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At first I was inclined to pass it off as a cold, but when I couldn't brush it off with a cheery attitude and a couple of cold and flu tables, I made an executive decision to promote it to the title of "flu". If it hangs around for much longer I'm going to bump it up to black plague.
I know what you're all thinking, and the answer is yes, I am being incredibly melodramatic about what is really just a simple head cold. What can I say ... I never claimed to be a martyr. I'm not one to suffer in silence. When I'm sick, you can be damned sure I'm going to whinge about it long and loud!
But still, it's amazing what you can learn even when you're a bit under the weather. Take the lessons I learnt during this particular bout:
- If you drop a two litre bottle of diet coke down a set of cement stairs, it'll do an amazing impersonation of a carbonated guided missile and head straight for the most expensive looking car in the parking lot. When you're not feeling well, this won't amuse you as much as you might think.
- If your throat is sore and raspy, that's when you'll get half a dozen telemarketers calling in a row. For some reason, they won't accept that you've "lost your voice" and will continue trying to convince you to change long distance carrier until you hang up on them in frustration.
- You may think the doctor is joking when he tells you to snort salt water up your nose to clear out your sinuses, but he's not. However, if you ask him to demonstrate the method for you, he'll accuse you of being unreasonable.
- When you try to gesture to the checkout chick that you've lost your voice, she'll automatically start speaking louder and enunciating like you've gone deaf. Glaring at her won't make her stop, she'll just beam condescendingly at you and scream "HERE ... IS ... YOUR ... CHANGE!"
I know, I know, bitching and moaning isn't going to solve anything, but in the absence of Disney movies back rubs it's all I've got to comfort me. Just humour me.
Oh I am so sorry that you were down with the flu. But the lessons learned were valuable (and kinda hilarios "Here. Is. Your. Change" LOL
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's a small sacrifice to make :)
DeleteWell anytime a man complains about not feeling well he is accused of having "man flu" so...
ReplyDeleteLOL! Oh, I don't pretend to be anything other than a whinging malingerer.
DeleteI would throw you some sympathy, but you went out to the store, spreading your disease like a modern Typhoid Mary and have the impudence to complain that the checkout girl talked a little louder? I do feel bad that you're rocketing exhaust from both ends...hold on, you didn't immediately hang up AND you inadvertently vandalized a car!?! Hopefully you get better soon lest you get accused of terrorizing the neighborhood.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Yep, Typhoid Mary, that's me.
DeleteUse this time wisely with that sexy raspy voice. Start a phone sex line. Who knows, you might be so successful you can quit your day job.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I've always wanted to work on a phone sex line! It sounds like a riot!
DeleteI'm sorry to hear you are feeling ill. With your last lesson learned, I got a headache. The teacher I work with yells at the class because there are 3 Burmese kids in our class who don't speak English. I leave work each time with a massive headache. And now, with you just mentioning someone doing it, I have a headache. Damn. What kind of Pavlovish learned behavior crap is that?
ReplyDeleteI totally believe you that it's not the "26-ounce flu" or the "wine flu" so feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteNup, definitely not "the morning after the night before" ... worse luck.
DeletePoor baby!!
ReplyDelete*looks weak and pathetic*
DeleteSnorting up salt water does NOT sound like fun. For anyone. Ever try those neti pots? Another fun time. Very strange sensation. Better to just take the hottest shower possible, eat a bowl of soup and then crawl under the covers. Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteSnorting the water does work, I'll admit. But it's not very pleasant.
DeleteI wish I were where you are so I could give you a back rub, even though that might not stop the bitching.
ReplyDeleteBother, why are none of my back rub offerers anywhere near me :(
DeleteHope you are well on the mend now.
ReplyDeleteI am, thanks :)
DeleteThe salt water thing really does help. It's awful, but it works. Be sure your water is BOILED and cooled down enough to be comfortable, use a cup/bowl/glass and put in some salt and baking soda (the baking soda helps with the sting). I put the lip of the water-bearing vessel up to my nose just under the nostril. I tilt the vessel until the water touches my skin, debate on whether or not I feel bad enough to do this (this step usually takes me a couple of minutes) and then tell myself to MTFU and snort. Ooof! Describing it brought back a sense memory and it wasn't fun. Think of when you get pool water up your nose and the burn that happens. This is the same only you're doing it to yourself on purpose. Okay, so after the first snort, I take the glass/cup/bowl away and then snort again, getting the already-snorted water further in there. Because apparently, I like that sort of thing. Give it a moment or two and then...the drainage starts. I promise it does help and you forget about the horror of snorting salt water after a little while.
