Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The sort of funeral I could DEFINITELY get behind...

I remember when I was studying archaeology at university, they told us that one of the signs of a civilised culture was care taken with the dead.  Apparently the more knick knacks you give someone who's popped their clogs, the more refined you are.

But I'm pretty sure that my Professor wasn't referring to the Taiwanese practice of having strippers at the grave side when he was extolling the virtues of those who pay extra attention to their funerary rites.

Yep, you heard me right, strippers.  Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up ... and why would I want to when it's all right there for the pickings!

Apparently it isn't unheard of for family members of the deceased to hire an "exotic dancer" to dance for him.  That's right, not for the mourners ... for the dead guy.  I suppose it's fair enough, he's had a bad time of it.  First he died, then some bloke took all his blood out and replaced it with chemicals, then they stuck him in a really uncomfortable suit that he probably tried really hard to avoid wearing when he was alive, and finally they shoved him into a little wooden box ... and you can't tell me they didn't bend his feet up if it turned out he was a touch too tall for it!

He probably needs a bit of a pick-me-up after a day like that.  That dude earned his post-mortem sexy dancing ladies.

But it did get me to thinking about what I'd like at my funeral, should time, finances and availability allow.  Really, its something we all should think about, no point leaving it to our relatives who would probably get it all wrong anyway.  So after much deliberation I've decided to leave a list of instructions to be followed in the event that I shuffle off this mortal coil.

  • I'd like my funeral to be fancy dress.  Just general costumes if necessary, but if time allows, then it should be themed.  My preference is for one of the following:  
            • Harry Potter
            • Tarts and Vicars
            • Roman Toga
            • Come as your favourite dead person (I'll be very offended if you don't all come dressed as me)
  • There will be no bible readings or other religious speeches at my funeral.  Instead, I'd like my entire life narrated via the medium of interpretive dance.
  • There definitely needs to be a lucky door prize.  I'm thinking a toaster, or maybe a set of luxury towels.  At least that way someone walks out of there happier than when they walked in because hey ... free towels!
  • In honour of the Taiwanese custom that gave me this idea, of course I also want strippers.  In fact, if you could convince Matt Bomer to attend and do some of those things he did in Magic Mike ... well, then I think we'll ALL leave happier than when we arrived.
  • And, as shown in the picture above, I'd like my casket carried to my resting place by clowns.  No particular reason, it just looks really cool.  Come on, look at that picture and tell me that you wouldn't want that too!
So that's the bare bones of it, I'll leave it up to the rest of you to sort out the little details if and when they're needed.  But I'll just add one last instruction.  If it ends up being an open casket, could someone please monitor the viewers?  Not all of my associates are entirely scrupulous and I'd hate to go to my eternal rest with a drawn on moustache or no eyebrows. 

Ta muchly!

60 comments:

  1. What a lark that would be! But I still wish you a long, long life even though it means you'll outlive me and I won't be able to attend your FUNeral.

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    1. You can still come! It'll just have to be as a ghost. Ghosts will definitely be welcome at my funeral, I'm in no way lifeist!

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  2. I hate clowns. No bozos at my funeral. And no clowns either.

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    1. Ooh, if I didn't let clowns come to mine, then half of my family and about three quarters of my friends would have to stay away.

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  3. My mother's city (New Orleans) is a place where funerals are celebrations. There is even a local fund for people whose families cannot afford the parade and band (I think you can't be a felon, though).

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  4. This made me laugh very hard. I would like to volunteer to act out your life via interpretive dance, granted I'm still alive and you haven't already attended my "dress as your favorite sci-fi transportation vehicle" funeral. I'm hoping you'll be there as a broomstick or Tardis. I am betting there will be a ton of USS Enterprises and Millenium Falcons.

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  5. I like your style girl. A few years ago I typed up my life celebration wishes so my family members would not have to guess what I want when I depart this earth. I even have a whole list of my very favorite songs to be played at the grand PAR-TAY!!! What a celebration it will be!!!

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  6. Excellent! I think that making a grand entrance to one's funeral would be good, too--give the attendees a strong final impression. Maybe have the open casket emerge upright from the floor to open up the event, with a laser show, fog machine, and some sort of classic wrestling theme or techno music blasting--made even better by having a dramatic costume.

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    1. I have a friend who said he wanted to be suspended from the ceiling by wires and swung over the crowd while "Celebrate" played on the speakers.

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  7. Hahaha I read this to all of my coworkers and we were all cracking up. This is so funny!

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    1. LOL! I can't imagine what my workmates would say if I asked them what weird things they'd want at their funerals. They already think I'm insane as it is!

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  8. You are so so funny! "popped their clogs" ????? I had never heard that expression!!

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  9. Believe it or not, I have a clown suit in my closet and you can count on me to be one of your pallbearers. I might trip in my big clown feet and drop you a few times, but I doubt you'll notice.

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    1. Excellent! Now we just need to find five more people who are willing to wear oversized shoes and red noses!

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  10. Music? How could you forget to mention the music? A party is just not a party without the music...

    And I don't mean the extended version of Amazing Grace, taps or any of the other overused tunes of doom and gllom... No, no I am talking about some serious party music.

    Do you want the cops to show up? It's not a party unless the cops show up. At least once is a good sign, twice or more- EPIC!

    Now I need to think of my own departing send off. Sounds like a great time.

