Thursday, May 16, 2013

And if you act now, you'll get the third month of incarceration absolutely free...

Tired of spending hundreds of dollars a month on cigarettes?  Sick of being sent outside like a naughty puppy every time you want a smoke?  Don't want to smell like the bottom of an ashtray anymore?  Well, why not try all new SlapACop!

That's right, with our revolutionary new quit smoking method, SlapACop, you too can give up smoking in as little as seventy two hours!  All for the price of a bus ticket to your nearest police station, you can exchange a face slap to a uniformed officer for an all expenses paid trip to jail.
Enjoy the peace and serenity of your very own jail cell, the professionally prepared meals, and most importantly NO CIGARETTES!  That's right, after being forced to go cold turkey, you'll be foot loose and cigarette free in no time. 
Disclaimer:  Fees listed here do not include any bond that may be required by your local law enforcement agency.  So really, if you end up having to shell out five grand to get you out of the pokey, it might not be the best option after all.
Sure it might sound like I'm being facetious, but this is something that a California woman actually did.  Rather than buy some chewing gum, visiting a hypnotist or asking a friend to yell at her every time she tried to have a smoke, she decided the best option was to try and get arrested so she'd be put in jail and out of temptations reach.

And really, with a plan like that, how could it go wrong?

I'm guessing she didn't really think it through.  I'm not exactly an expert on the clink, but I've been led to believe that cigarettes are quite plentiful in there, what with them being used as a form of currency and all.  But then what do I know, maybe she did her research and found a smoking free jail before she headed off to put her plan into action.

You'd need to be pretty careful though, I'd imagine.  Go too easy on him and you'll get off with a warning, go too hard and you might end up with a pretty new anklet and the inability to put the rubbish out after seven o'clock at night.

On second thoughts, maybe it would just be easier all round to buy a packet of Nicorette.

66 comments:

  1. This is for real? Wow! She was really desperate! I can see that! I've thought of wiring my jaw shut so I couldn't eat! ;)

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  2. DANG, you know what they say about the best laid plans......

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    1. Yeah, I'm sure how much thought actually went into that plan.

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  3. Times like these? So proud to be an American!

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  4. Love the cigarettes as currency line.

    And don't lie. You seem oddly familiar with the clink. (;

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  5. In California I'm suprised there is anywhere she could smoke!

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    1. Maybe that was actually what she was trying to do, get into jail were she could smoke! Well played, Madam, well played.

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  6. are cigarettes not currency in jail or movies want me believe it is so.

    I never thought about the slapacop tactic - we could develop a android app that tells you the nearest cop that you can slap..oh we could be rich.

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    1. Ooh, I like the way you think. I'll have my people contact your people ;P

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  7. I'm interested in quitting, but not THAT interested!!

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    1. I'm thinking she realised her mistake about half a second after slapping him.

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  8. Best thing to do is never start such an unpleasant and unhealthy habit.

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  9. Sometimes crazy people are awesome. Sometimes there is a logic so beautiful our plain dull not-crazy minds can't appreciate it.

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    1. It's like A Beautiful Mind ... but with cop slapping.

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  10. Right! How could it possibly go wrong?? Famous last words... Lol.

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  11. You find the best ludicrosity. Really, the absolute best!

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  12. I'll share this with my friend who is trying to quit. Innovative.

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    1. Well I hope it helps him/her, and I'll be in touch about collecting my fee ;P

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  13. Um I have nothing to say but. DOH!

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    1. That's probably exactly what went through her head half a second after she did it.

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  14. Hahaha,, whatever works.....whatever works...... :)

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  15. I was on the freeway yesterday when I heard this. I was shaking my head and laughing and I am sure other drivers must have thought I was nuts.

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    1. LOL! I do that all the time. That and singing. I must look like a maniac to everyone else while I'm wailing to Air Supply.

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  16. Just when I think I've heard it all....*shakes head*...

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  17. Cos there just isn't enough crazy happening in the world right now... :)

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    1. Oh honey, there's never enough crazy in the world to my way of thinking.

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  18. i have often wondered what would happen to me if i found myself stuck in some place for a long period without my meds. Slapping a cop would be the least damage i could do i'd imagine.

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    1. LOL! With any luck you won't have to find out, either about the lack of meds, or the cop slapping.

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  19. Sounds like a foolproof method if (as you pointed out aren't available)...still, I haven't ever seen the inside of a jail and kind of doubt that I would like it. The bathroom facilities don't appear to be private and I am rather picky about my linens, food, privacy, etc. Good thing I don't smoke.

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    1. I wouldn't do well in jail either. I'm a bit of a princess about certain things, and I don't think they'd be willing to accommodate my preferences.

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  20. made me laugh, then I took it serious and it's not a half bad idea till I realized the headache
    of course it's not fool proof, maybe you slap the cop that likes getting slapped?
    true story^

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  21. SlapaCop sounds like the best....[Passes out}.

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  22. This is hilarious, Kellie! I know I'm going to enjoy your blog! Thanks for coming to mine!

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  23. Ah, Kelly, you are everything your blog name promises and more. You never fail to make me smile.

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    1. Aw, thanks! I do try to live up to the ludicrous creed.

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  24. Now, now Kellie. Stop encouraging smoking folks to go slap a cop! unless you wanna get done for inciting cop hatred which will really give you incite and personal experience into how clinks are run. ha ha ha.

    This woman must have been real desperate but I'm sure the doctor could have given her more options than getting a criminal record. Such a funny story mate.

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    1. I hadn't thought of that ... on second thoughts, no one should be slapping any cops! No violence against any cops thank you very much!

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  25. Brilliant! Wait, no. Stupid. This is a stupid move. Brilliant would have been wrapping her hands in duct tape so she couldn't hold a cigarette, or lighter, or the keys to a car, or anything else that stupid people seem to get their hands on.

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    1. Hmm, maybe we could market the duct tape method too.

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  26. Oh my. The lengths some people will go to for things.

    Time to get out the box o' wine and some crazy straws!

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  27. I wonder what the SlapACop success rate is...

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    1. Well officially no one's done it yet so ... 100%!

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  28. OMG... I could lose weight this way!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. I could branch out! Quit smoking, drinking, overeating, nail biting, or any number of other awful things with all new Slapacop!

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  29. Hahaha! Not sure why this didn't occur to me when I quit 30 years ago.

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    1. LOL! I'm sure whatever method you used had a better success rate.

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  30. I loved every word of this hilarious post. Are people really that stupid? (rhetorical question, I know they are). I would love to hear the stupid outcome of this women, who probably smokes more now then ever before. Thanks for the laughs.

    Rhonda from Laugh Quotes

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    1. Well smokers tend to smoke more when they're stressed, and I'd have to imagine she's pretty stressed right now, so I'd say your guess is probably right.

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  31. Dude. That's brilliant. Why didn't anyone else think of that?

    And I'm not sure about where she's from but here in NJ cigarettes are cheaper and much more plentiful in jail. I actually know a few people who started to smoke, on the inside, out of boredom. LOL

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    1. Yeah, I'm guessing she didn't really think it through.

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