Monday, March 18, 2013

Death by polar bear and other convoluted schemes...

Who's a ferocious killing machine!
You are!  Yes, you are!
I'm pretty sure someone is trying to kill me by having me eaten by a polar bear.  Or maybe walruses.  Either way, I'm pretty sure death by North Pole is the plan.

At least, that's the only reason I can come up with for the sheer number of pamphlets I've received lately from Quark Expeditions, a company that specialises in holidays to The Arctic.

When the first one arrived, I assumed it was some sort of financial investment scheme and tossed it away without even looking at it.  The second one caught my eye though with the huge picture of a white furred death machine on the front, and that's when I started to wonder why I was getting them.  I hadn't signed up to anything that would put me on their lists, not even a pair of thermal undies.  Then I got a third.  And then a fourth.  That's when I realised someone was trying awfully hard to get me to go to a remote, climatically unfriendly location that is crawling with dangerous animals.

And that, gentle readers, is why I think someone is trying to kill me.

Obviously someone with an axe to grind has signed me up to their mailing list, hoping that pictures of adorable Arctic foxes, seal pups and rabbits will tempt me to take them up on the offer.  Then, once I'm there, I'll be torn limb from limb by a polar bear.  If I'm lucky, it'll be an adorable polar bear.

Of course, that's assuming I don't freeze to death before the adorable killer polar bear finds me.  I live in Queensland!  As much as I love the cold, I don't have the same tolerance for it as those of you who live in places were it regularly gets lower than 60 degrees fahrenheit.  I'm pretty sure that I'd be a human ice cube within the first half hour.

So, person who is trying to kill me via the convoluted medium of adorable polar bear, I just wanted to let you know that your evil plans aren't going to work. I won't be going on a trek to the Arctic, no matter how many shiny coloured brochures you have Quark Expeditions send me.

But if you want to try death by Las Vegas five star hotel, I could probably get on board for that.

So, have any of you guys ever received something completely weird and unexpected in the mail?

58 comments:

  1. Ferocious animals aside - you couldn't pay me to deliberately go someplace that freaking cold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I might be convinced if someone paid me. It'd have to be a lot though!

      Delete
  2. Who's a ferocious killing machine? You are! Yes you are!

    Hahaha... you had me laughing so hard at that one! Yeah I'm with Vanessa D... you couldn't lure me to that arctic hellhole no matter what bait you dangled.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's totally a ferocious creature! I'm sure he'd nuzzle you to death as soon as look at you!

      Delete
  3. If you go, be very careful...they teach you in survival camps to "Never eat a polar bear's liver" they are so full of vitamin D that the liver is lethal!

    They do not teach you how to get to the polar bear's liver, so I think it is a moot point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And to think I never knew about the polar bear liver thing! The number of times I've said to myself "I think I'll have polar bear liver for dinner ... ah, too hard. Frozen lasagne it is". Dodged a bullet there!

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. If it is, it'd be much more sensible for him to come here then ... although Australia is just as deadly, if not moreso, than the Arctic.

      Delete
  5. I spent five winters in the Arctic whilst a Royal Marine. Because the water in the air has been frozen it's a completely different kind of cold. At minus 20 it's very comfortable, and even at minus forty it's still pleasant provided you obey the rules about sweating (or not). Although at minus seventy five it's a bit parky. As for the polar bears you don't have to worry about them The most immediate danger, after frostbite, are those giant elks. Nasty sods. I once threw a snowball at one thinking it was an adult until a great thundering roar behind me preceded a tree being knocked over by its mother on it's way to kill me. I had a rifle able to penetrate an engine block at a mile but if I'd shot this monster I'd just have annoyed it further.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Snowball fights with elks? I'm getting some Santa's village North Pole shenanigans images in my head right now.

      Delete
  6. I have been told that Australia is full of animals, plants, reptiles, and maybe even humans that will cause extreme bodily damage, perhaps even death. You might be safer in the Arctic - and Roger makes it sound almost tropical!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is true, Australia is chock-a-block full of things that will kill you. But despite the fact that we have all sorts of poisonous critters and fish that want to eat you, we don't have any hunting land animals of that magnitutde. They scare the bejezus out of me!

      Delete
  7. Hilarious caption to the picture!
    How many people in Australia would travel aaaaall the way to the Arctic? I'm thinking, if you want to freeze your ass off, the Antarctic would be a lot closer. Someone is certainly trying to lure you or trick you into doing something stupid.
    Although, Val as a point...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you kidding? I resent having to travel the fifteen minutes to work in the morning! Going all the way to the Arctic is definitely out of the question.

      Delete
  8. I totally agree...no way, no how, would I be on board to go to a place that is covered in ice. I get chilled watching the polar bear exhibit at the zoo.

    As far as getting unexpected stuff in the mail...all the time. My mail box is over flowing most days with junk. As far as weird...that's a tough one...I once got 4 cases of Twizzlers (I found out later who sent them..oh and once I got someone's heart monitor (the manufacturer had a wrong address on it, hope the person that needed it lasted long enough to get one sent to them)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, a heart monitor! No one ever sends me stuff like that, just weirdly specific advertising brochures.

