Sunday, May 27, 2012

And you've got to be ready...

It's been talked about in the media, covered by movies, television, and generations of literature.  It's been screamed about on street corners by gentlemen who could seriously use a bath and a sandwich, and whispered about in secret corners by wide eyed, terrified looking simpletons.

What is it, you ask?

The zombie apocalypse, of course.  Are you ready for it?

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Why is she worried about something like that?  It's not like zombies really exist or anything.  They're just figments of an overly neruotic public consciousness married with our inner conflict of both being afraid of death and being fascinated by it.  They're not real.

The family that fights zombies together...
But the fact is if there's even a remote chance of the decaying undead rising from their graves and wanting to suck my brains out through my nose with a straw, I'm totally going to draw up a blueprint of the best places in town to stockpile weaponry.  We need to be organised so we can fight the evil menace and wipe it out before it takes over completely!  That's why I'm officially inviting you all to join my Zombie Attack Force.

So, for those of you who are onboard, here's the plan.

1.  The zombies rise from the graves and begin their reign of terror, stumbling through the streets, chewing people's arms off, and muttering "Brains ... brains...".  It's around this time that you should start getting together all the supplies you can.  Bottled water, canned food, ransack the neighbours places if you have to.  And don't let them fool you ... she might look like a sweet little five year old with pigtails, but she's a potential brain muncher just like the rest of them!

2.  We will all meet in the mall in the centre of town, where I have hidden a secret cache of nerf weapons under the fountain of the little boy peeing in the pool in preparation for just such an event.  Feel free to mow down any zombies who get in your way with your car ... if you start to have a moral dilemma with it, just think of it as a really realistic game of Grand Theft Auto.  I considered stockpiling real weapons, but I figured what with the slowness of their movement and the decaying and all, nerf projectiles will probably do the job just as well.  Besides, have you ever tried to get your hands on a bazooka?  It's REALLY hard to do.

3.  Once we're all armed, then we will take to the streets.  Remember, it's our duty to help dispatch of the menace that is invading our homes.  Take those suckers down!  And don't forget that your fellow zombie hunters are also potential risks.  Just because they're on your side right now, doesn't mean that they won't try to rip your head off if you turn your back to them!  Don't trust anyone, any person you come across could be a potential enemy...

... okay, I'm not sure I've thought this through as well as I'd hoped.  You know what?  Screw the zombie fighting army, you're  all on your own!

And if you could all just forget about the cache under the statue ... that'd be super...

1 comment:

  1. Zombies, my worst fear...that and Brussel sprouts...