Monday, October 22, 2012

It's only eccentric if you're rich enough...

I'm not bad off financially speaking, but no one is ever going to accuse me of being rich.  I make enough to pay my rent, my bills, and still have a little left over for shits and giggles, but I'm never going to make Forbes Billionaire List.  I've come to accept that about myself, I'm not someone who strives for more money.  It's just not part of my psychological make up.

But that doesn't stop me from daydreaming about it from time to time.

One thing I have worked out is that, should the ridiculously unlikely happen and I became rich, I'd have to become an eccentric ... well, more eccentric than I already am.  From what I can tell it's a prerequisite for people with that much money.  Look at Michael Jackson, Richard Branson, Howard Hughes, they all have two things in common.  One, they all have more money than god, and two, they're all madder than a box of cats.

I mean, take the Chief Executive of Abercrombie & Fitch, it seems he's taken the whole "eccentric rich guy" lesson to heart.  Apparently he makes all the male flight crew on his private jet wear a specially selected uniform, even going to far as to specify what sort of underwear they should wear and what colour gloves depending on whether they're fiddling with the silver or setting the table.

It got me to thinking though, if I had that sort of money, and a private jet full of cute guys to do my bidding, what would I be tempted to make them do just for my own amusement.

And of course, from there it was a short jump to me writing up a list, just in case.  You've got to be prepared, you never know when you're going to win the lotto or have a ridiculously rich long lost relative pop their clogs and leave you a small fortune.

So, here are the "Rules For Flight Crew On Kellie's Super Luxurious Jet".
  1. All crew members will address Kellie as My Lady at all times.  Other honorifics, such as Majesty, Eminence or "That stuck up bitch" will not be allowed. 
  2. All crew members will arrive at work wearing the approved uniform.  This uniform consists of a wife beater, a pair of lederhosen, a tulle tutu, a pair of fairy wings, and sensible shoes. 
  3. Should a member of the crew need to speak directly to Kellie, they will do so only in the form of haiku.  Sonnets will be accepted if necessary, but under no circumstances will limericks be allowed. 
  4. Crew members are not to make direct eye contact with Kellie, but are encouraged to give her a hug whenever they'd like. 
  5. Should the wifi become unavailable during the course of the flight, all crew members will be expected to entertain Kellie until it is available again.  Entertainment may take the form of stories, songs, or re-enactments of famous Napoleonic battles.  Please ensure you have all necessary props and costumes prior to take off. 
  6. Kellie should only be served water that has been collected from the dew on a Tibetan mountain top by blind monks who've taken a vow of silence.  Yes, she WILL notice if you just crack open an Evian.
  7. If Kellie decides to sleep during the flight, no fewer than two crew members must remain in attendance, humming her a lullaby and playing with her hair.
  8. All crew members are reminded that, while it isn't mandatory, participation in the strip Monopoly game is strongly recommended.

Yep, that should do for now.  I can add to them later, once I really am rich and have a plane full of hot guys to boss around, just like our friend from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Hmm, maybe I should start on a list for my house staff too ... just to be safe.

45 comments:

  1. More people should encourage the use of haiku. Bless you! If I wasn't such a hypocrite, I would have figured out how to make a haiku from this comment.

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    1. All would be happy
      if they would just realise
      how awesome I am!

      Yep, I definitely misssed out on the humble gene :D

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  2. This is good. I'm not hoping you do get rich and quickly. You getting rich will absolutely help my struggling Blind Monk Tibetan Dew-of-the-Mountain Certainly Not to be Confused with Mountain Dew the Disgusting Soda This is Bottled Water business. Maybe it's the name. Gotta work on a more concise name.

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    1. Ugh, definitely not to be confused with Mountain Dew! Any of my cabin crew bring me that stuff, and I'll have them horse whipped ... unless they're into that sort of thing, in which case I WON'T have the horse whipped!

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  3. I admire your spirit of whimsey but I question some of your choices. I don't see chocolate anywhere.

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    1. I know, I thought long and hard about it, but chocolate is such a deep and personal thing, i thought it was better left out of the manual.

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  4. hahaha. I'm already an eccentric and tend to act like I'm richer than I am. I do not, however, ask that anyone call me $tarrdog. I have to draw the line somewhere.

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    1. I like to act like I'm rich too, but it usually leads to friends and family members telling me to stop putting on airs and graces and do the dishes already.

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  5. You mean it's wrong to tell your staff what colour skivvies to wear? I owe a lot of people an apology!
    PS. It freaks me out that you posted this on Monday, Oct 22 becuz it's still Sunday here in Toronto. So I am already on TOMORROW!

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    1. I know! I'd love to tell you what happens in the future, but I'm not allowed to. Consequences ... I'm sure you understand.

      But you might want to brush up on your Zombie Apocalypse ettiquete, just say'n.

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  6. This is so true. I always tell people "insanity is a luxury"

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    1. LOL! And one that I abuse on a very regular basis :D

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  7. Love this! We need to get you some money for a private jet and crew!!

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    1. Absolutely! Perhaps I should start up a collection? The "Buy Kellie A Private Jet So She Can Have A Cute All Male Crew To Boss Around" fund!

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  8. getting rich invovles selfishness, a lilltle bit of it is ok but excessive is sinful and unethical

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    1. From what I've seen of rich people, I think it's equal parts selfishness, guts, and sheer dumb luck.

