Should old acquaintance be forgot...

So that's it, kiddies, 2012 is just about done and dusted!  It's not been a bad one, as far as years go.  It's had its ups and downs, but I'd give it a solid eight and a half.

I know it's traditional at this time of year to come up with a list of New Years Resolutions, things you want to accomplish in the coming twelve months.  Goddess knows I've written enough of them myself over the years, most of which have never made it out of week one, so this year I've decided to do things a little differently.  Rather than write resolutions for myself, I'm going to write them for other people.

This should suit me to a tee.  I get to combine my love of coming up with resolutions I have no plan to follow through on with my love of telling other people what to do.  It's win-win!

So here's what I think should be at the top of these resolution lists.

Kristen Stewart:  It might be a good idea to try to not 'have relations' with your director again this year.  In fact, lets just widen that net to anyone you're not actually in a relationship with, okay? 

Lance Armstrong:  Might be time to take up professional wrestling?  I hear they don't mind the drugs so much. 

Kevin Clash aka Elmo:  Just because you play a monster child on TV, that doesn't make it okay to date in that demographic.  How about sticking to the half your age plus seven rule, huh? 

Hulk Hogan:  Don't sleep with anyone else's wife.  Or if you absolutely must, try to refrain from taping it.  That shit always ends up on TMZ. 

Lindsay Lohan:  Umm ... lets see ... you know what?  How about we just go with remembering to turn up to work, huh?  Small steps, Lindsay, small steps.

Happy New Year, everyone!  Lets hope that 2013 is as awesome as we can possibly make it!

Does TIME Magazine really have the power to do that...

Apparently TIME Magazine now have the power to decide what words we can use and what ones we have to remove completely from our vocabularies.

Uhhh ... what the fuck?

And who, may I ask, gave you the power to do that, TIME Magazine?  I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of a bunch of list writing journalists deciding whether or not I'm allowed to use the sentence "His criticism of the latest mommy-porn novel was totes amazeballs".  I can't be restricted to your narrowly defined concept of the English language, TIME!  I'm a unique snowflake, and my language must reflect that!

Fascists!

Oh, who am I kidding, I completely agree that there are a few words out there that could stand to be removed from the font of human knowledge ... but not amazeballs.  Sometimes that's the only word I can find that truly describes the sheer awesomeness of something I'm watching/eating/reading/experiencing.  Don't take that away from me, TIME, I'm begging you!

Still, I think there are a few words you missed.

Moist:  Unless you're talking about a chocolate cake, the word moist only serves one purpose, and that seems to be to make me cringe.  It's just ... ugh, no.  Just no. 

Hipster:  Maybe if we just stop talking about them, they'll go away?  Sorry, I know it's mean of me, but I'm a fangirl.  We're the natural enemy of the hipster.  Kind of like the Roadrunner and Wile-E-Coyote (I'll leave it up to you to work out which is which). 

Blowback:  According to Wikipedia, the definition of this is "unintended consequences of a covert operation that are suffered by the civil population of the aggressor government".  But what I hear is "unintended consequences suffered by Bambi in the film Big Boobs IV when the 'money shot' went a little awry".   

Like:  Like, I hate it when, like, someone just, like, keeps putting the word like into, like, every sentence they say.  Don't you, like, hate that too? 

Gullible:  Come on, we all fell for that joke at least once in our childhoods.  Wouldn't you like to finally have sweet, sweet justice?  I know I would.

No, don't thank me TIME Magazine, I'm just doing your job for you.  You're welcome.

Oh the fun you can have with a mannequin hand...

I'm not one of those people who ever win anything.  Seriously, I could buy 99 tickets out of a 100 ticket lottery, and as sure as eggs, the bastard who bought the other ticket would win the pot.  Over the years I've bought lotto tickets, scratch-it tickets, raffle tickets, and keno tickets, but the most I've ever walked away with was the odd twenty bucks.  Simply put, I'm not lucky.

