It was a dark and stormy night when Harry crept into Draco's dorm room...

There's one question I get asked a lot that never fails to make me gulp in a visually comical way.

"So, Kellie, what are you reading at the moment?"

I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about.  When people find out you like to write, it's just a short jump to assuming (quite correctly) that you like to read too.  And if you like to read, then you must have some amazing recommendations of stuff that will blow their minds.  Perhaps some hidden gem that will turn out to be the next Harry Potter series.

Oh boy, I could definitely recommend things that would blow their minds ... I'm just not sure if I should.

Okay, I'll just come out and say it ... I read fan fiction.

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to like that stuff.  Or at least I'm not supposed to admit to liking that stuff.  But you know what?  I'm done with the hiding!  I'm coming out of the literary closet!

I'm a fan fiction reader, and proud of it!

And really, before you go scoffing at my lack of literary depth you really should try it first.  I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is knowing that somewhere out in the world there's a small army of people, and they're all writing hundreds of thousands of words a day about shows and characters that I already love.  I never run out of things to read, I get to see what my favourite characters would do in situations the TV networks would never allow them to be in, and I don't have to pay a cent for it!

So instead of hiding my literary leanings, I've decided I'm just going to be honest from now on.  When someone asks me what I'm reading now, I'm just going to tell them.  Maybe I'll even give them an URL or two.

But I don't think I'll warn them about the tendency fan fiction authors have to pile on the homoerotica and make all their characters gay.  I'll just leave that as a surprise.



Kellie's Fan Fiction Recommendations (just some of my favourites)

Sandstorms [link] by Mithreon (Stargate Atlantis) - Lot and lots of angst here.  I cried so much reading it! 

Make A Wish [link] by Rorschach's Blot (Harry Potter) - This was written before the series was finished, but it's hilarious and well worth the read.   

My Father's Keeper [link] by Emerald1 (NCIS) - Another angsy offering, this time with poor Tim McGee getting the rough end of the stick. 

Syrup and Honey [link] by LauGS (Glee) - a really well done "what if" story where Kurt owns a bakery. 

Ianto Jones' Diary [link] by Torchwoodfour (Torchwood) - This one was great!  A bit of a "missing scenes" one, in the form of a Bridget Jonesesque diary written by good old Ianto.  

Feel free to leave recommendations of your own in the comments!  I'm always looking for new stuff to read!

Does it taste like chicken...

I suppose it's my own fault. I'm the one that voluntarily sat down in front of that television set at midday and turned onto a channel I knew would have a movie on. There's no one else to blame for the emotional scars.

A bunch of pioneers, all of them talking earnestly about how they needed to get to California. I expected the usual drama and angst. The odd person falling off a precipice, an Indian attack or two, just the usual.  But I wasn't prepared for what it turned into.

About three quarters of an hour into the film the band of people split up into two, one group going one way and another going a more risky route. When they named themselves the Donner Party, cold dread filled my heart. I couldn't remember why I knew that name, but I knew it wasn't because they went on a rollicking road trip adventure that resulted in life lessons learned and unbreakable vows of friendship.

As the movie progressed, I began to get a few clues as to why the name sounded so familiar. Snow, blizzards, trapped in a cabin, nothing to eat. Oh my god! This was the story about that group who had to turn to cannibalism to survive!

But it was too late to switch off. I was already trapped in the film. I had to see the end otherwise I'd always wonder how it finished. So I sat there for another hour watching as they got snowed in, slowly starved, then chowed down on their dead friend like he was a Happy Meal.

The fact that it was based on a true story, that it actually happened, is bad enough. But why did I have to live through it via a badly acted midday movie?

Haven't I suffered enough?

A girl and her bloodlust...

Today I was watching The Mummy Returns, it had been a while and I felt like watching Brendan Fraser back when he was still cute, and I couldn't help noticing something rather disturbing.

I hve this unnatural tendency to laugh uncontrollably when people get injured or killed in action films.

It's really starting to become a problem. I mean sure, in the privacy of your own lounge room watching a video, of course there's no one to hear your mirthful glee as someone on the screen has their intestines ripped out through their navels.  But in a cinema it's a different story. People give me the most unusual looks in there. 

 I suppose it's not surprising, they no doubt think I'm a serial killer in the making.

I'm not a total monster though. It's not like I sat through Beaches or Steel Magnolias giggling my head off. It's just the action/adventure ones that do it to me. Oh, and the horrors, they're also a scream (pun intended)! Honestly, I really do think we're supposed to laugh at them.

