"Gareth Williams, the MI6 worker found naked and dead inside a padlocked bag in the bath at his London apartment in 2010 probably did it to himself, Scotland Yard has found."
Oh sure, that's what those intelligence agencies always say, right? He shot himself in the head. She poisoned herself and then threw herself off the balcony of a twenty story building. He tied himself to the wall of an industrial building and attached twenty thousand volt electrical cables to his own nipples.
I'm not falling for that old chestnut, secret service people!
But then the story got a bit weirder ... if that's even possible.
"His landlord testified that she once found him handcuffed to his bed, embarrassed and asking for help."
Huh, okay, so that's definitely a bit suspicious. But still, it's totally possible that they paid off the landlady! Slipped her a quick fifty to get her to agree to it?
"Meantime, forensic experts reportedly found about $32,000 worth of luxury women's clothing, shoes and wigs in his apartment."
Ahh ... well yeah, that's quite the expensive kink ... but still doesn't mean he locked himself into a gym bag in his own bathtub. I'm going to need more evidence than that to believe you, Scotland Yard!
"Williams was also found to have been visiting bondage and sadomasochism websites, including several related to claustrophilia - a desire for confinement in enclosed spaces."
Oh come on, this is all circumstantial evidence! Just because he had a kink, a very specific kink granted, that doesn't mean he did it to himself! I mean, how would you even get to that point!
"He was discovered in the fetal position inside the red holdall, with two keys to the padlock also inside the bag."
Okay, okay, I'll concede, against my better judgement. It's entirely possible that they're telling the truth.
Today's life lesson is brought to you by the good people at MI6, showing us why you should always have a designated person to get rid of your browser history and clean up any "questionable items" in the event of your death.