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  9. Your post - chuckle - Have a great MOnday and may there be some colourful parrots around your place too!

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  10. I'm glad you've taken care of the in-flight entertainment in case of a wi-fi outage. Though, I think it should be included at all times. I'm sure it'd pull more people to your business. I'd definitely pay a bit more for battle reenactments at 30,000 ft.

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    1. We'd lose out on some seating when we install the stage at the front of the plane, but I think it'll pay for itself in the long run.

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  11. Wow! I've never thought about it, but it's an interesting premise. I think I'd tell the pilot to move over so I could sit in his seat and play with the wheel and all the buttons. And I'd go back now and then and check on my harem. :)

    S

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    1. I wouldn't bother asking the pilot to move over. I think sitting on his lap would be just fine :D

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  12. I think I'd add that sock garters are grounds for immediate firing......or walking the plank.

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    1. Ooh, good point. Those and parachute pants. Anyone who wears parachute pants within a 200 metre radius of my plane will be summarily shot!

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  13. My crew would be required to read various pieces of literature and scientific journals then distill their learning to me in interesting conversations that I can later have with others to appear well read. It would be travel and learning all in one.
    Of course they would be required to do this whilst also feeding me delicate morsels and cocktails.

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    1. While fanning you with palm leaves and wearing loin cloths?

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  14. I think I would go for the French Napoleonic army uniforms as standard instead of the wifebeater-tutu combo. But this seems like an excellent plan all around.

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    1. It's a tough call, Napoleonic army ... wifebeater tutu ... maybe I should have just gone with the boxer briefs.

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  15. I can absolutely relate to this, care of my millionaire brother-in-law. The guy doesn't shower, looks like morbidly obese Jesus (long hair and beard that he doesn't groom), doesn't even know how to feed himself, and speaks like Michael Jackson (high pitched voice, won't make eye contact) because he's socially incompetent.

    We'd probably say he's a weirdo, right? But he's got 7 figures in the bank, so that just makes him "eccentric." Makes perfect sense.

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    1. I guess money can cover a multitude of sins. Ugly becomes interesting looking, sociopathic becomes determined, and bat shit crazy becomes eccentric.

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  16. I'm bringing up the strip Monopoly concept with Joe tonight....

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  17. You should also have a secret word that only the staff knows about. And when it is uttered by you, each staff member must remove an item of clothing... Much like Pee Wee's playhouse... But sexier. ;0)

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Ooh, I like the way you think!

      But come on, we all know Pee Wee's Playhouse was sexy as all get out ... or was that just me ...

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  18. Hi lovely! I nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award! Yay!

    http://www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com/2012/10/sisterhood-of-world-bloggers-award.html


    All of the information is here ^^. Congrats and talk to you soon!

    -Sarah

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  19. Will be forwarding you my resume STAT...want to beat the crowd in applying for a spot on your house staff. (Would have applied for the jet flight crew but it seems I've misplaced my lederhosen...)

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    1. I've narrowed the house staff uniform down to a choice between panda suits or full Hawaiian print outfits (including lai's).

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  20. When I'm bajillionaire, I'm going to hire you to make all my rules. I like the way you think.

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    1. I'm totally on board! I'm bossy, and a little bit insane, both excellent traits to have in a personal rule maker!

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  21. Haha! I like rule number 2. Wifebeater and tutu combination is pure genius! I think I should go forth and consider my own demands. I'm thinking old reruns of the Bold and Beautiful, French champagne, brie and chocolate coated strawberries are fairly basic requirements.

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    1. They're essentials, even! But don't forget to specify that the crew should give you back rubs while you're watching B&B and eating your chocolate coated strawberries. Details are important.

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  22. Ugh! No offence in the slightest intended to you Kellie, or to your 'Rules For Fl...', but it would drive me crazy (hey wait, is that the idea here?..) to have At Least two crew members around me All The Time, Humming and Never giving me a Straight answer when All I Want To Know is, 'do we have any peanuts?', and then be left alone to read a book! I would be politely asking, (through kindly-twisted grimaces and gritted teeth), said crew members to please take their tutus and lederhosen, and their losing streak in Monopoly outside the plane!

    Haah! (Calming exhalation.) I suppose that is the truly wonderful thing about daydreams - each to their own :)

    I would like to add however, that most of my family tree are decidedly not wealthy and yet host abundant examples of eccentricity. I'm just sayin'

    After all, if my mother had been rich, would she had been so excited to read that seaweed was a nutritious food, and taken us all off to the beach when I was a youngster to collect some for dinner? "Choose the pieces that look like they will be tasty!" she smilingly directed, and I remember that I did :) When none of us were willing to finish our bowls, even after the seaweed had been well-rinsed and cooked up in a large black pot on the stove, my mother emptied it all into the bath and enjoyed a good soak - having also read that seaweed is good for the skin...

    Perhaps the real question is: Would you rather be rich and ordinary or poor and eccentric? I wonder what Branson would choose? :)

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    1. Must just be me. I love having people around, provided they're obeying my every whim. It's when they develop a bit of free will that I feel the need for some breathing room.

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    2. I'm sure I'd like having you around Kellie :) It's people without free will that I'd find draining! lol!

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