Z is for Zone de Guerre: or, a review of Les Miserables by someone who's never actually seen Les Miserables...

April A-Z:  Zone de Guerre

So, I have a confession to make.  I've never seen Les Miserables.

What's the big deal, I hear you say?  Why not just download it from iTunes when it comes out?  I could, but I still have the issue about not caring enough to want to watch a bunch of people sing and dance their way through the French Revolution.

So instead I've decided to just bluff if anyone asks what I thought of it.  I'm pretty sure I've managed to glean enough titbits of information from the various clips, reviews and Tumblr GIF sets I've seen.

Still, I should probably run it by someone, just to make sure I'm not screwing it up completely.  Take a look and let me know if I got anything too wrong.

Les Miserables is a tale about two guys, Javert and Jean Valjean, who seem to have some sort of long term animosity going on. Something about a loaf of bread? Personally, though, I think they just have the hots for each other. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife when they start glaring menacingly.  

Then you have a really skinny woman named Fantine who gets fired from her job, becomes a prostitute, and for some strange reason has to cut all her hair off. Wow, that's a harsh employment termination policy! At my work they just make you do an exit interview which, sure, is pretty torturous, but it doesn't involve any sort of mutilation.

At this point, Jean Valjean decides to steal a little girl ... or finds one in the forest, something like that. Turns out it's Fantine's kid.  Aw, that's awfully nice of you Mr Valjean, to steal the hooker's kiddie and raise her to be Meryl Streep's daughter in Mama Mia.

Jump forward and now we have grown up stolen little girl, whose name is Cosette I believe, and she falls in love with the guy her friend has the hots for. For shame, Cosette! Don't cut your friend's grass! Bad form!

Cosette, the man stealing little hussy, marries the man she stole, while the poor jilted friend dies of a broken heart. Or maybe it was a stray bullet, because it's right about now that the Revolution starts.  Either way, I'm pretty sure she's singing "On My Own" while it happens, so that'll be nice and angsty for you all.

Then there's more speeches, more pontificating, and more people being mown down in a hail of bullets.  And they say gangster movies are violent!  Even the feisty little raggamuffin gets shot, mid speech.  How rude!   

And then Cosette and the man she stole (the hussy) lived happily ever after!  Of course, as far as I can tell they're the only ones.

The End.

So, how did I do?  I totally nailed it, right?