Sunday, January 20, 2013

Erotica and the art of grocery shopping...

Like most people with a modicum of sense, I'm not overly fond of grocery shopping.  It's got to be one of the most boring chores out there, not even excluding folding laundry.

The supermarket is always crowded with people who don't seem to understand the concept of keep to the left, trolley's that are apparently possessed by some sort of directionally challenged demon, and sixteen year olds who really couldn't care less if the bottle of bleach spills all over the loaf of bread they just put into the same bag.  All in all, it takes up far too much time that I could otherwise use looking at cat videos on Youtube.

But I think I've finally found a way to make it a little more bearable.

It all started a little while back when I discovered you could put audio books on your iPhone.  I know, seems obvious now, but back then I was still a complete novice to the whole Apple Revolution.  Once I worked out how to do it however ... let's just say grocery shopping was never quite the same again.

Deli Guy:  So what can I get for you? 
... she gently took it in her hand, eyes widening at the unexpected weight... 
Me:  ... Um ... I need ... sausages? 
... looked up at him, pupils blown, gasping as she adjusted to the fulln... 
Deli Guy:  (waiting) And how many? 
... "So big!" she cried, writhing in ecstasy... 
Me:  ... uh ... twelve inches? 
... gasped as her nails bit into his flesh, leaving red trails... 
Deli Guy:  Excuse me? 
... "Please," she begged, "More... 
Me:  (blushing) Oh, sorry ... I meant twelve. 
... sunk his teeth into a white shoulder, thrilling to the whimper... 
Deli Guy:  (looking strangely)  Okay, here you go ma'am. 
... cried out as stars burst in front of her eyes, "Yes, oh God yes... 
Me:  (taking sausages and walking away, muttering)  Damn, when did Mills and Boon become so filthy ...

So, the next time you see some woman wandering around the supermarket with a pair of earphones firmly inserted and an enigmatic smirk on her face, you'll know what's really going on.

51 comments:

  1. Best title for a post I've seen all week.
    Also, you know about podcasts, right? They're like audio books but free...and generally won't get you in trouble when making deli selections.

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    1. I love podcasts, I've always got half a dozen Dr Who and Star Trek themed ones on my iPhone! I also love podfics, which is where people record fanfiction and you download it for free. God, I love living in the internet age!

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  2. Geez! I'll bet you had guys witing in line to give you THEIR phone numbers! ;)

    S

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    1. LOL! I think I must have a funny look on my face when I'm listening to something particularly saucy, because it's always then that someone tries to talk to me. How frustrating! I'm listening to a narrated recreation of some "adult fun" and they want to clarify if I have a savings card!

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  3. I had no idea shopping for wienies could be so much fun. Funny stuff, Kellie1

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    1. Just try it, you'll never look at the cold cuts section in the same way again!

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  4. Hilarious! I can barely stop laughing to post a comment! That was great! I have a small problem with attention deficit so I can understand! :)

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    1. LOL! It definitely requires some multi tasking. You've got to be able to answer the register guys questions, lug grocery bags into the trolley, and listen to soft core (or hard core, if that's your thing) erotica all at the same time!

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  5. Aww we don't have deli guys. We have prepackaged crap and we can find stockers who aren't nearly as much fun to play with. Maybe the bakery.

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    1. Or the butchers? Plenty of opportunity for Freudian slips!

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  6. Just wait 'til you're in the produce section fondling the oranges!

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  7. Um, this is amazing. The title of the post alone is too funny. I HATE shopping of any kind so I might just have to try this!

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    1. Oh, I definitely recommend it! It's the only thing that makes grocery shopping bearable for me.

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  8. Lol - I must try that. Maybe I'll have a look at some audio books later and see if they have some erotica available......

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    1. I can highly recommend podfics if you're into a particular type of fanfiction. They're free to download, and the naughtiness is much, much more eyebrow raising than you'll ever get in a mainstream recording!

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  9. Hahah this is an excellent post! Hilarious :)

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    1. Glad you liked it! I'm just trying to share my coping mechanisms. It's completely altruistic, I swear ;D

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  10. Lol!!! I despise grocery shopping and have been known to bribe family members to go for me. I think I should give this method a try!!

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    1. Do it, you won't regret it! I almost look forward to going shopping now. Almost.

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  11. Ha!!! What I'm talking about... Enjoyed. Take care, Slu

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    1. LOL! Next time you see a woman wearing ear buds in the shop, you're going to remember this ;D

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  12. Wow, now I'm going to be very suspicious of anyone I see eyeing the bananas with lust in their eyes.

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    1. I'm think you should have always been suspicious of anyone eyeing the bananas with lust in their eyes. Just sayin'.

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    2. Probably a good rule of thumb. Those poor, defenceless bananas...

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  13. Great post, but I find erotica in my ears makes me unable to function at anything, but well erotica.

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    1. LOL! It definitely requires a certain level of skill in multi tasking.

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  14. It sounds like Fifty Shades of Deli Shopping!

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    1. LOL! Well Mills & Boon may not be considered quality literature, but I'd still pit them against Fifty Shades any day!

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  15. I hope you don't drive with those things on!

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    1. Oh, I do! Whenever I have to drive a long distance I make sure I have something really saucy lined up to play. It definitely makes the time pass quickly, and you have no problem staying awake.

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  16. Too freaking funny. What was happening while you were in the produce section checking the fruits and veggies for ripeness?

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    1. Lets just say you should be suspicious of any woman (or man, for that matter) wearing ear buds and loitering around the cucumbers.

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  17. Hmm, this could definitely spice up my shopping life a bit!

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  18. Hahahahaha! Niice.. I think I'll be checking out the bananas and cukes. :D

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    1. Just try not to drool too much while you fondle them ;D

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  19. Ongratulations on being featured in bloggers.com today. Well done!

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    1. I had no idea until I woke up this morning to about a hundred emails in my inbox! Wow, being on the front page certainly gets you a lot of attention, doesn't it.

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  20. You've taken grocery shopping to a whole nother level. You were probably the shopper of the hour! Great, Hilarious post!

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  21. Oh I've seen so many with earphones in and now that you've got me thinking this I'll be wondering next time I see someone what they are actually listening too.

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  22. Please don't tell me that's 50 Shades of Grey. Please please please...

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    1. Absolutely not ... I've got much racier things to listen to, believe me!

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  23. If this works for grocery shopping- think of what it could do for clothes shopping. Like lingeri...

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  24. LOVE IT! It's even better than my own solution to getting stuck doing the grocery shopping (I make up my own saucy stories in my head). Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on anything if I were listening to podfics or audio books. I think I'd get too involved on whatever I were listening to, just like I do when I actually read!

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  25. I'm almost too frightened to ask what happens when you go near the bananas ... Great post :-)

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  26. I've been doing it all wrong listening to the store muzak. This is hysterically funny!

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