M is for Money: or why winning the lottery isn't a solid financial plan...

April A-Z Topic:  Money

I didn't win the lotto this weekend so I guess I won't be retiring to that little cottage at Montville to become an eccentric/recluse with a dozen cats and the best cult television series library in the state after all. 

 It's a darned shame, I was really looking forward to picking out names for those cats.

Oh don't mind me, I do this every time I buy a ticket in a lotto draw. I work myself up to a frenzy, deciding just how I'm going to spend the money should I win, until I eventually begin to believe that there's no way I can't win.

This time it was going to be a quick jaunt around the world, just for six months or so, then back home to find the house of my dreams somewhere in a lovely, hilly, remote part of the hinterlands. Somewhere where I could write whenever the muse takes me, rather than when I can find the time. It was going to be so nice.

But, alas, I didn't win. I'm sure there's someone else out there who's very happy right about now, but it isn't me, worse luck. I was even going to write my letter of resignation this morning if I'd won. I had it all worked out 

Dear Boss,  

I quit.  See you round the funny farm,  

love Me 

Catchy, hey? Shame I won't be able to use it, at least not today ... but there's always next time, right?

Pinch that penny until it squeals...

I only made one New Years resolution this year (and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to, but peer pressure's a bitch) and that was to try and not waste money.  I like to think I'm doing okay with it so far, I've managed to cut a few expenses out of my budget that I didn't really need.

But if I ever get to the point where I'm acting like this woman, would one of you please shoot me and put me out of my misery?

Because as much as I'd like to not spend money I don't have to, I also don't want to become like the woman in this article who thinks it's okay to steal roles of loo paper from public toilets to save herself a buck.  Or to send her kids to school with stationery supplies pinched from places that have them out available for use to their customers.  Or to make her family sit around in the cold rather than turn the heating on.

Sweetheart, I can see where you're coming from.  It costs a lot to live in the depraved modern age.  It's practically impossible for a family to live on one income ... unless of course that income is enormous.  But is it really necessary to reuse aluminium foil?  Or wash out sandwich bags?  Or recycle a tea bag three times?

What's next, saving on electricity by running an extension cord next door?  On food by optimising your free sample collection at the supermarket?  On petrol by hitch hiking?

But the thing that this woman did that really got me was her method of going back to the store to complain about things she'd bought to get discounts.  Okay, I can see how that would be beneficial, if a bit skeezy.  But to complain, get the discount, and then return the item to the store for a full purchase credit at a later date?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's actually illegal.

I've done my share of money saving in my time.  I've taken advantage of the $3 counter meal that the pub offers in the hopes that you'll spend a fortune on their poker machines, and I'm not too proud to buy things from the dollar store if they're cheaper there.  Hell, I currently do the majority of my shopping at the supermarket where all the groceries look kind of familiar, but the names are just a little bit off.

But I can swear, with God as my witness, I will never ration toilet paper to six sheets a visit!

So, 'fess up guys.  What's the weirdest or most embarrassing thing you've done to save a buck?

It's only eccentric if you're rich enough...

I'm not bad off financially speaking, but no one is ever going to accuse me of being rich.  I make enough to pay my rent, my bills, and still have a little left over for shits and giggles, but I'm never going to make Forbes Billionaire List.  I've come to accept that about myself, I'm not someone who strives for more money.  It's just not part of my psychological make up.

But that doesn't stop me from daydreaming about it from time to time.

One thing I have worked out is that, should the ridiculously unlikely happen and I became rich, I'd have to become an eccentric ... well, more eccentric than I already am.  From what I can tell it's a prerequisite for people with that much money.  Look at Michael Jackson, Richard Branson, Howard Hughes, they all have two things in common.  One, they all have more money than god, and two, they're all madder than a box of cats.

I mean, take the Chief Executive of Abercrombie & Fitch, it seems he's taken the whole "eccentric rich guy" lesson to heart.  Apparently he makes all the male flight crew on his private jet wear a specially selected uniform, even going to far as to specify what sort of underwear they should wear and what colour gloves depending on whether they're fiddling with the silver or setting the table.

It got me to thinking though, if I had that sort of money, and a private jet full of cute guys to do my bidding, what would I be tempted to make them do just for my own amusement.

And of course, from there it was a short jump to me writing up a list, just in case.  You've got to be prepared, you never know when you're going to win the lotto or have a ridiculously rich long lost relative pop their clogs and leave you a small fortune.

So, here are the "Rules For Flight Crew On Kellie's Super Luxurious Jet".

1. All crew members will address Kellie as My Lady at all times.  Other honorifics, such as Majesty, Eminence or "That stuck up bitch" will not be allowed. 
2. All crew members will arrive at work wearing the approved uniform.  This uniform consists of a wife beater, a pair of lederhosen, a tulle tutu, a pair of fairy wings, and sensible shoes. 
3. Should a member of the crew need to speak directly to Kellie, they will do so only in the form of haiku.  Sonnets will be accepted if necessary, but under no circumstances will limericks be allowed. 
4. Crew members are not to make direct eye contact with Kellie, but are encouraged to give her a hug whenever they'd like. 
5. Should the wifi become unavailable during the course of the flight, all crew members will be expected to entertain Kellie until it is available again.  Entertainment may take the form of stories, songs, or re-enactments of famous Napoleonic battles.  Please ensure you have all necessary props and costumes prior to take off. 
6. Kellie should only be served water that has been collected from the dew on a Tibetan mountain top by blind monks who've taken a vow of silence.  Yes, she WILL notice if you just crack open an Evian.
7. If Kellie decides to sleep during the flight, no fewer than two crew members must remain in attendance, humming her a lullaby and playing with her hair.
8. All crew members are reminded that, while it isn't mandatory, participation in the strip Monopoly game is strongly recommended.

Yep, that should do for now.  I can add to them later, once I really am rich and have a plane full of hot guys to boss around, just like our friend from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Hmm, maybe I should start on a list for my house staff too ... just to be safe.