      Delete
  9. Anything suspiciousgetting in my inbox is deleted straightaway! I'm a new follower via gfc and bloglovin, hope you'll soon stop by and share some love!
    xoxo, Coco
    Coco et La vie en rose
    http://www.pinktopping.blogspot.it/
    http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3862475/la-vie-en-rose

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well polar bears are quite cute when they're little! You just want to grab their furry cheeks and go who's a cute little bear, who's a cute little bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's true, but you just know that they're thinking "You just wait, when I'm grown up I'm gonna rip you limb from limb"

      Delete
  11. I just want to give that little polar bear a chin rascal! Cuddle him, tell him he's cute and call him George. Anyway, though, it IS totally weird that you continue to get those brochures. For the last six months, at least twice a week, i receive 'surgical enhancement' brochures. Someone desperately wants to botox my face, enhance my breasts and remove my crow's feet, or something. It's a little disturbing. It freaks me out that 'they' know my age.. and even more that someone out there is that familiar with my 'profile.' The paranoid part of me is certain my mother in law is behind it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! I'd probably be disturbed too if I was getting them ... and a bit offended.

      Delete
  12. Whelp it looks like they are just going to have to start mailing the polar bears to your house. It is the only way. After they are shaved of course. Wouldn't want them to overheat now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's probably a sensible precaution. If they don't want them to faint from heat exhaustion before they rip me apart with their teeth, they should definitely shave them.

      Delete
  13. Churchill, Manitoba is the polar bear capital of the world (self-advertised) and they get a lot of tourists up there to see the bears. But you ride around in huge armoured trucks with big shatterproof glass windows so the bears can't kill you. Nice.

    You could have a stop-over at Thompson, Manitoba too, which is not quite as far north. This weekend, a woman was attached by a timber wolf there. But his heart wasn't really in the attack, so she survived.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, and I thought Australia was a dangerous place to live!

      Delete
  14. That little fella is enough to melt an iceberg!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is adorable, isn't he. In fact, he's so cute I'd probably forgive him for trying to maul me.

      Delete
  15. I have nothing of substance to add to the plot but it seems someone was short sighted. Vegas, Paris, Rome all would be better options to trick someone into visiting than polar bears. Unless they were the Coca Cola bears and it was Christmas and they are driving the cute train.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. I'd definitely go if it was a train driving polar bear.

      Delete
  16. Too funny!!! So glad to have met you after being introduced through our mutual friendship with Square-Toothed Lisa! She's right - I can tell I'm going to love your blog...!

    ReplyDelete
  17. A few years ago i started getting brochures advertising cruises for gays and swingers. Random!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, that's rather specific. I wonder why they thought you'd be interested ... not that there's anything wrong with going on a swinger's cruise. Hell, I'm the last person who should judge ... I'm just going to shut up now.

      Delete
  18. Hilarious!

    The worst of the lot for me though has to be coach tour adverts....not only would I be hideously travel sick, but imagine spending all day everyday singing along at the back of the bus with a group of senior citizens!

    Have a lovely day.

    Kate x
    http://www.kateathome.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, no way! When I travel, I like travelling alone. A bus full of other people sounds like hell to me!

      Delete
  19. Polar Bears are certainly more vicious than they look - but they're still beautiful I hear if you keep your distance.

    I hope you had a great St. Patrick's Day!

    P.S. I am now folllwing you on Twitter :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, I like my polar bears like I like my men, held captive ;D

      Delete
  20. I never get even weird stuff in the mail. I might be too boring to even receive them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, that's a shame. Maybe you should sign yourself up for some brochures! May I recommend one of the following.

      - fire twirling
      - adult baby fetish
      - obscure ailments
      - vintage burlesque

      Delete
  21. If you go to the arctic, I'll let you bring my dog, Schultz. He'll protect you from the evil polar bears!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Haha, the mister and I are the opposite on the cold scale - when we were living in Mexico we went to a Christmas party in jeans and short sleeve shirts (actually I may have worn a tank top), and everyone there thought we were crazy, bundled in their marshmallow puffy coats. It was about 60 degrees fahrenheit. Oh Mexican heat, I miss you so.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I like polar bears, but I will enjoy them on tv and fromt he comfort of my armchair. No cold or frostbite to contend with there.

    Online my age is listed at 50 so I get stuff for retirement planning all. the. damn. time. Also life insurance policy info and mobility products. It beats the online pharmacy, erectile disfunction and fertility spam email I guess, so I will take that as a win.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I've still got that to look forward to. Although I don't have much faith in whoever decides what to send considering how many emails I get about mail order brides.

      Delete
    2. I get those too! As well as dating websites and a whole host of other garbage.

      BTW- I'm not even close to being 50 yet so where the interwebs got that tidbit is beyond me.

      Delete
  24. Whoa whoa whoa.... Jump back! I Can vacation with polar bears!?! Where do I sign up???

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Val honey, just remember to take a tranquiliser gun with you.

      Delete
  25. Replies
    1. LOL! Oh Lost, how I miss your convoluted storylines and confusing theories.

      Delete
  26. As much as I love fluffy critters, they alone would not be able to entice me to that frosty wasteland. I take some broken down-looking pigeons in Venice over polar bear cubs on a glacier any day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, me too. If it ain't a city animal, I'm not really interested in seeing it in its natural habitat.

      Delete
  27. I do get weird and unexpected things in the mail, but that's mostly because I ordered them myself. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! It's even better when you forget you ordered them and then spend ten minutes trying to work out why someone sent you a food dehydrater.

      Delete
  28. Haha... yes someone is desperately trying to set you up for Polar bear molestation. Imagine the terror of being hunted by one, especially with them practically disguised against the snow xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. I regularly get various sorts of junk mail (invites to university open houses, BUY THIS CAR, BMG music club bills) addressed to "Fook Yu." Sigh. Because someone who lived at my address before me was an asshole, who thought s/he was smart.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yep, some things look super swell in pictures and I don't need to see them in person!

    ReplyDelete