So you can imagine my delighted surprise when I found out a little while back that I'd won a giveaway that Valerie was running over at her blog Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  Like I said, I never win anything, so the fact that I was chosen for this one was amazing, cause I really really wanted what she was giving away.

Want to know what it is?  Well, take a look at this baby!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you all to Pinky Tuscadero, so named because she has a pinky (obviously), and because I firmly believe she'd make out with The Fonz if given half a chance.  She's a bit of a strumpet.

Valerie sent her with a along with a Congratulations On Your New Baby Hand card, and a Sad Keanu, who will from this point on be taking up residence on the corner of my computer monitor.

Gypsy the Feline Dictator was a little reticent at first, she doesn't like having her power base threatened, but after Pinky showed that she was well versed in the chin scratching arts Her Royal Catness thawed a little.

But of course, there's no room for layabouts at Casa del Kellie ... well no more room, Gypsy has that one sewn up ... so the day after she arrived I took her into the library with me and put her to work.

It turns out she's not such a hot typist.  When I complained, she kept saying that her fingers don't move, so it's unreasonable of me to expect her to do 100 words per minute.  Excuses, excuses.

So then I decided to try her with some paperwork, but I have to say, her handwriting was rubbish.

She did a bit better when I asked her to get me a cuppa.  Looks like we've found a niche for her!  Welcome to the company, Pinky the Tea Lady!

Thank you so much, Valerie!  I'm sure Pinky is going to make an excellent addition to my workplace. I've been telling people I needed a hand with my job for ages!

Have yourself a merry little Christmas...

Merry Christmas, my lovelies!

I hope you all have a fantabulous day with your nearest and dearest, eating way too much and encouraging materialism in the next generation by buying them oodles and oodles of presents!

And for your listening/viewing pleasure, here's "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Straight, No Chaser, a college a cappella group.  Seriously, it's the funniest version of the song I've ever seen ... and who among us can honestly say they haven't branched off into other songs while singing this one.

Have a good one, guys!

Christmas Giveaway: And the winners are...

The Hat Of Fate has spoken, and the winners of the two e-copies of "Ricochet" by Xanthe Walter are Sarah at Misfits Vintage and Kianwi at Simply She Goes!

Congrats, guys!  You're going to love it!

I'll email you the link to go download your book, have fun over the Christmas break with your naughty, saucy, rumpty pumpty adult type novel!

Wow, I'm really talking up the erotica factor, aren't I ... and for some reason sounding more than a little like Benny Hill while doing it.

Don't worry, it's a real book with real storylines and everything, not just a bunch of highly unlikely sexual encounters strung together by even more unlikely plot contrivances.  If you're anything like me you'll be half in love with at least four of the characters by the time you're finished it.

And for anyone else who's curious, and over the age of 18, you can go read the first 14 chapters of "Ricochet" here!

Ah, just call me smutty Santa.  Santa Smut?  Smutty Claus?

Wow, this alter ego thing is hard.  I don't know how Clark Kent does it.

Twenty four hours and counting...

It's almost time, folks!  The Apocalypse is only hours away, so it's time for us to start getting our plan ready.

What plan, you ask?

Well, if you've been visiting me for a while you may recall a post I made back in September where I came up with a game plan for the Mayan Apocalypse.  Go on and read it, we'll all wait.

All done?  Good.

So, are we all agreed?  From this point on, we all act like the Apocalypse happened.  The next generation are never going to know it's all a pack of thinly veiled lies, provided we all stick to the game plan.  So in preparation for this, I think it would be a good idea if we all prepared a little.

Come up with your stories before hand, or at least some bullet points you can refer to, so you're ready when sceptical youngsters start to question you about what really happened.  Remember, there's no such thing as too outlandish.  You survived the freaking Apocalypse!  If you want to say you single handedly mowed down fifteen zombies with a hot wired SUV, you go right ahead.

