I know it's traditional at this time of year to come up with a list of New Years Resolutions, things you want to accomplish in the coming twelve months. Goddess knows I've written enough of them myself over the years, most of which have never made it out of week one, so this year I've decided to do things a little differently. Rather than write resolutions for myself, I'm going to write them for other people.
This should suit me to a tee. I get to combine my love of coming up with resolutions I have no plan to follow through on with my love of telling other people what to do. It's win-win!
So here's what I think should be at the top of these resolution lists.
Kristen Stewart: It might be a good idea to try to not 'have relations' with your director again this year. In fact, lets just widen that net to anyone you're not actually in a relationship with, okay?
Lance Armstrong: Might be time to take up professional wrestling? I hear they don't mind the drugs so much.
Kevin Clash aka Elmo: Just because you play a monster child on TV, that doesn't make it okay to date in that demographic. How about sticking to the half your age plus seven rule, huh?
Hulk Hogan: Don't sleep with anyone else's wife. Or if you absolutely must, try to refrain from taping it. That shit always ends up on TMZ.
Lindsay Lohan: Umm ... lets see ... you know what? How about we just go with remembering to turn up to work, huh? Small steps, Lindsay, small steps.
Happy New Year, everyone! Lets hope that 2013 is as awesome as we can possibly make it!
ROFLMAO on the list. Depends on the wrestling group for Lance. WWE will suspend you and potentially fire you but the independents may not care. I'm not sure you could come up with enough resolutions for Lindsey. She just may need to take the year off. KStew should do her best to make us forget her early work cause in half of them she looks like a boy and the other half are just bad. And I just don't know what to say about poor Elmo. He will have to consult Pee Wee Herman on how to bounce back after being a beloved kid's character who gets busted doing something very naughty.
ReplyDeletePoor Lindsay, I think she should let someone else make her decisions for her this year. She certainly seems incapable of making good ones for herself.
DeleteAlso for Lindsay, maybe just not drive automobiles anymore... She's famous. She should have people that do that for her right?
ReplyDeleteAlso, M. Night Shamamaman should Stop. Being. Allowed. To. Make. Any. More. Movies... EVER.
And Hollywood should stop remaking good movies into shitty ones and come up with some of their own "new" ideas.
Hugs!
Valerie
Why do they think they can make a better "Arthur" or "An Affair to Remember"? They CAN'T!!
DeleteSeriously! Like they really need to remake Carrie again?!? These stories have been told, man. Move on, Hollywood!! Rat bastards...
DeletePerhaps Lindsay's resolution should be to not be a total train wreck. That should cover everything.
DeleteWhew! I was afraid you were gonna stick me with something. ;)
ReplyDeleteS
I'm sure I could come up with something if you're feeling left out ;D
DeleteThis made me laugh out loud! Such a good idea!
ReplyDeleteLindsay Lohan should just go to prison. And stay there.
Also, I vote for the Kardashians to just go away and become famous only in their own minds.
Happy New Year!
Oh god, don't get me started on the Kardashians! I'm still not entirely sure how they became famous, but I think we need to work it out so we can make sure it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN!
DeleteBrilliant idea!
ReplyDeleteIt was certainly a lot more fun that coming up with them for myself!
DeleteHe he, I like the idea of making resolutions for other people. I still make 'em for myself, but this is a much more entertaining thing to do :).
ReplyDeleteOh absolutely! Lets be honest, famous people do seem to make some appalling life choices.
DeleteLove the ones for Lindsay and Kristen! Good idea!
ReplyDeleteThey certainly seem to need someone to make them for them.
DeletePoor Lance Armstrong: I don't think he'd do very well on the wrestling circuit. He doesn't have the balls for it.
ReplyDeleteTrue. They'd probably snap him in half like a Kit-Kat.
DeleteI'm going to go out on a limb and say the only person likely to follow your advice is Hulk Hogan, and even then, probably only half of that resolution (you decide which). Resolution for all politicians: avoid massive sex scandals...probably won't happen, but we can try, right?
ReplyDeleteEh, I'm inclined to let the polys have their sex scandals. It's got to be a god awful boring life for them without it.
DeleteHa!!! smiling... Happy New Year, Slu
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you too, Slu!
DeleteLol!!! Too funny! Making resolutions for other people is way more entertaining :) Charlie Sheen was a relatively good boy this year or else he could have been included in your list!
ReplyDeleteTrue, I don't think we heard anything from him. No weird stories about modelesque sister-wives or strange declarations of importance. Perhaps they finally got his meds right?
DeleteHappy New Year Kellie, and here's looking forward to many more of your clever and entertaining posts.
