I know it's traditional at this time of year to come up with a list of New Years Resolutions, things you want to accomplish in the coming twelve months. Goddess knows I've written enough of them myself over the years, most of which have never made it out of week one, so this year I've decided to do things a little differently. Rather than write resolutions for myself, I'm going to write them for other people.
This should suit me to a tee. I get to combine my love of coming up with resolutions I have no plan to follow through on with my love of telling other people what to do. It's win-win!
So here's what I think should be at the top of these resolution lists.
Kristen Stewart: It might be a good idea to try to not 'have relations' with your director again this year. In fact, lets just widen that net to anyone you're not actually in a relationship with, okay?
Lance Armstrong: Might be time to take up professional wrestling? I hear they don't mind the drugs so much.
Kevin Clash aka Elmo: Just because you play a monster child on TV, that doesn't make it okay to date in that demographic. How about sticking to the half your age plus seven rule, huh?
Hulk Hogan: Don't sleep with anyone else's wife. Or if you absolutely must, try to refrain from taping it. That shit always ends up on TMZ.
Lindsay Lohan: Umm ... lets see ... you know what? How about we just go with remembering to turn up to work, huh? Small steps, Lindsay, small steps.
Happy New Year, everyone! Lets hope that 2013 is as awesome as we can possibly make it!