Wednesday, September 11, 2013

We're not altruistic creatures, lets all stop pretending that we are...

The other day I was wandering around on Tumblr, as is my wont, when I came across one of those lists of things that make you feel happy.  You know the sort I mean, it's full of things like "watching the sun rise" and "hearing a child's first laugh".

Ugh, awful isn't it.

Let's just be completely honest here, no one actually feels a deep spiritual awakening at any of those things that are on those god damned lists.  No, dancing in the rain does not nurture my soul, I don't think that a snowflake is a miracle, and the sound of a babbling brook just makes me want to pee.

So I decided to make a list of the things that DO make me feel spiritually invigorated and connect with me on a deep, emotional level.  And if you're completely honest, you'll admit that they connect with you too.

  • Watching as someone who just cut in front of you in a line trips over their own feet.
  • That little thrill you get when you hang up on a telemarketer.
  • Realising someone going into an elevator that you just farted in.
  • Looking at the facebook page of someone you hated in highschool and discovering their life turned out just as horribly as you'd always hoped it would.
  • Zooming past the person who just cut in front of you in traffic, because your lane is now moving and the one they just HAD to get into has come to a complete standstill
  • Realising the cashier in the supermarket thought you gave her a fifty instead of a twenty, and then NOT returning the money.

See, this is what we are.  We're petty, vindictive, nasty people, and pretending otherwise is just silly.

But I'll give you the cute puppy videos.  Everyone loves cute puppy videos.

37 comments:

  1. LOL I guess those are the things that can make us feel better. But hey, a laughing baby is kind of cute.
    Telemarketers? I once worked as a Sale's
    coordinator for a publishing company and then a new manager came and taught us some new methods, after a couple of weeks I left the job.

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    1. Some laughing babies are cute, but some are downright terrifying!

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  2. Ha Ha! Then you will love this "inspirational" plaque:

    http://www.signals.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=HN5761

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    1. LOL! That is awesome! I should totally get that for my cubicle at work!

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  3. First of all, I enjoyed this post and I am guilty of some of those little pleasures, but I do give the change back, puppies make me go awww and snow flakes are a miracle.

    Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought you were an atheist. No problem with that, except how do you God damn anything without a God. At least give us fairy tail believers something, we get to God Damn stuff! And lower case doesn't count.

    Ok, let me take my tongue out of my cheek again:

    I especially like passing those a-holes after they cut me off!!

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    1. I'm not an Atheist, I'm actually a Pagan. I'm not sure if that actually qualifies me to damn anything though.

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  4. I am laughing my ass off because I honestly do get spiritually invigorated by all of those things. There is a special place in hell waiting for me.

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  5. You are just more honest than most.
    What gives me glee, is the guy in the car behind me, who impatiently passes me on a double yellow and bingo, a patrol car appears from nowhere, starts his siren and nails him.

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    1. Oh yes, sirens never sound sweeter than when they're for some other car, do they.

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  6. Schadenfreude makes the world go 'round, alright!

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  7. I get a kick out of the drivers who zip in and out of lanes with their music blasting and laying on the horn because they are so impatient and yet...at every red light....there I am right beside them. They got absolutely nowhere...fast. I always give them a cheery little smile.

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    1. I never could understand those idiots! They're not going to get there any faster, the lights are still going to stop them!

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  8. I can definitely relate to the telemarketer one. Those guys are fucking annoying. Same thing with debt collectors.

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    1. I kind of have mixed feelings for telemarketers. I detest them, but I also feel sorry for them. They always sound like they're sold their soul to Voldemort or something.

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  9. 1, 2 and 4 do not make you petty.

    People trip all the time, not my fault they cut me off first.

    I hang up on those indian call centres all the time because they're lying to me. Telling me I have a problem with my computer when they don't even know if I have one, who the hell do they think they are.

    I am yet to find ex school people on Facebook but I would be damn glad if those bitches were worse of than me.

    I don't find that being petty, I would find it's just their karma had given them what for.

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  10. Interesting list you have there. I like it better than anything that lists a bunch of cheesy stuff that no one actually would find joy in.

    Anyone that does me wrong in traffic...I would totally love for them to get a ticket as I drive by. If a cop isn't handy perhaps they could run over a nail or run out of gas. All of that would be very gratifying.

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  11. The babbling brook sounds does do that to me, too, and I have a strong 'muscle'. hahahaha Trust you to post about the reality rather than the spiritually spiritual. i ♥ u.

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  12. But that poor cashier has to make up the difference at the end of the day.

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    1. I know, and it makes me an awful, awful person, but still ...

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  13. Ah yes, that list of yours makes much more sense!

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  14. The traffic thing, oh heck yeah (provided we're keeping this clean). But you really fart upon an elevator exit? I silently judge...except I don't because I wrote out that I am judging. Self righteousness generates a pretty great feeling of self-satisfaction.

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  15. Yes, I keep hoping that the bitches at work will have toilet paper stuck to their shoe, or worse. Does that make me worse than them? God, I hope not. They're nasty bitches!

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    1. LOL! Absolutely not! It just means you have a finely tuned sense of humor!

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  16. Well you probably know that I respectfully disagree with this :) I don't think Schadenfreude is a universal phenomenon. I think it's cultural. Anthropologically speaking, there are certain cultures that are very altruistic by nature (Samoa, for example). Just my two cents :) Happy Wednesday my friend.

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    1. LOL! I'm sure you're right. Still, I've never met anyone as petty and vindictive as a two year old, so maybe there's more to it than that.

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  17. Totally agree with you and when I see the ooey gooey nice junk that people post and re-post and then post for the 50th time on Facebook I really want to puke.

    Oh, and I bump into Samoans all the time... NOT!

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    1. LOL! Those posts just make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out.

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  18. Consider me a petty vindictive asshole as well. I get perverse pleasure from seeing (on facebook, of course) snooty cheerleaders from high school who are on their second or third marriage, who have put on 50+ pounds. I know it's horrid, but I can't help it.

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