ReplyDeleteR.
Happy New Year to you too, Rose! Have a good one tonight!
DeleteHi there, you blog with a person who does not love the person who did everything for her. This person stopped speaking with her mother when she was 25 yrs and she advised her mother tha she did not like her any more because she was not given a horse. Then at 27 her mother & father divorced. Her father told her a story about her mother having an affair (after 32 yrs of marriaged to a spoilt man) but failed to tell the 27 year old about the mental affair he had with his current partner. The blogger now has 2 children and totally denies her mother contact with them. The blogger refuses to understand that fault lay with both parents & yet she rallies to the father. I just wonder what you may think about a blogger with whom you blog who does this to the best mother she could have had (this being a statement of dismay who have witnessed her mother during many year of motherhood to the said blogger). Please tell me what you think as a person deserves the right to grand parentage. I would appreciate you thoughts. Regards Carmel
ReplyDeleteWell, that's certainly cryptic. I couldn't possibly make any sort of judgement given that I have absolutely no idea of the details, so I'll have to refrain I'm afraid.
DeleteHello Kellie, Thank you for your honesty. I feel you are very mature in providing this reply. I could apply the words you use 'I couldn' possibly make any sort of judgement' to my daughter's actions and would only wish that she could apply such a strategy to the situation she and I are in. This would be especially pleasant if only for the sake of her 2 children, who call the woman with their grandfather 'Nana'. Most people in this type of situation simply refer to the 'unrelated' partner by their name and the children (in this day & age) accept the relationship on face value. Thank you, regards Carmel
DeleteThis is hilarious. Poor Lindsay....poor poor her
ReplyDeleteShe's definitely had her problems. I'm thinking she needs to find Scientology or something.
DeleteGod, it's bad when that's your "better" option, isn't it.
OMGosh love the pic hilarious! Of course that's my kind of treadmill workout! Great posting Wishing you a Happy and Safe New Years!
ReplyDeleteKellie! great resolutions for THEM!!! very fun post! I am glad you like the vintage dress. I had to include it and so glad you and others have liked it too.
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say, I'm bossy and judgemental, a perfect combination for coming up with resolutions for other people :D
DeleteI would add that Kristen Stewart try to have a personality. She seems tO be lacking one.
ReplyDeleteAnd Lindsay should work on not looking older than me. I'm 38 and I don't look as haggard as she does. I remember when she was pretty.
I left the personality off the list because this is a time for resolutions, not miracles. Poor girl, it's really not her fault she's got the personality of a box of Wheaties.
DeleteLovely list! I really do wish Lindsey would just be incarcerated already. For more than 20 days or whatever it was. She needs to stay put somewhere safe and drug free for a good year to clean up a bit.
ReplyDeleteWhat she needs is for someone to give her a good smack and tell her to wake up to herself! I mean there's dependency on drugs and alcohol, and then there's what she does.
DeleteHAHA! You're sooo hilarious!!! That's some great advice for all these celebs. I don't know what any of them are thinking! Hopefully they will all read your post and take your advice to heart :) lol. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Ashley
LOL! Wouldn't that be hilarious if they read it and actually did what I told them! Alas, I don't think my reach is that far. I doubt any famous people are reading here.
DeleteSomething tells me that Lohan is a bit beyond redemption at this point. Her best bet is just to disappear into obscurity...
ReplyDeleteI think she needs to find Scientology or Kabbalah or something like that. They might be weird, but you don't hear about their followers going on binges and getting arrested for DUI every five minutes.
DeleteThese sound like sage words of advice for your chosen celebs. They should hire you as a lifestyle advisor.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally available for that! My fee is $500 a day, and for that modest sum I'll be happy to boss any celebrity around for the good of their soul. Hell, they don't even have to be a celebrity as long as they're willing to pay! I'll boss normal people around for that amount too!
DeleteHappy new year! What should my resolution be???
ReplyDeleteSarah xxx
Ooh, you're the only person to actually want me to tell them what to do! Lets see ...
DeleteYour resolution should be to eat more icecream! No real reason, I just think everyone could benefit from eating more icecream.
Well done! Now, if only you could make resoutions for my cats, then it would be a perfect year!
ReplyDeleteHave a great new year!
A resolution for your cats? Lets see, how about they should spent more time sleeping in sunrays? Should only knock over half as many things from high up places as before? Should work on their butt-wiggle for when they're about to pounce?
DeleteGood resolves for them Kellie. I don't know know what Lindsay, except stop listening to herself, or her parents for that matter, LOL!
ReplyDelete