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    1. doom and gloom. Spellcheck is my friend I swear.

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    2. Of course, how negligent of me! If my funeral doesn't end with at least half a dozen arrests then I'll be very disappointed. Dead, and disappointed.

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  11. My word, you crack me up. Just when I thought I had your funeral all pictured, you threw in the clowns. Ha! You should beat your co-workers to the punch and have instructions as to what costume you are to wear at the viewing. I'm sure you can come up with something clever.

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    1. Or maybe I should just let them draw on me! I could be like one of those teddy bears people get for their graduations!

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  12. Right on! That's awesome!! I'm thinking like masquerade or something. :)

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    1. Good choice! You could have them all unmask at the graveside!

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  13. oooh I lurv the Roman Togas idea, but I'd probably order no undies dress code with it :)

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    1. That's fair enough. The Roman's never wore y fronts!

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  14. Now this is a new perspective! A costumed funeral. My grandmother would have loved it, because she loved to dress up for nearly any occasion; but she hated funerals because she loved to wear red. And back then everyone was expected to dress in black for a funeral.
    So she would have shown up with a red dress and shoes for your services. :)
    Funny stuff.

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    1. I expect all colours of the rainbow to be worn at my funeral! Your grandmother would have fit right in!

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  15. That's definitely thinking outside the box, pardon the pun. And why not? I personally wouldn't mind some hot dancing girls at my funeral. (NOTE: If there are any lap dances involved and you see any signs of life in me....ANY....don't plant me yet. OK?)

    S

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    1. Maybe that's why they have them at the Taiwanese funerals! Kind of a new age version of the bell tied to the wrist?

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  16. My Mum has been to a funeral where they performed an interpretive dance of the deceased's life. Seriously, I'm not kidding. And for some reason the dancers were dressed as owls. And they recited poetry about her too.
    Personally I believe all funerals should provide a heap of good food and booze. I want everyone to drink a toast to me. I have a lot of friends they should all be extremely drunk by the end which would make the later speeches funny.

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    1. I think everything is improved by interpretive dance, but my dancers would be dressed as the Roadrunner from the cartoons!

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  17. Make them leave their magic markers at the door.

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    1. LOL! I should hire security to frisk everyone. Well, except the strippers. They won't have anywhere to hide markers.

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  18. I wouldn't want strippers at my funeral. I'm not around to enjoy it. If they were all super-fat and hairy dudes, those strippers I'd approve of. If everyone went dressed as you, that would be the best funeral. It would be hilarious. Although, I might request people treat my corpse like a drunk person passed out at a party. It would be hilarious to be buried with a penis drawn on my cheek.

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    1. I'm nice like that. Even if I can't enjoy the strippers, I want my nearest and dearest to be able to.

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  19. I promised my girlfriend that on her gravesite I'd plant a ton of catnip all over it. Then all the cats from all over the place will come and people will think my girlfriend was some kind of cat god while she was alive.

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    1. That is an awesome idea! You could spread the word around the neighbourhood that she could talk to cats, and that they're honouring their fallen Queen.

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    1. I'm just not sure whether I'd want my corpse dressed as a slutty nun or a Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Decisions decisions...

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  21. open casket is an open invitation for all the mooners to show their disrespects... amongst other things! :P lol

    thx for dropping over, btw... slowly building up my friendlies list, after google killed off my previous blog, taking with it some 3 GIGABYTES of my writings/collectibles w/o bothering to ask if i wanted to save any... of COURSE i did!

    why would i bother to WRITE/POST the damn things, otherwise? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

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  22. Is it weird I just added "hire strippers" to my list of funeral to-do's??

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Absolutely not! In fact, I'm frankly astounded it wasn't on your list already!

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  23. Regardless of whether or not we meet in person, can I be invited to your funeral?

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    1. Absolutely! In fact, I'm considering having it streamed on Youtube, that way everyone will be able to attend!

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  24. Your posts always make me snort in a very unladylike manner!
    The planned funeral sounds awesome, I wouldn't miss it for the world. :)

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    1. Snorting, good heavens! Whatever would Lady Bothomwaite say!

      Nah, you snort as much as you like! Snort on!

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  25. Omg.. You and my sister with clowns at your funerals.. What the hell? First of all, clowns are creepy. My sister wants to be dressed as one in her casket and wants everyone tossing Skittles into the coffin as they walk by.. Creepy and weirdo. Now.. Strippers.. Males.. Think Magic Mike.. I could go for that but I'd much rather have them while I'm alive and can truly appreciate and enjoy their deliciousness! ;)

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    1. Okay, that's just wrong. Skittles? No, if you're going to go with a rainbow coloured confectionery, you should at least go with M&Ms!

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  26. I love the idea of people dressing up at my funeral! I would like them all to come as characters from The Nightmare Before Christmas :)

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    1. Ooh, that would be very appropriate! They'd definitely fit in at the graveside!

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  27. This post was sooo funny!!! :) Loved reading about your ideas for your funeral!

    XOXO
    Ashley

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    1. It's such a morbid thing to think about, and so many people do, I thought I'd just make it more fun. I hate going to funerals (duh, who doesn't) but I'd probably be more inclined to go if I knew there would be a door prize!

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  28. Funerals usually suck, but I think your ideas should become the standard. Could I hire you to plan my funeral?

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  29. that sounds like it would be a great funeral..

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