I'm not really concerned about the attention I get from the other cinema patrons, though. It's my friends I'm worried about. It must be difficult to go to the movies with someone who has a habit of breaking into uncontrollable laughter just because someone was is decapitated onscreen. 

But come on, lets all be honest with ourselves. Aren't you all just little bit thrilled when someone bites it in the movies? I think it's that whole living vicariously thing that does it to us. We can't exactly go around killing peole who piss us off, so seeing it on the big screen can be kind of cathartic. 

 And really, is bloodlust really such a bad thing as long as it's kept in the movie theatre?

Sorry Edward and Jacob, I prefer Bella's Dad...

Today I went to see the new Twilight movie ... please don't judge me.  What can I say, I got hooked just like everyone else.  Those books are like literary crack cocaine, only ten times more addictive!  So I went along and watched like the good little lemming that I am.

But it made me realise something about myself I didn't know before.  A response I hadn't realised was becoming common for me.

What was that response, you ask?  Disgust at Taylor Lautner's disproportionate body to head ratio?  Amusement at the questionable acting skills of Ms Stewart?  Mindboggling bewilderment at the less than stellar special effects that involved chopping off a nine year old's face and whacking it on a toddler's body?

While all of these might be true, they're not what concerned me.  No, I'm referring to the fact that, while my movie companions were all either Team Jacob or Team Edward (and believe me, there was an awful lot of trash talking going on for a bunch of thirty something supposedly mature women), it would seem that I'm Team Bella's Dad.

That's right, in a film full of young, relatively good looking guys, I decided to make cow eyes at the heroine's father.

In my defence, he's not that much older than me (only about nine years), and he's cute!  I even like that silly moustache he wears in it.  And he's so normal and bewildered in it while everyone else around him are weird creatures like werewolves and vampires and Robert Pattinson.

Still, there I am sitting in the cinema leering at Bella's Dad, and I can't help wondering if it's the father thing.  Is it just that I'm attracted to men who seem like good parental material?  And if it's a trend, I wonder if I should be concerned?  You know what they say, once is an accident, twice a coincidence, but three times is a trend.  Lets see if I'm trending?

Dennis Quaid in The Day After Tomorrow:  Yep, definitely a hot Dad.  I know we were supposed to go for Jake Gyllenhaal and his big I'm-so-out-of-my-depths-but-I'm-going-to-be-heroic-anyway eyes, but I preferred the heroic father who crossed the country on foot in the middle of the mother of all snow storms to get to his son.  Heroic and paternal, a double threat! 

Liam Neeson in Love Actually:  Now who wouldn't love the recently widowed single dad, trying desperately to be positive and uplifting for his son even though he's still mourning.  Heartstrings ... yep, they're definitely pulled. 

Colin Firth in What A Girl Wants:  While I, of course, loved Colin in Pride and Prejudice (can anyone say wet shirt!!!), he was very cute playing a newly realised father of a teenage girl.  He bumbled around and was adorably British.  Not to mention he was very sexy riding that motorcycle!  

Okay ... definitely a trend.

Oh Ferris, you charming delinquent you...

I do love a good movie, and like most of us I have a soft spot for the classics.  Those well worn favourites that are so easy to pull out on a rainy Sunday afternoon and get lost in for a few hours.

But quite recently I took a closer look at some of my favourite "family friendly" flicks and noticed a bit of a disturbing trend.  Is it just me, or do a lot of them have pretty awful messages hidden inside their saccharin sweetness?  Don't believe me?  Well lets have a look at a few old chestnuts and see if they can stand up to the Kellie Morality Test!


Sleeping Beauty

I can hear you all now saying "Oh come on, you've already trashed this one!  Give the old girl a break!"  And you're right, I have had a go at dear old Sleeping Beauty and the less than stellar gender equality lessons contained therein, but cool your jets!  I'm not going to rag on Beauty this time.

Oh no, my bone to pick is with the Prince.  Okay, I'm going to put this as bluntly and as succinctly as possible.  It is NOT okay to go up to a sleeping girl, especially one you barely know, and kiss her.  This is not romantic, it's sexual assault.

Grease

I think I was about five the first time I ever watched this one.  Of course, all the more questionable teenage angst stuff went straight over my head at the time, but there was one message that I definitely understood which I wouldn't want taught to anyone!  Simply put?  If you want the boy or girl you like to like you back, then change everything about yourself.

