an essay with his eyebrows.
Any of these fellows could be all yours for the evening, ladies, for a modest fee. Just come on in to Kellie's House Of Femininte Ill Repute, where we give you what you REALLY want.
Yep, this is what I'm going to do. I'm pretty sure I'll make a fortune!
These guys really exist? REALLY? Have you been into the cooking sherry again? *wink*
ReplyDelete(fun post)
S
They must exist somewhere, and it will be my job to find them. Why, looking for work ;)
DeleteAll lovely ideas. I think your biggest challenge is finding the men to actually work for you. As good as your man choices are, I'd like to add one. For the lady who has too much to do, a man who will do laundry, and do it properly, while also actually fixing all of the broken things in the house in a timely fashion. But the key is, he does it all without the need of a honey-do list. He just knows what the lady wants done and does it. Can I dial up one of those?
ReplyDeleteOoh good thinking! As soon as I find him, I'll add him to the books!
DeleteI think we need to add Clive to the line up. He can be the attractive, handyman who does house calls. He does basic DIY projects around your house in a nice pair of jeans while never judging you for not being able to take care of it yourself. It can also help with overcrowding at your establishment which I'm sure will be packed.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an excellent addition! I'm sure he'll be very popular!
DeleteYes, I'll take a Clive with a side of Neville.
ReplyDeleteYou know Neville...he just loves to rub your poor, tired feet for hours and doesn't even drool on them. Nor does he borrow your favourite lingerie AND he delivers chocolates at the crucial time when they are most needed.
No need to choose, why not have both!
DeleteRick! I'd definitely like a Rick! ;)
ReplyDeleteI can see already that this is going to be a very successful enterprise!
DeleteHow about Jack? He loves to play with the kids, while you take a bath or have a drink alone. He loves to have your kids help him make dinner and always cleans up after himself. He knows when you are having a rough day and he loves to take them to the park, and has a way with the crazy mom's who go alone and bitch and moan about everything parenting?
ReplyDeleteI love all of these. Kellie you are a genius! (Along with the other gals)
I love how everyone is coming up with profiles! I feel like I should start making brochures!
DeleteI think I'd need a different one each night to meet my diverse needs.
ReplyDeleteAnd with Kellie's House of Feminine Ill Repute, you can do just that!
DeleteI'll take John.
ReplyDeleteI'll have him gift wrapped and delivered :D
DeleteOr the joke - 'What if rappers rapped about things like "Girl, I'm going to take your clothes off.... and hang them neatly in the closet, yeaah" '
ReplyDeleteI could use a guy like that :>)
I'm gonna hit that all night long ... because I love playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with you.
DeleteIt's fun to play at the Y M C A!
ReplyDeleteAh,I see what you did there ;D
DeleteDo you have any that like to watch football and drink beer?
ReplyDeleteThey'll do whatever is necessary ... and I mean whatever.
Delete*eyebrow waggle*
These guys you're hiring to perform these services, are these minimum wage jobs? Are you offering healthcare benefits? I want to know before I send you my resume.
ReplyDeleteI haven't ironed out the finer details, but I'm imagining some sort of contract arrangement.
Deletei think it's interesting how many of us womens are wanting a man to provide practical services for us. if there was only a guy who would cook his own food and fix the computer when it breaks, i'd sign up for some time with him. if he gave a great full body massage without trying to get down and dirty halfway through, or even at the end, that would truly be a happy ending for me!
ReplyDeleteSee, that's the sort of thing were trying to cater for! This is the sort of thing we really want!
DeleteHahaha I think you're on to something with this.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a neglected market.
DeleteOh my oh me, could we please throw Ryan Reynolds in the mix??!! ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't see why not. He works for commission, right?
DeleteVery cleaver Kellie! All sound so great. Combine Matthew and Rick and you have my sweet husband man! Ya, I know, I'm spoiled. I am lucky / blessed / fortunate.
ReplyDeleteI re-read my comment and felt it sounded boastful. Please know I was married for 10yrs to a ick of a guy = divorced. Married 3 years later to a guy similar to Rick yet he died of cancer after one and a half years. (didn't have cancer when we married). Widow for nine years before meeting and marrying my current wonderful guy. That's why I said I was fortunate. Have a great evening/day.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you lucked out with your guy :)
DeleteBrilliant! Can we open up a branch in the United States, though??
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, there's a much bigger market there.
DeleteDo you know that you never described, even a little, (aside from noting that they have a body to spoon, hands to carry things, eyes that stare and expressive eyebrows), what these men actually look like? I like it :) I wonder what Kelly the Guy would have written on his list..
ReplyDeleteLol my favourite part of this may have been that Matt has never dreamed of saying anyone had too many pairs of shoes :)
ReplyDeleteI agree! :D
DeleteCan you also hire Dan? Dan is a 6'3" professional swimmer who enjoys cuddling, cooking, watching Gilmore Girls, things lady-farts are "cute," poops potpourri, and can't get enough of "paying attention."
ReplyDeleteNo ... Dan is for my own personal use.
DeletePut me down for Matthew, he doesn't talk too much!
ReplyDelete(I thought I had already followed your blog, but I checked and I wasn't! Am NOW! )
~Dorothy~ :-)
Welcome :D.
DeleteI'll pencil you in for Matthew.
You've got hubby and I in stitches here! My hubby is a lot like Rick. I do have to give a "honey do list", but I don't mind. :) I think you're on to something that's needed!!!
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend!
Sounds like you lucked out with your husband ... say, he wouldn't be interested in a little freelance work, would he? We always have room for more "service providers" here at Kellie's House of Feminine Ill Repute.
DeleteThis is an excellent list...maybe throw in a Pierre to have the exotic foreign accent, with a man who loves to cook and knows a glass of wine and some fine chocolate can solve many ills after a hard day.
ReplyDeleteOoh, and maybe one with a Scottish accent! I'm a sucker for a Scottish accent.
DeleteLOL! Love it. I volunteer to be an escort. I am kind, considerate and fairly good looking :)
ReplyDeleteIf it is all right with you, I will have a turn with each and let you know!
ReplyDelete