My pampering of choice? To try an aspirin and lemon juice face mask that Dr Oz had waxed poetical about online. I had the ingredients and the time, what could it hurt?
Yeah, I probably should have just stuck to grabbing a Cornetto from the freezer if I wanted to treat myself so badly.
Rather than try to explain how it went, I think a step by step is in order. So here you go! Feel free to follow along if you have the ingredients ... although I wouldn't recommend it.
- Grab six uncoated aspirins and one lemon.
- Mash up the aspirins with a mortar and pestle ... or if you're me, with the handle of a screwdriver you find lying next to the TV unit.
- Mix the powdered aspirin with the lemon juice until it creates a paste, then smear it all over your face.
- Try not to panic, it's supposed to look like that.
- Restrain yourself from swearing as the lemon juice works its way into all the tiny cuts and blemishes you never even realised were on your face.
- Give up trying not to swear and let loose with a string of blasphemy that has your neighbours covering their kid's ears and sailors blushing.
- Try to distract yourself from the constant stinging with something more pleasant ... like a colonoscopy.
- Give up waiting for it to dry completely and rush to the bathroom, submerging your face in the sink and scrubbing away.
- Scream as you accidentally let the lemon juice run into your eyes. Didn't think about that, did you, genius!
- Heave a sigh of relief as the stinging finally abates ... but be reminded ever few minutes as you keep detecting the faint taste of lemon on your lips.
- Look in the mirror and realise that, even after all your suffering, there doesn't seem to be a damned bit of difference in your skin tone.
- Go to the freezer and grab a Cornetto to console yourself with.
And this, kids, is why this blog will never become fashion/beauty tips themed. I really should know better by now.
And shame on you, Dr Oz! Shame!