Danny turns himself into a jock to please Sandy, and Sandy turns herself into a skanky ho to please Danny.  Sure, it's all sweetness and light the way they portray it, but lets be honest here, that's what they're selling.

Oh, and also that smoking is sexy ... apparently.

The Princess Bride

I do love this one, but if I'm going to be completely honest here I have to grudgingly admit that it fits into the category of "bad message movie".  And that message seems to be that if you act like a spoilt, unpleasant bitch, the boy you're treating worse than a red headed stepchild will fall in love with you.

Yeah, that's going to be a bit of a shock when you try that particular method out in the real world.  Generally speaking, if you act like a bitch to a boy, they're just going to get the hell away from you as quickly as they can.


Ferris Bueller's Day Off

God I love this movie, but lets be honest ... if someone you knew did all the things that Ferris did he'd probably get suspended from school, grounded, and possibly even arrested.  Sure he came across as the charismatic hero, all suave smiles and endearing "carpe diem" attitude, but what he really was, once you strip all the charm away, was a little schmuck.

He chucked a sickie, convinced his best friend to let him steal his father's car, snuck his girlfriend out of school, and then drove them all in said stolen car into the city.  If you saw that on a rap sheet, you'd be bemoaning the state of today's youth and advocating for bringing back corporal punishment in schools!

But because he's relatively good looking and oozes charm like freaking Cary Grant, he got away with it.


So, what about you guys?  Any movies out there that you absolutely love but when you think too hard about their messages they make you cringe?

No business like show business...

Everyone's happy in a musical ...
and perfectly choreographed!

Today I decided to have a bit of a bludge and spent the day on the couch watching old musicals.  Yeah, my life is just that exciting.  But it was cold and I didn't want to leave the warmth of the heater and if I decided to go out I'd have to do my hair and put make-up on and, you know, actually change out of my pyjamas, so I'm going to say I made the right choice.

I do love a good musical, though.  Singing In The Rain, Brigadoon, On The Town, all those old 1950's romantic movies with tons of singing and dancing in them.  They just don't make them like that anymore.  So I sat curled up on my couch, wrapped in a doona, and watched as pretty girls in twirly dresses sang and danced with debonair guys in very tight pants.

Seriously, have you ever noticed that?  All the male dancers back then wore their pants so tight!  What with all the jumping around and raised body temperature, I don't even want to think about what that meant for their sperm count!

But after watching so many of them, I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of what life was like back in the 1950's for an average girl.  Yep, you could drop me cold into the middle of small town America in 1955 and I'm sure I could muddle my way through based on what I've absorbed.  And because I'm kind, I've decided to tell you all what I've learned.

So sit up straight, take notes, pay attention, and there may be a test later.

Just your common or garden
variety small town girl.

1.  All small town girls want to be famous.  No, seriously all of them.  They can all sing and dance like pros, despite the fact that they live out the back of nowhere, and they all look like pin-up models.

Every bus out of every tiny one horse town is crammed to the roof with teenaged girls on their way to stardom on stage and screen, and no one seems to doubt for a minute that they'll be famous within a fortnight.  Going away parties and pep rallies seem to be the norm to wish the soon-to-be-famous young lady Bon Voyage ... which, you know, no pressure or anything.  

2.  When a girl gets to Broadway/Hollywood/Wherever, she will invariable meet a nice, paternal, non-sexually threatening gentleman who will help ease her way and act as an advocate in any situation without seeming to get anything out of it.  He won't swindle her for every last cent she has or try the "casting couch" on her.  Nine times out of ten, that gentleman will be Donald O'Connor.  

Is this a trustworthy face
or what!

As far as I can tell, although it's not made clear, this gentleman seems to be completely asexual ... or maybe a eunuch ... either way, she'll be completely safe in his non-sexual hands until someone comes along to sweep her off her feet.

3.  If a girl meets a gentleman who she takes an instant dislike to, but who doesn't come across as creepy, then in all likelihood this gentleman will turn out to be someone she'll be romantically linked to in about twenty minutes.  If she yells at him, then she'll probably end up marrying him.  If she slaps him, you might even get to see the wedding by the end of the movie!

Evidence would indicate that mating rituals back in the 50's were rather violent.

4.  There will come a point when a girl will start to doubt her own talent and decide to give up her bright light and big city dreams.  Maybe she gets screwed over by a colleague, maybe she doesn't become a household name the first day as she'd been led to believe she would, maybe  Mr Oh-So-Cranky-Cut-The-UST-With-A-Knife is mean to her and she feels the need to run home weeping.

