Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Oh Saint Clare, watch over my TiVo...

Considering I'm not even a Christian, let alone a Catholic, you guys might find my choice of material today strange, but the way I see it, everyone should have the protection of a patron saint.  They're more than just religious figures, they're doing their part to continue the great tradition of superstition and paranoia we've worked so hard a species to build!

The important thing, though, is picking the right saint to align yourself with.  And being the awesome person I am, I've decided to help you all out by suggesting a few of the lesser known saints you might find yourself drawn to!  Why settle for St Anthony or St Jude, when you could have one of the following!


St Clare:  Patron Saint of Television

For anyone who lives and dies by their TV guide, you might want to invest in a statue of St Clare, the patron saint of television.  Hell, get two of 'em and having duelling St Clares on either side of your wide screen!

Can't find the rerun of The Love Boat you're looking for?  Want to know when the next Doctor Who episode is going to air?  Living in fear of your favourite show being cancelled before the two main characters finally kiss?  Just appeal to your St Clare (or duelling St Clares) for a little divine intervention.  It can't hurt!



St Isidore:  Patron Saint of The Internet

Now here's a saint that should be near and dear to all of our hearts.  Good old Isidore, the patron saint of the internet!  How else are you supposed to get a 200 kpbs download rate from your torrents without his help?

So why not print off his picture and stick it to your computer monitor?  With him looking down on you, you'll never go wrong!  Guaranteed protection against viruses, malware and those annoying pop-up ads that you can never get rid of.

Disclaimer:  This is no guarantee that a picture of St Idisore taped to your computer will prevent viruses, malware or pop-up ads.  Get real, dudes, it's just a photo of a dead guy.


St Fiacre:  Patron Saint of STD Sufferers

So there's a patron saint  you should be offering a prayer up to every time you have a one night stand.  Who knew!  Apparently St Fiacre was quite the healer back in the day, and he did such a good job healing all the "unfortunate" diseases that they made him the patron saint of it.

Sorry, Fiacre, that really sucks.  No one wants to be known as the Patron Saint of chlamydia.

So here's an idea, why not pop his picture in your wallet, right next to your emergency condom?  Of course, it's entirely possible any disease prevention will have more to do with the condom than the picture, but why quibble over details.


St Drogo:  Patron Saint of The Ugly

Being the stunning example of humanity that I am, I of course have no need for this particular Saint's assistance, but I wouldn't want to prevent my less aestetically pleasing readers to be disadvantaged.

Yeah ... that's totally why ...

Poor St Drogo, he apparently wasn't the most attractive of individuals, thanks to a disease that disformed him.  So why not stick a picture of him to your mirror to comfort you on those days when bad hair, bad skin, or just general bad looks are plaguing you!  He might not be able to help, but at least you can look at him and be thankful that you're not THAT bad off.  And he's also the patron saint of coffee so bonus!


So these are just a few of lesser known, but no less important, Saints out there!  Consider your options, weigh the pros and cons, then pick your teams, kids!  It's only your eternal soul riding on your decision, so no pressure or anything.

By the way, don't forget to go enter my Silly Season Giveaway for an e-copy of Xanthe Walter's new novel "Ricochet"!

31 comments:

  1. I knew about St. Clare's patronage of TVs but not about the rest of these Saints -- thanks for the valuable info, LOL! I have a tiny glow-in-the-dark statuette of St. Clare by my TV. She's shocked -- SHOCKED -- by all the sex and violence she must watch while performing her duties.

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    1. I really want to know where you got a glow in the dark patron saint of tv statue.

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    2. LOL! Poor St Clare statues all over the world are being traumatised by having to watch things like Californication ... or worse, The Kardsashians!

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  2. Did not know any of these, but then I only go to church every now and then to visit with my neighbors and listen to the music. The incense and candles I can do at home. Also, I'm not into human sacrific or thought control or .... the list goes on and on.

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    1. Oh those kooky Catholics, and they say we Pagans are weird!

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  3. I read this whole post waiting for you to be all "Just kidding!" These are real?! HILARIOUS.

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  4. Wow, that was enlightening. Maybe I would have decided to be Catholic if I knew there was a patron saint of the internet. That must be why my wi-fi crapped out this morning. It wished to punish my dirty Protestant self.

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  5. St. Fiacre must have my back. Or front to be more accurate. I used to be really slutty and I've never had an STD. I'd cross myself but I'd probably be struck by lightening as punishment for doing so.

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    1. Absolutely! I've got pictures of St Clare and St Isidore in my purse.

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  7. I thought you were kidding! I definitely need the first two!

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  8. Is there a patron saint of suddenly not having gray hair? I need her to visit.

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  9. I'll drink to Saint Luke, the patron saint of beer brewers.

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  10. Thanks for the eye opener for this wayward Catholic.

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    1. LOL! We're just borrowing them, I promise we'll return them good as new ;P

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  11. I just googled them up.. They are real aren't they?!??

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  12. I was in St. Isidore until your disclaimer. What good is a saint if he can't mystically prevent malware? I'll just pray to Stuxnet instead. Right now I need St. Christopher, patron saint of travelers.

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    1. Good old St Christopher. I've loved him ever since I watched that old kids BBC show The Children of Greene Knowe. Nothing like being a kid and watching a huge statue of St Christopher wade across a river.

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  13. I bet the patron saint of uglies and the herpes one hang out all the time in heaven. Because neither one can complain about the other, right?!

    See what I did there?

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Well at least the uglies can get plastic surgery. But the herpes ... that shit's forever!

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  14. Give me the Saint of Gaming. I could use his blessing.

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