Purposely hurting yourself just for the sake of having battle scars is a bit extreme, but by all means come up with some explanations for the ones you already have.  I've got a scar on the back of my ankle, the result of an unfortunate leg-shaving incident, which I'll be telling people came from a run in with a dismembered zombie who clung to my leg with one hand while dragging his severed lower body with the other.  It's a beautiful image, isn't it.

It probably wouldn't hurt if you started perfecting your PTSD responses now.  Practice your haunted, tortured look in the mirror to get just the right amount of angst showing in your eyes.  Try out expressions like "I tried to get to her, tried to get her out, but I just wasn't fast enough" and "At night I can still hear the screaming".  If that doesn't work for you, just go with something like "Sarah?  I knew a Sarah once ... back before..." then sigh deeply.  You can't go wrong with the classics.

Okay then, I think we're ready!

By the way, don't forget to go enter my Silly Season Giveaway for an e-copy of Xanthe Walter's new novel "Ricochet"!

Oh Saint Clare, watch over my TiVo...

Considering I'm not even a Christian, let alone a Catholic, you guys might find my choice of material today strange, but the way I see it, everyone should have the protection of a patron saint.  They're more than just religious figures, they're doing their part to continue the great tradition of superstition and paranoia we've worked so hard a species to build!

The important thing, though, is picking the right saint to align yourself with.  And being the awesome person I am, I've decided to help you all out by suggesting a few of the lesser known saints you might find yourself drawn to!  Why settle for St Anthony or St Jude, when you could have one of the following!

St Clare:  Patron Saint of Television

For anyone who lives and dies by their TV guide, you might want to invest in a statue of St Clare, the patron saint of television.  Hell, get two of 'em and having duelling St Clares on either side of your wide screen!

Can't find the rerun of The Love Boat you're looking for?  Want to know when the next Doctor Who episode is going to air?  Living in fear of your favourite show being cancelled before the two main characters finally kiss?  Just appeal to your St Clare (or duelling St Clares) for a little divine intervention.  It can't hurt!

St Isidore:  Patron Saint of The Internet

Now here's a saint that should be near and dear to all of our hearts.  Good old Isidore, the patron saint of the internet!  How else are you supposed to get a 200 kpbs download rate from your torrents without his help?

So why not print off his picture and stick it to your computer monitor?  With him looking down on you, you'll never go wrong!  Guaranteed protection against viruses, malware and those annoying pop-up ads that you can never get rid of.

Disclaimer:  This is no guarantee that a picture of St Idisore taped to your computer will prevent viruses, malware or pop-up ads.  Get real, dudes, it's just a photo of a dead guy.

St Fiacre:  Patron Saint of STD Sufferers

So there's a patron saint  you should be offering a prayer up to every time you have a one night stand.  Who knew!  Apparently St Fiacre was quite the healer back in the day, and he did such a good job healing all the "unfortunate" diseases that they made him the patron saint of it.

Sorry, Fiacre, that really sucks.  No one wants to be known as the Patron Saint of chlamydia.

So here's an idea, why not pop his picture in your wallet, right next to your emergency condom?  Of course, it's entirely possible any disease prevention will have more to do with the condom than the picture, but why quibble over details.

St Drogo:  Patron Saint of The Ugly

Being the stunning example of humanity that I am, I of course have no need for this particular Saint's assistance, but I wouldn't want to prevent my less aestetically pleasing readers to be disadvantaged.

Yeah ... that's totally why ...

Poor St Drogo, he apparently wasn't the most attractive of individuals, thanks to a disease that disformed him.  So why not stick a picture of him to your mirror to comfort you on those days when bad hair, bad skin, or just general bad looks are plaguing you!  He might not be able to help, but at least you can look at him and be thankful that you're not THAT bad off.  And he's also the patron saint of coffee so bonus!


So these are just a few of lesser known, but no less important, Saints out there!  Consider your options, weigh the pros and cons, then pick your teams, kids!  It's only your eternal soul riding on your decision, so no pressure or anything.

By the way, don't forget to go enter my Silly Season Giveaway for an e-copy of Xanthe Walter's new novel "Ricochet"!