ReplyDeleteAbout the boiled water: straight from the tap water can have some nasty microbes in it depending on where you live and sometimes those little guys can set up shop and do some icky damage. Do NOT look it up, it won't help you gain the courage needed for snorting salt water. :)
Feel better soon!
I've heard of that before, that's why I always boil the water. Then again, I sort plenty of water accidentally in the shower, so maybe it's a moot point.
DeleteI think you should invite that guy who was breaking into homes and giving free backrubs to women a while back, and have him give you a really nice long massage.
ReplyDeleteOoh, maybe he could pick me up some soup and a few DVD's on the way.
DeleteI'm still in my sick bed - did you get a RASH with your flu-ey thing? I have! Localised to hands and ankles. Humour? what's that?! ;)
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a rash, that sounds awful!
DeleteI hope you feel better soon! I laughed very hard over the "carbonated guided missile! ~ been there, done that! Take care!
ReplyDeleteIt's weird how time seems to slow down as it makes it's way towards the most expensive car in the place.
DeleteDisney movies - especially the classics - might not be a cure but they certainly help. Feel better!
ReplyDeleteKristin
Mulan, I always want Mulan when I'm sick.
DeleteHope you feel better quickly. I believe that feeling bad entitles you to be whiny and needy. I hope you coughed on the stupid checkout girl that was so dense she equates loss of a voice with being deaf. That would irk me, even if I felt good.
ReplyDeleteI'm of that opinion too. I don't pretend to be all, "Don't mind me, it's just a cough". If I'm sick, I'll whine long and loud!
DeleteI got up at 5:00 AM on a Saturday because I wasn't feeling well! Your piece really speaks to me! LOL
ReplyDeleteFeel better soon!
Hey Yo: So sorry to hear you are not feeling so well. Hope you bounce back soon.
ReplyDeleteHad to chuckle at your 1 thru 4... been there. Ha!!!
Take care, Slu
I can't believe I can't remember the name of the guy who created The Muppets. Jim Somebody . . . I'm too lazy to Google him. Anyway, he had the flu and didn't realize how sick he was and died from it. So there, people who think someone shouldn't complain about being sick.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Greetings geek human girl, Kellie,
ReplyDeleteI'm certainly fascinated with your pawsting, um posting. Of course, I'm not just anybody but, ta da, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! I also note a considerable number of my alleged human adoring fans have left a comment on your pawst, doh..post.
And then you get those ridiculous humans who ask you "How are you?" You reply, "I'm feeling noxious, about to puke on my shoes, your shoes and my head feels like a woodpecker is pounding away on it!" Of course, they respond, "That's nice."
Wishing you a speedy recovery. And thank you for spelling in proper English. All the beast, sorry, all the best,
Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :)
I must say though that when men have just the littlest cold they are more helpless than newborn babies. Or maybe that was just in my house when I was growing up. Anyway, feel better girlie. Remember, lots of liquids and bed rest.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Steve and I can tag team back rubs for you. So you think you could entertain me with that diet coke missile trick. That's cool! Hope you're back 100% soon.
ReplyDeleteFeel better kellie - and the salt water up the nose really helps.
ReplyDeleteKellie, hope you're feeling better when you get to this one.
ReplyDeleteWe'd like to invite you to become one of our Authors in Alexandria. This invitation has been extended to you by email as well.
In addition to posting on anything you wish, as you desire, you may of course mirror posts you've already written from here or elsewhere to gain a different or additional audience or for any other reason that appeals to you.
If you think you might be interested, contact me through Alexandria or by return email via this comment and I'll forward our formal invitations for you to look over and return if you decide to proceed.
Come contribute your perspectives and opinions to the ongoing conversations there or, even better, start some new - and different - ones of your own.
I look forward to hearing from you.
H. M. Stuart
Alexandria
Many a year ago I would be sick and lose my voice every few months. Turns out it was tonsillitis and I had them removed in 1998. I still got sore throats for a few years before it calmed down and then I was sick for four Christmases in a row just a few years back. How nice is that?!?!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteMost days now I'm okay, but when when I did get sick my voice would disappear and I would very raspily speak to people. They realised what was wrong and understood so I never had anyone be rude and speak louder. But then young people just have no idea how to interact with others.
Very funny post. Hope by now you're feeling better. My doctor once did a pretty good imitation for me (sans the salt water though). We had a good laugh - until the laughing fit had me choking. :)
ReplyDelete