It's almost time, folks! The Apocalypse is only hours away, so it's time for us to start getting our plan ready. What plan, you ask?
Well, if you've been visiting me for a while you may recall a post I made back in September where I came up with a game plan for the Mayan Apocalypse. Go on and read it, we'll all wait.
All done? Good.
So, are we all agreed? From this point on, we all act like the Apocalypse happened. The next generation are never going to know it's all a pack of thinly veiled lies, provided we all stick to the game plan. So in preparation for this, I think it would be a good idea if we all prepared a little.
Come up with your stories before hand, or at least some bullet points you can refer to, so you're ready when sceptical youngsters start to question you about what really happened. Remember, there's no such thing as too outlandish. You survived the freaking Apocalypse! If you want to say you single handedly mowed down fifteen zombies with a hot wired SUV, you go right ahead.
Purposely hurting yourself just for the sake of having battle scars is a bit extreme, but by all means come up with some explanations for the ones you already have. I've got a scar on the back of my ankle, the result of an unfortunate leg-shaving incident, which I'll be telling people came from a run in with a dismembered zombie who clung to my leg with one hand while dragging his severed lower body with the other. It's a beautiful image, isn't it.
It probably wouldn't hurt if you started perfecting your PTSD responses now. Practice your haunted, tortured look in the mirror to get just the right amount of angst showing in your eyes. Try out expressions like "I tried to get to her, tried to get her out, but I just wasn't fast enough" and "At night I can still hear the screaming". If that doesn't work for you, just go with something like "Sarah? I knew a Sarah once ... back before..." then sigh deeply. You can't go wrong with the classics.
Okay then, I think we're ready!
By the way, don't forget to go enter my Silly Season Giveaway for an e-copy of Xanthe Walter's new novel "Ricochet"!
What a great plan! I'll be so glad to have an exciting explanation for that scar on my leg instead of the boring truth that I fell off my bike when I was ten.
ReplyDeleteMight I recommend "Injured while leaping out of the way of falling debris caused by the rampaging giant lizard monsters".
DeleteI'm going to re-read World War Z in preparation! I'm not too good at lying, so what I'm gonna have to do is convince myself that it really happened, too. Won't be hard...I'm completely crazy :)
ReplyDeleteGood idea! If you start now by the time the next generation are starting to ask questions you'll be completely convinced it all really happened.
DeleteI think I will develop a tic, with an exaggerated shoulder spasm. That'll stop any questions from those whippersnappers.
ReplyDeleteGood thought. Personally, I'm going to go for that vacant, haunted look. I think I can pull it off.
DeleteI may look like an old lady, but I'm only 26--that damn nuclear fallout!! Now, if I can only get my grandkids to back me up...
ReplyDeleteLOL! Just start introducing them as your brother/sisters, they'll catch on quickly enough. If not, you can always hold the Xmas presents to ransom ;P
DeleteI guess I can explain that chicken pox scar on my forehead as a form of zombie torture, like a nail to the head, because I wouldn't submit to their bizarre sex acts.
ReplyDeleteOh god, now I'm trying to work out what a bizarre zombie sex act would involve. Brain bleach, anyone?
DeleteLez do it!!!
ReplyDeleteExcellent, good to hear you're on board!
DeleteHmmm... I guess Im a bit behind... I'll start coming up with my story now!
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, the more fanciful the better! We're creating future folk lore here!
DeleteKellie! have a merry Christmas,k? If we are still around, that is. :D
ReplyDeleteAssuming the rampaging hordes of zombies haven't torn you limb from limb, I hope you have a great holiday too!!!
DeleteKellie, do you know which is my mosy treasured memory from the Mayan Apocalypse? That time you and I battled no less than fifteen (but no more than 20) zombies outside of 7-11 while we were trying to stock up on our end of the world slushie fix. I loooooooved how you lopped of heads of the un-dead with your machete. You're a master! :)
ReplyDeleteHow was that? Are we in agreement? No one EVER has to know that we don't even live on the same continent! :D
Merry Christmas, if we ARE so lucky... ;)
Ah, I remember that night. You took out seven of them with a nine iron ... you always did have impeccable golfing form. And then we grabbed the supplies and ploughed through the rest of them, laughing merrily.
DeleteAh, the good old days...
Not to ruin the fun, but the Mayans didn't include Leap Year on their calendar like we do so their end of the world happened long ago. We were all too busy blogging to notice.
ReplyDeleteYou mean I'm going to have to pay my Visa bill for all that stuff I bought on my shopping spree last week?
DeleteLOL! Good thing logic has no part in my plan then, isn't it ;P
Deletestephen's right!
ReplyDeletehey ho
True, but I've decided to follow the masses and blithely ignore anything even remotely factual.
DeleteI plan on just reciting back episodes of the Walking Dead as if they really happened but replace Daryl with me.
ReplyDeleteSeems legit.
Deletetoo funny... we'll see!!! maybe. ha!!! take care, slu
ReplyDeleteCome on, you know you want to join us! All the cool kids are doing it!
DeleteI guess it really is the end of the world as we know it... so much fun to think that now we can just make it up as we go along!!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! I've always wanted to be a hero, and now I can without having to do all that hard work and sacrificing and shit!
DeleteWell your blog still appears to be up so I'm guessing the grid hasn't failed and wiped out all data. Shucks. I guess that means I have to keep playing nice with Sallie Mae.
ReplyDeleteOh no, the apocalypse happened, it just turned out that it has surprisingly good wifi access.
DeleteWell that's even better. Now maybe the Mayans can tell us where they disappeared to that led any credence at all to us flying off into space, vanishing or any of the other crazy stories I heard.
DeleteI do have scars from a car accident, but I think that they deserve a new, exciting story as their cover. Yes, I did help save the planet today. Fought werewolves like a boss.
ReplyDeleteI remember, I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly you could take down a werewolf single handed, with only a rusty machete.
DeleteAh, those were the days...
Funny posting I just told my oldest grandson that this is like the 5th maybe 6th apocalypse I have survived so after this year his dads and uncles are going to be responsible for the entire Christmas Feast! These 5-6 qualifies me to retire! I do believe this was the first of such a Mayan magnitude tho. I say celebrate! Since I only rented that wood chipper for the weekend, I must return it now, but stopping by to wish you and your family a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Safe New Year!
ReplyDeleteI think that's reasonable. There should definitely be an upper limit on the number of apocalypse one should have to live through.
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