Monday, January 14, 2013

And this, my friends, is why my blog will never be fashion/beauty tip themed...

So today when I looked in the mirror I noticed my face was looking a little blotchier than normal.  Nothing too extreme, I mean I didn't suddenly feel the need to call Disease Control and warn them about an outbreak of flesh eating bacteria, but given that it was a Sunday and I had no plans to go anywhere, I thought it might be a good excuse for a little self-pampering.

My pampering of choice?  To try an aspirin and lemon juice face mask that Dr Oz had waxed poetical about online.  I had the ingredients and the time, what could it hurt?

Yeah, I probably should have just stuck to grabbing a Cornetto from the freezer if I wanted to treat myself so badly.

Rather than try to explain how it went, I think a step by step is in order.  So here you go!  Feel free to follow along if you have the ingredients ... although I wouldn't recommend it.


  1. Grab six uncoated aspirins and one lemon.
  2. Mash up the aspirins with a mortar and pestle ... or if you're me, with the handle of a screwdriver you find lying next to the TV unit.
  3. Mix the powdered aspirin with the lemon juice until it creates a paste, then smear it all over your face.  
  4. Try not to panic, it's supposed to look like that.
  5. Restrain yourself from swearing as the lemon juice works its way into all the tiny cuts and blemishes you never even realised were on your face.
  6. Give up trying not to swear and let loose with a string of blasphemy that has your neighbours covering their kid's ears and sailors blushing.  
  7. Try to distract yourself from the constant stinging with something more pleasant ... like a colonoscopy.
  8. Give up waiting for it to dry completely and rush to the bathroom, submerging your face in the sink and scrubbing away.
  9. Scream as you accidentally let the lemon juice run into your eyes.  Didn't think about that, did you, genius!
  10. Heave a sigh of relief as the stinging finally abates ... but be reminded ever few minutes as you keep detecting the faint taste of lemon on your lips.
  11. Look in the mirror and realise that, even after all your suffering, there doesn't seem to be a damned bit of difference in your skin tone.
  12. Go to the freezer and grab a Cornetto to console yourself with.  


And this, kids, is why this blog will never become fashion/beauty tips themed.  I really should know better by now.

And shame on you, Dr Oz!  Shame!

44 comments:

  1. You are so funny! That sounds horribly painful so I don't think I'll be trying this. Mud might be better, huh? :0)

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    1. That's really what I should have done. Clay masks are nice and soothing ... lemon juice, not so much.

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  2. Very funny for sure. Maybe this concoction has a delayed type of effect....I'm trying to be optimistic here so that you get some payback for the pain.

    I have heard on good authority that Dr. Oz is a putz. OK...maybe not "good authority" but I heard he's a putz.

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    1. Well if it's one of those things that only works after two straight weeks of doing it, then I doubt I'm going to benefit from the effects.

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  3. Really? Women really do that? Yikes! Did you see that on Dr. Oz's "Practical Joke Friday" show?

    Just FYI, most men think most women look just fine as they are. All those perceived imperfections you fret over don't faze us. :)

    S

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    1. LOL! No doubt that's true, and yet we wear ourselves out with the primping and the teasing and the hours of preparation.

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  4. What are the intended POSITIVE effects? I can't imagine rubbing lemon juice and smashed aspirin as having a very soothing outcome. Although, I didn't think people would wear bird poop facials, but they do (seriously, search for "bird poop facial" and you get a slew of results). Hope your face feels better at least.

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    1. It doesn't seem to have done any permanent damage, but it did feel a bit sensitive for the rest of the day. I suppose I should have known that was how it would end. Lemon juice ... sensitive skin ... it was bound to end in disaster.

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  5. I've often said that Dr. Oz is a charlatan. If this is not proof, what is?

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    1. He ought to be ashamed of himself, convincing gullible people to put things like that on their faces!

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  6. Hilarious! I definitely will not be trying this.

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    1. Probably for the best, unless you desperately want to feel like your face is burning off.

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  7. I was going to try this so I went to the supermarket & got uncoated aspirin & lemons, but they didn't have any wax poetical. Where would I find some--at the hardware store?

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  8. Oh you poor thing. Dr. Oz is insane. Never take beauty advice from a straight male American republican. I'm so glad you survived.
    Connie*

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    1. I'm going to have to assume he never actually tried it himself.

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  9. That is exactly something I would do.

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    1. It was definitely one of those "Another fine mess you've gotten yourself into, Kellie" moments.

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  10. I thought that Doc Oz was way too schmarmy for anyone's good. Maybe he has an issue with women huh? ;)

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    1. Well he certainly seems to have something against us if he's convincing us to do things like this!

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  11. Dr. Oz is an Oprah convert/disciple and since she's not remotely in touch with reality for me I can't pay attention to anything anyone she adores has to say. He makes money scaring the crap out of folks so I dislike him in principle.

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    1. Poor Oprah, she seems to have awful taste in people. Dr Phil is another one of her "choices".

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  12. Look on the bright side - you had a screwdriver within reach. You are turning into a closet tool girl. Well done!

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    1. LOL! That screwdriver, I'm pretty sure the only reason it was there was because I used it to open a box when I couldn't find a stanley knife :D

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  13. Thanks goodness. I kind of like this blog just how it is.

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    1. Aww, shucks. Not to worry, I could no sooner give fashion and beauty advice than I could suddenly sprout wings.

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  14. He's a heart surgeon only but likes to think he's an expert on everything else and that's when his "advice" never works because he's "only" a heart surgeon.

    He needs to give up!

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  15. I don't like Dr. Oz. Every time he says anything my dad comes over and tells me "Dr. Oz says you shouldn't do...whatever it is I'm doing". !!

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    1. Ugh, don't you hate that! If I wanted the advice of a TV celebrity, I'd go watch their show!

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  16. Argh!! lemon stings!! sorry you found out the hard way. BTW, American reader here: what is a Cornetto?

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    1. It's a type of ice cream, I think similar to what you guys call a King Cone?

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  17. You crack me up! You look like you have perfect skin. :) I try to keep it simple because I have super sensitive skin.
    Marie :)

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    1. Oh believe me, i don't have perfect skin! Photos are just very forgiving :D

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  18. If you are going to believe that lemon juice and aspirin are going to work, I have a whole big bag of invisible clothes to sell you.
    Thank you for allowing us to laugh at your pain. :)

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    1. LOL! Oh, I'm definitely a marketer's dream. If someone swears their product will do someting impossible, I'll buy it.

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  19. Funny post. I found you by way of Gossip Girl's post today. I'm now following you.

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  20. Just reading your review I will take your word and won't be trying this lemon mask too soon. :) I know you will never know you had cuts on your fingers until squirting some hand sanitizer on them. That works the same way as the mask apparently. :)

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    1. It certainly stung, I don't think I'll be doing it again.

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  21. Stopping by from Gossip Grl's blog. Yep, this doesn't sound very soothing. Maybe it would be better to use sandpaper? Hmmm...

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    1. Welcome! And yes, sandpaper couldn't have hurt more.

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