Swoon!

But a convenient plot twist will appear at the last minute, usually in the form of a big important show where she has to step in at the last minute and take over for the star.  This seems to happen a lot, so I'm going to assume that this is the way most people get their big break in show business.  This will result in the acknowledgement and adoration of everyone, including anyone who doubted her before.  There may even be a marching band!

5.  No matter how famous a girl gets, the ultimate symbol of her success will be finding a husband.  If that husband can also sing and dance, all the better.

Life was a lot easier back in the 50's, wasn't it.

Dirty little secrets...

We all have them, stashed in the back of the wardrobe, hidden under the bed, saved under innocuous names like “Tax Return 2011” or “Poncho Knitting Pattern” on our hard drive.  We pull them out when no one else is around, wallowing in our own guilt and shame as we watch them.  We keep saying we’ll stop, but our resolve weakens and we keep going back to them, regardless of the looks of shock and mild disgust we’d get from our nearest and dearest if only they knew. 

B Grade movies, our secret guilty pleasures.

What did you think I was going to say?  Minds out of the gutters, people!

Like everyone else, I have a pile of badly written and abysmally acted little gems, films which I know are bad, which I shouldn’t give the time of day to, but I just can’t seem to stop watching.  They’re all so bad that I can’t help cringing when I think of other people knowing I like them, but somehow I can’t convince myself to get rid of them either.

Oh B Grade movies, why can’t I quit you?

But today I’ve decided it’s time to cast off the mantle of shame and recrimination!  I’m going to admit to liking bad movies … hell, I’m going to embrace it!  I’m going to stand up (figuratively speaking, cause I’m in public right now) and declare to the world that I love badly written and acted films!

I like plots where I can see what the end of the movie will be five minutes into the film!

I like it when the actors use big, dramatic pauses to show just how important a particular scene.  Melodrama is a valid narrative tool!

I like special effects that are so bad I could have been done with a Commodore 64, or prosthetics so badly created it looks like my 2 year old nephew made them!

And to further show my newfound acceptance of my love for all things dodgy in the movie world, I’m going to share with you a few of my favourites.

Ghost Ship

Possibly the best B Grade horror film ever made.  The premise is a group of salvagers find a floating cruise ship from the sixties and, during their exploration of it, are picked off one by one by the malevolent ghosties and ghoulies onboard.  Honestly, it’s worth watching for the opening scene alone!  Any film that starts with a bunch of people on a dance floor being chopped in half by a released cable gets a thumbs up in my book!  It’s incredibly graphic … I’ll never forget the scene where one of the victims is trying to pull his own legs back towards his torso.

Somewhere In Time

Everyone loves a period romance, right?  Well this is one of those … with a twist!  It’s about a man who is given a gift of a pocket watch by a mysterious old lady.  When he tries to find out who she is, he is told she died just after she gave it to him.  He becomes a little bit obsessed with her and through several leaps of logic, common sense and believability, and despite the fact that he’s a playwriter and NOT a physicist, somehow comes up with a working time travel theory.  Back he goes, meets mysterious old woman who is now mysterious young woman, falls in love, gives her the pocket watch, then gets dragged back to his own time.  And thus the circle is complete!  It’s pretty badly written, and the acting is a bit sketchy, but somehow I can’t stop watching this one.  I guess saccharine sweet romance will win every time.

Psycho Beach Party

This one of those films that was made bad on purpose … and they do it splendidly!  It’s a cross between one of the Gidget films of the sixties and a slasher horror film.  There’s surfing, beach bunnies, and clam bakes galore, along with dead bodies that keep popping up when everyone least expects it.  Not exactly a traditional combination, I know, but somehow they manage to make it work. 

Somewhere, Tomorrow

I think I was about ten years old the first time I saw this one.  In it a teenage girl finds a crashed plane when she falls off her horse.  After that, the ghost of the boy who crashed the plane starts to haunt her.  It was very sweet and innocent, and really REALLY badly made, but at the age of ten I didn’t know that.  Of course it has the traditional ending of these types of films, with a miraculous recovery of the dead guy and the couple living happily ever after … or at least the teenage version of it.

So there you go, some of my favourite bad films.  Each of them has a place of honour in my DVD collection … albeit a hidden place of honour … but perhaps it’s time to pull them out from their secret hidey holes and revel in their awfulness!

Who’s with me?