Saturday, February 9, 2013

Apparently treason is now the cure for a broken heart...

There are many responses that would be considered appropriate to finding out that your wife is having an affair.  Marriage counselling, trial separation, divorce.  Hell, even completely unhealthy emotional manipulation and toxic co-dependency.

One option that never occured to me, however, was committing military espionage.

But that's what a Canadian Naval Officer did though when he found out in 2007 that his wife was cheating on him.  Rather than throw all her clothes into the front yard while screaming about what a whore she was, he walked into the Russian Embassy and offered to spy for them.  That's right, he just walked right in there and offered his "espionage services".

Damn, dude!  Couldn't you have just posted a questionable add in Craigslist with her phone number and a comment about how she's looking for "someone who likes lazy Sunday lie ins and watersports" like a normal person?  Nothing eases the soul like causing irreparable damage to a cheating spouses reputation.  Or you could have called your mates and got them to take you to a strip club!  I hear some of them have pretty nice counter meals, and you could have had someone named Candie McHooters lap dance your cares away.

Still, getting a happy ending from Candie, while satisfying in its own way, wouldn't have been as lucrative as the option he chose.  Apparently he was paid about a hundred and twelve thousand dollars over the past five years for his services.

You know what gets me though?  Since when does Canada have secrets worth a hundred and twelve thousand dollars!

I always imagined that Canada was a bit like here in Australia.  We're the harmless, likeable souls who never actually do anything of significance and just stand near the big guys saying "Yeah, what he said!" whenever serious shit is going down.  We don't have secrets.  We don't even know HOW to have secrets.  So when did Canada start having them?

*looks suspiciously over at Canada*

So ... anything you'd like to confess, Canada?

By the way, don't forget to go enter my Geeky Competition.  Unless you're not a geek ... in which case, no judgement here.  It takes all kinds, after all.

39 comments:

  1. I am shocked that there might be secrets Canada is keeping from us! Really, Canada? I thought you liked us!

    As for the guy...I guess coping mechanisms come in all forms and if you're looking for a soul destroying one because the love of your life committed adultery, then I guess selling out your country is as good as any.

    Me? I think I'd just drink, cry and you know, get a hair cut. Something drastically short but not, you know, permanent.

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    1. Drastic haircuts are probably a healthier method of coping.

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  2. Oh, oh. Living in the US, maybe I'd better start being a little suspicious of our neighbor to the north. Maybe they've been making maple missiles aimed at Mississippi. Or they're taking pictures of our breweries and cheese factories. Eh?

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  3. Aussies may not have any secrets, but they are the first to jump in and put their lives on the line when needed.

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    1. That's true. We're brave and stupid. They're our defining characteristics.

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  4. I think you need to start a anti-therapy company. You could offer angry spouses ways to get even with straying spouses. Any referrals you send over to Candi McHooters, you should receive a referral fee.

    I am rather surprised that Canada is keeping secrets. What's that aboot?

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    1. I'll have to get in touch with Candie and see if we can tee something up.

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  5. This is hysterical. Living in America, I know all about the existence of secrets. They're always leaking out and causing mass hysteria. But I always thought of Canada as the cool, wiser older sibling who didn't need secrets and preferred instead to have a cocktail and watch the game in their underwear, with no need to hide anything.

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    1. Still waters run deep, I guess. Maybe they're less the cool older brother and more the creepy uncle you only see every couple of years and your parents won't tell you what they do for a living.

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  6. The secrets were probably stuff like maple syrup recipes and such.

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  7. "I always imagined that Canada was a bit like here in Australia. We're the harmless, likeable souls who never actually do anything of significance and just stand near the big guys saying "Yeah, what he said!" whenever serious shit is going down." THIS. Awesome. Except I always pictured Australia as the drunken sun-burned wingman ready to fight and Canada as the slacks-wearing vice principal saying, "Ok everyone, inside voices!" I have no political knowledge to base that on, mostly just 80's movies.

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  8. Yikes!!! "I'll show her" taken to the extreme...

    Enjoyed. Take care, Slu

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  9. I completely agree and I actually thought the same thing when I read this news story. We are way too nice (and boring) to have any secrets worth spying on. You got me :)

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    1. It does seem strange that they'd even bother with some guy who wanted to sell them Canadian secrets.

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  10. That's some kind of bizarre transference.
    Dying over Canadian state secrets... maple syrup recipes and Mountie outfits... it's so terribly ethnocentric of me, but it's amusing me endlessly. Surely Australia has some juicy skeletons in its closet.

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    1. Oh, you don't even want to know what the deal with the kangaroos it! Lets just say it was harder to attach the lasers than we planned.

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  11. While Canada and Australia may not have secrets, I'm thinking it's for very different reasons. Canadians don't do anything that needs to be kept secret, goody two-shoes that they are. But Australia was first settled by Europeans as a penal colony. I've always thought of Australia as a whole bunch of bad-asses who don't care if people know of the bad things they do. Either way, I don't think Russia needs to spy on either of you.

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    1. No, we're pretty harmless. Most of our country is uninhabitable and the rest is full of surfers.

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  12. I would totally spy for your country. And I don't even have to be heartbroken!! I just want to snuggle with a platypus.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Just make sure it's a female, the males are poisonous!

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    2. I have worked years to develop a natural immunity to their venom, in hopes that I may one day frolic with them in the wild. :0D

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  13. Actually, espionage seems more reasonable than taking to Facebook with claims of herpes and gaping anuses (or what you said about watersports). It gave him a hobby, something to think about other than his shortcomings.
    Also, Canada is replete with valuable secrets. They're the quite younger brother who acts all innocent and sweet but is really sneakily getting away with some terrifying stuff. Keep your eye on the quiet ones.

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  14. Canada once told me a secret but I'm sworn to secrecy.

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    1. But if I'm Russian, and I'm willing to pay, surely you can give me the secret to the perfect maple syrup.

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  15. That is just totally crazy.. And for a lousy $125k. Seriously, how far is that going to go? What a dumb ass..

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    1. And according to the news he ended up getting sentenced to 20 years for it.

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  16. Hey, we got secrets in Canada -- PLENTY of secrets. And not just secrets about illicit kangaroo love, like in Australia.

    We're embarrassed about the fire-sale prices he sold our secrets for, though. Jeez, you'd think the Russians had no money.

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    1. Who told you about the kangaroos!!! ... um, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.

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  17. I have no idea what secrets would be worth any amount of money to the Russians. I mean since the USSR was dismantled Russia proper doesn't scare anyone. Some of the smaller countries that were left with nuclear capabilities--very scary--but Russia umm no. Looks like he got 20 years for the whole fiasco and the wife is free to do whatever she wants while the kids lose a parent. Clearly he wasn't being quite rational but there had to be about 49K better options to recover from his disappointment.

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    1. I'm guessing it had something to do with maple syrup production.

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  18. Seriously, you dig up the best stories. And yes, what is going on over there in Canada. Are they hiding some crazy weapons program behind all that maple syrup and duel languages.

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    1. Or perhaps it's that they're training their Mounties in the art of the ninja?

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  19. I like you description of Canada and comparison to Australia. It just fits so well. Cheeky bastards those Canadians... keeping secrets from the Ruskies and all. For shame, for shame, tsk, tsk, tsk. What kind of Canadian secrets would the Russians even WANT? Are we talking - alchol doesn't ever freeze, or teaching them how to make vodka or something of the sort?

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  20. I think this is a matter worth serious investigating and I will TOTES take one for the team and pose as a Canadian Hockey Player's girlfriend until this whole thing is resolved. I don't care how long it takes!

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